Because its good for you....

     So this may very well be my last blog entry.  I have my first trail run tomorrow so I'm pretty sure I might like, die.  My sister asked me if I had viewed the altitude information for this race.  Altitude? What does that mean? Altitude is a measurement of height (or at least that's what the guess that I pulled out of my butt said), so I think she's subtly trying to tell me that there's hills or better yet, one big hill.  Oh my....I'm seriously questioning my sanity and even more so questioning my husband's who has done no training whatsoever.  I guess after I'm done writing this I'll u-tube some videos about blood dopping.  Even thought my sister is in way better shape then I am, I'm still somewhat competitive so I either need to get my hands on some performance enhancing drugs or hire someone to break her knee caps.  What?  I got her a nice birthday gift....
    So what have I been up to lately?  Well mom stuff.  Remember when you mom made you do stuff that you didn't particularly want to do but she told you it was "for your own good"?  Well that's payback for all the stuff she had to do for your own good when you were little.  Seriously, at the moment I'm taking Lily to a whole bunch of activities outside my comfort and sanity zone just because I know it might make her a little less of a thug in her future.
    I started Strong Start last month or as I refer to it in our case Weak Crawl.  There are two programs: morning or afternoon.  The afternoon one in my opinion is mislabeled. It starts at 11:30 which technically is still morning, or at least in my world it is.  11:30? who wants to run after kids when you can still taste the toothpaste in your mouth.  Then there is morning Strong Start that begins at 8:30.  That's 8:30 AM, AM as it opens before the bank even does.  I have yet to make it on time.  We beat our record this morning by getting there at 9:30-apparently we only get up at 6am for afternoon Strong Start.  Usually we stroll in around 10am just in time for Lily to beat some poor kid over the head with a plastic baby.  Strong Start is another one of these programs that is so good for the kids and Lily loves it.  The downside is basically I'm spending the whole time playing referee with a below acceptable level of caffeine in my system.  There is something about another child playing with a toy that transforms it into the most desirable toy in the whole entire universe.  A kid could be holding a ball of lint and Lily would think it was the best thing since sliced bread or something straight out of Mordor.  The other day we were on the playground during outside time and Lily made a breakaway while I was trying to put JoJo in his stroller.  She ran into a classroom that had left the door open to let in air and attempted to knock over one of the kids who was using an exercise ball as a chair.  At least Lily has inherited my feelings towards hippies.  But seriously?  we don't use chairs anymore? We sit on bouncy balls?  Can one truly concentrate when you're bouncing? Okay kids...boing...open to page 2....boing.....for history...BOING! Anyways we made quite a ruckus when I had to remove her from the classroom with her kicking and screaming while holding Joe who was also screaming in solidarity.  Today Lily really embarrassed me.  She has this tendency to go into my closet and wear my underwear as a necklace.  Anyways I was rushing as usual, trying not to be too late and I shoved her in her stroller without doing my last minute inspection.  I get there and let her out and one of the moms goes to me "your thong".  Instinctively I pull up my pants and she's like "no, around your toddler" and sure enough there was Lily parading around the room with my underwear on display.  Already however I have noticed that Lily is getting better around children so I can suck it up.  It's better to have her socialized then to sit at home in my PJ's watching realtity TV....I guess.    
    I also went to this free program called "Mother Goose".  Basically you sing a whole bunch of songs and dance around and pray for death that never comes to rescue you.  I joke, I joke, the kidlets love it and the people who run it are wonderful, however if I wasn't a bit snarky about it you wouldn't be reading this blog.  I'm just amazed that the songs haven't changed that much since I was a kid.  As I've commented many times, the wheels on the bus are still going 'round and 'round.  Also at the Kentucky fair the senorita with flowers in her hair is still shaking it like a milkshake which makes me ponder just how old that lady is now. It's been over 25years and that itsy bitsy spider is still crawling up the water spout except they have a new version of the song dealing with a humongous spider which is creepy on all sort of levels.  It's bad enough when we sing the song Lily barks so apparently it's a barking spider that has mutated into the size of a adult female.  So how did Lily like it?  It's hard to tell.  She basically stood in the middle of the singing circle lifting up her top yelling boobies.
  Anyways, when I'm old and grey I'll make sure Lily escorts me to all the activities the senior center offers to help keep my brain sharp.  When she groans and rolls her eyes at me I'll remind her that she has to take me because once upon the time I did the same thing...and besides it's good for me and might make me stop accidentally putting the remote away...in the fridge. 
  That being said, I'm off to rest before my race, I'm sure when I'm running up that hill inbetween swearing and crying I'll be humming Mary had a little lamb wondering why she hasn't made that thing into lamb chops.  Maybe she's vegan, like my crazy sister who got me into this mess (running that is).

Smashing Fashion.

So I have been watching a lot of "What not to Wear" because I am an emerging fashionista. Okay fine I enjoy the storyline. Okay fine, daytime television sucks. Okay fine, I'm too lazy to get off the couch to see which toilet Lily has dumped the remote. However it has made me one of those fashion offenders: I watch how to dress shows but in reality I'm rocking out the sweat pants and crocs. Yes Stacy and Clinton, I do know all the rules, I just choose to break them because I am a rebel.
As I covered in previous posts, my body has changed a lot. For the first time in 3 years I am not pregnant and actually being smart in preventing it (no mojitos etc). After I had Joe and that scary post-pregnancy month passed (you know the one where you still look 6 months pregnant), I inspected my closet. On one side I had all my clubbing clothes from my single days and on the other side I had all my maternity clothes and nothing in between. Since going to Strong Start in thigh high boots and hot pants is not an option (or at least an option I'd want to explore, after all this is Maple Ridge we're talking about), I decided it was time to revamp the wardrobe. Another deciding factor was seeing some of my clothes featured in the before "what not to wear" segment. So I'm in the process of re-vamping my fashion.

Easier said then done.

For my birthday I requested one type of gift: nice, grown up looking clothes. My family kindly obliged and I did get some items to jump start my new style. Problem is I'm too scared to wear them. See there's a reason why kids clothes are so cheap: kids spill stuff on them and stain them. Most clothes get through one wear before turning into an abstract painting of what Lily ate that day-Lily just runs around in a diaper at home because I grew tired all her clothes turning that nice grey color from constant washing (no I do not separate my colors when I throw them in the wash thankyouverymuch). However kids also spill stuff and stain YOUR clothes but the cheapness rule doesn't apply. Kids are attracted to everything new and nice and can't wait to get their hands on it. I'm scared the day I wear my nice dress is the day Lily has spaghetti and tomato soup.
Also I don't go anywhere especially if it doesn't include the phrase "kids eat free" in their motto or tablecloths that aren't paper....
Kids don't care if you're dressed nice or not as long as you have fruit roll ups.....
Joe eats all the time so my clothes are always hidden behind a breastfeeding blanket...
I got a structured jacket that I love but I fear that it makes me look like a real estate agent....

What is my other issues? Well, I'm glad you asked.
Jeans:
Try getting a pair of jeans that don't contain the adjectives "skinny" or "low rise". Both term don't always work when you have young kids. Young kids require a lot of chasing, bending over and lifting so it's hard not to flash crack. It also doesn't contain the post-baby "fanny pack". There is a reason why moms wear mom jeans and it's very hard to resist the temptation not to wear them. However try finding a mid-rise that doesn't violate decency laws when you find yourself trying to contain your toddler after you tell her it's time to leave the park. Kali's tip: Low rise is five finger widths from belly button and mid rise is 2. Anything above a two is mom jean territory.

Jacket:
My mom HATES my jacket or as I call it "old faithful". I got it in West Edmonton mall for under $40. It's a plaid Roxy knee length coat. I've had it before I was married, before kids, I even wore it during all my pregnancies (not zipped up of course). It is now faded, worn and stretched and is starting to make me look a little homeless. Every time my mom nags me to toss it I tell her I'm adding another year onto its lifespan. I finally feel like I can let it go this year. With the big trend on motocycle jackets and structured jackets it's tempting, I guess only fall can tell. Also I have all these fancy jackets now but as mentioned above they make me look professional so I feel I little bit silly wearing them since my only business meetings include bosses in diapers.


Shirts:
Has anyone noticed the thin shirt epidemic invading all the stores lately. I'm not just talking about cheap brands either. It seems like there is a cotton shortage. I have tried many tops on and I find that if they aren't see-through then they hug to every curve and bump I have. Yes, you can go up a size but then its too baggy and you end up looking like a melted candle (plus remember clothes that are too big on you make you look bigger!). Also if they have a place where your bust goes my boobs always fall under it. I guess that's when you shop in the junior section-they expect your boobs not to be best friends with your ankles.

Anyways because I'm such a keener, I decided to do some homework and research some of the top fall trends of 2012. Okay, that's sort of a lie, I really was trying to find reasons not to vacumm. Here's my take on Glamour's trends:

• PVC Raincoats: one word comes to mind: tarp. Okay that and plastic mumu. I remember I had a PVC raincoat in highschool, I loved it until I was walking to school one day and a friend commented that from far away she thought I was wearing a trash bag. Looking homeless is exactly the style I am trying to avoid.
• Graphic Sheath Dress: So wrong on so many levels. I've seen these before on manikins in stores and it makes them look like they had a heavy lunch. Let's just explore the meaning of sheath for a second: "close-fitting covering or case." Yes based on that definition on dictionary.com I'm sure it would look absolutely great on me.
• Cozy Sweater: This is a trend I can really get behind if it includes snugglys (or is that snugglies?). Yes, if it's now socially acceptable to wear one out grocery shopping then that would be awesome.
• Belted white dress: Obviously the people at Glamour don't have kids, or don't have my kids, or have never rode on a bus or eaten a meatball sub...Nothing pairs better with a toddler then a perfect white canvas. Did I mention I also don't sort my laundry? It all goes in at the same time..I guess I could wear it once and then wait until multicolored greyish dresses are in style..
• Bohemian Print dress: You know how I feel about hippies. What's winter's trend? burning the bra?
• Polka Dot sweater: Once again, I have no problem with this style. It makes finding spit up and mashed fruit bars harder to spot.
• Silk Trousers: All I can think of is panty lines or a mean case of hungry bum. Have you ever owned something silk that doesn't ride up in a spot its not suppose to be?
• Tuxedo Style Blazer: Perfect to wear while scrubbing toliets since nothing is classier than a tuxedo..maybe I can pretend I'm rich enough to hire a butler...
• Over sized clutch: The strap fell off my diaper bag so I'm already following this trend.
• Ankle boots and cropped trousers: My fellow "what not to wear" watchers, you know the story with these two. They are the fastest looks to convert a short woman's legs into tree trunks. Yes they cut off your legs and make you look shorter and when you look shorter you look wider. Great, I have short legs, remind me to put off shoe shopping until next year,

I'm still waiting for "What not to wear" to have a Canadian version of their show so I can send them in my demo tape. Until then I will be waiting in my mom jeans and my t-shirt with only two holes and one tomato sauce stain on it. Come find me.

For some reason these clubbing relics are still in my closet.  Not sure where I can wear them to,,,

Getting in Shape

   Two things happened in the past few years:  I had kids and I entered my late twenties.  I honestly can't tell you which one was harder on my body.  Little fetuses are like those uninvited house party guests: they make themselves comfortable, trash the place and usually have to be forcefully evicted .  And age?  Well age just doesn't let your body bounce back as much.  Sure I'm back to my pre-pregnancy body weight, however my body is not anywhere near the same: maybe it is.... just everything is an inch lower.
   Anyways I promised myself 3 years ago after Elijah that I would get back into shape..then I got pregnant.  After Lily I promised I would get back into shape....then I got pregnant.  Now that Joe is here and we honestly couldn't fit another baby in the apartment (unless it was to become patio baby) I am finally holding myself to this promise.  I will get into shape!  For the first few months after I had Joe I wore all black.  People asked me who died?  I told them black is slimming but if you wanted to be technical I was mourning my pre-baby body.  Yes you can lose the weight, however those jeans in your closet from when you were 18 will still look like sausage casing plus it will force body parts in different places they shouldn't be making you look like a Picasso.  And can I just comment about the fashion this year?  Seems like all the material either is sheer, thin or contains my mortal enemy: spandex.  Oh yes the new jersey material dresses are comfortable but if I have to wear a spanx turtle neck just so you don't see my belly button outline it sort of defeats the purpose.  And skinny low-rise jeans being the latest trend? Perfect! because I dont have enough to worry about.  Now I have to worry about bending over at strong start and projectile launching my jean's button and taking out someone's eye or splitting my jeans answering the question where babies come from.
   So I started running.  Why running? It's a weird activity for me when you consider that I do not have the grace and speed of a gazelle but rather one of an elephant.  Well it all comes down to two factors:  time and money.  You see gyms cost money (today's shocker...Tomorrow's: the sky is blue!), and most look down when you attempt to use the treadmill while eating a hamburger.  Also by the time you drive (or bus) to the gym, get changed, get the latest gossip on who's butt looks bigger and get in your 60minutes of cardio, you're looking at almost 2hours!  Plus in Maple Ridge there appears to be a dress code at the gym.  People actually look well put together with makeup and shorts without holes in the crotch (what? my thighs rub together when I run).  With running, as soon as you leave the house, you're working out and you can stop by your closest McDonald's on the way home. Plus 20minutes in my run when my face is purple and my breath resembles a death rattle, I don't have to worry about someone attempting CPR or calling an ambulance.  I end up running at night because that's when Dave is home and it usually starts to get dark.  A few days ago I got stuck behind another jogger that was slightly faster then I was.  I felt like a totally creepator since I was trailing behind her panting heavily (what? I was out of breath).  She however, probably set a new personal run time record trying to get away from me.  I must admit, I am enjoying running.  Maybe it's because it's an hour away from the kids and I can enjoy my music and my thoughts without worrying about what electrical outlet Lily is trying to stick her fingers in.  Plus I am starting to see some results.  I can run about 10km in almost under an hour, while it may seem unimpressive for most, I am actually quite proud.  As for my body?  I still have to decide whether to roll my stomach into either my shorts or my bra but I'm hoping that eventually I'll see a difference in my appearance.  Dave and I did the Terry Fox run together two weeks ago.  For those who know me, know that I do not enjoy running with my husband.  It is because he always looks way too happy and smug, plus he is naturally athletic which means while I've been training for weeks, he gets off the couch for an afternoon and still runs circles around me.  However, running with him hasn't been too bad ever since I installed a non-douchebag clause in our marriage agreement.  This was inspired by last years event where we were running and he started running backwards exclaiming "look! I can run faster then you both forwards and backwards".  In his defense he was flirting, in my defense, if I had pushed him into traffic, no female jury would convict me.  This saturday I have my first trail run which I'm dreading.  My super healthy vegan sister decided that for her birthday we should do that instead of doing the normal activity of double fisting cake and cookies.  We won't be doing it if it is raining and believe me, I've never prayed so hard for rain before in my life!.
  I have also been walking or as I also call it "something I have to do to get places because my husband sold my car for a big ass truck".  Walking is an incredible workout, especially considering right now I'm pushing roughly 77lbs : 25lbs Lily, 12 lbs Joe, 5lbs diaper bag, 5lbs carseat and 30lbs stroller.  The only downside is the whine factor.  Lily has gotten to that age where she has formed an opinion on what she wants to do and Joe, well Joe is only happy when he's being held.  So during my walk I'm usually serenaded by wails of Joe and Lily screaming "I CAN WALK".  Plus I've had to adjust all my walk routes to avoid parks, because that just sends Lily into overdrive.  Lily has also mastered how to escape her 5 point harness prison so she's usually trying to lean out of the stroller or her newest thing: jam her fingers into the spokes of the tire in an attempt to stop our convoy. The solution I've found is to wear headphones to tune them out.  I also arm myself with "shut up snacks": little treats that I can dish out to keep Lily occupied.
  A few months ago I was lifting weight on our personal balcony gym, yes we created a red neck gym on our patio.  I haven't done it lately because I discovered a whole host of shows on our PVR. Actually maybe I should start again, otherwise I may have to go out there and dust everything.....
  Anyways back to the grind.  Busy day at the office today: Joe pooped twice and Lily has just handed me a handfull of all our childproof locks and plugs.

Here comes the blog...

So I haven't blogged since Joe was born. I'd love to say it's because I've been just too gosh darn busy but in reality it's because I've been too tired to put on pants let alone string together 2 sentences that are coherent or amusing.
Also I find it hard to blog during the day-I turn around for one second and Lily has already undressed Joe (who has now peed on the floor), emptied the contents of all drawers and is debating politics on the phone with some lucky person in China. To write a blog entry? She would have the place redecorated before I had the chance to type my second paragraph.
Having another child so soon is like having another tequila shot-oh it's a great idea at the moment but good luck not ending up in a puddle of pee at the end of it... Seriously, i think I've covered it in my last blog-There is no margin of error when it comes to a boy's diaper. It's been almost 5months now and Joe is still not sleeping through the night. You know that feeling you get when that woman with the perfect body tells you how no matter what she eats she can't gain weight? That's the same feeling I get when my husband tells me how tired he is because he only got 6hours of sleep. Seriously, my husband does his best impression of playing dead at 4am.
At the moment my career is a stay-at-home mom and wife-the career path often not showcased at career day in university because it's just too glamourous and everyone would be dropping out to pursue it. Some say it's a pretty important job raising up this nation's youth. To be honest I haven't set the bar that high-I'm just trying not to raise a serial killer or even worse....a hipster! But don't worry citizens of Canada, I treat this job with the same gusto that I treat all my jobs. I sort of half ass it. It's not how well you can do a job, it's how much you can pretend you know what you're doing while taking multiple coffee breaks and skipping out early Friday for a liquid lunch. I've heard of super moms, women who can do it all and have it all. If I was a super hero I'd be mediocre mom. My super power? Being able to tune out whining while updating my status on Facebook.
All kidding aside, parenting is actually tough work with very little instruction. Seriously at the hospital they hand you a few pamphlets with your newborn as you're leaving exclaiming "hopefully you won't be back when you get your hand jammed in the stroller while folding it up!". My telus tv came with more instruction! It's also one of those things you don't know if you're doing right until years later when you're either attending their med-school graduation or attending a support group on how to remove your 38 year old from your basement (hint: hire a locksmith).
I recently signed up for a parenting course called Nobody's perfect. Quite honestly it could be have been the history of indoor plumbing for all I cared, they snagged me with promises of free lunch and child care. Free child care is the holy grail, I'd even let the dentist drill more holes on my head if he offered a bouncy castle and some crackers for the lil ones. The key word is free. Hey it could be the hobo that constructed the shopping cart city behind the mall teaching the kids how to shotgun a beer then return the empties for cash, it's still an hour of not having to pretend that you care that the wheels on the bus are still going 'round and round. I also started to attend our local "Strong Start" which starts at the ungodly hour of 8:30am. Anyways, by the time the kids and I are showered, fed and out of the house it's closer to 10am. I just don't think we're strong start material...maybe weak crawl instead? The whole point of it is to socialize your children. The fact that Lily spends most of it eating rocks or trying to plow down the other kids with toy strollers must mean we need it...
Anyways I have a few half written blogs on scrapes of paper so let's see if I can get the blog going again....