Date Night

Enjoying a drink but still thinking about my kids: not because I miss them but because I'm worried about the revenge they will have on me for not including them

Dave amd I got to do something last night we don't often get the opportunity to do: spend some time away from the kids.  Actually it's something I don't get to do often, Dave gets an 8 hour break everyday when he goes to something called work.  Anyways we had a date night, four blissful hours where I didn't have to play name that liquid on my shirt (hint:  the answer is almost always pee).  We were invited to an grown up function with grown ups at an grown up restaurant which didn't have tablecloths you could write on.
  Date nights are always risky business.  I mean they usually happen at the end of the week so we're walking the thin line between date night and fight club. 
 Before the date night can even begin there are certain hurtles that one must get through:

• Getting Ready:  Date night often comes with a dress code and men and women often have different ideas in regard to it.   I don't think I'm the only woman who can attest that their husband almost never wants to dress up.  They'd rather show up in sweats-actually if it was socially acceptable they'd probaly go out to dinner in their underwear.  Me on the other hand would prefer to wear something fancy.  This is because I don't get out often and when I do I'm usually in yoga pants that while have never have seen the gym are still quite good at stretching-around my butt of course!  Once you come to an agreement on the dress code dilemma that excludes any awkward incidents of showing up to the restaurant with you in a ballgown and your husband in cut off shorts, one must execute the act of actually getting dressed.  Trying to find something to wear is often a feat in itself.  For me I have to create an outfit using articles that have no stains on them and is not a throw back to the era before you had kids since that was around the same time you stopped buying clothes or buying them at the same place you buy your produce.  Lets not forget the toddler who is running around and the baby screaming because heaven forbid he hasn't eaten in 5minutes.  My carpet is nicely painted with my MAC eyeshadow.  Also as I was curling my hair Lily was rolling Joe down the hallway..
• Next comes the complement: Let's face it the chances of the husband getting this correct is slim to none.  In fact for the husband it's dead man walking because if he says the wrong word then date night ends early with him on the couch.  Dave has yet to mastered the simple phrase "your hair looks nice", apparently even in the face of mortal danger my husband cannot lie.  Lets give you the background story: I use to have long hair and Dave loved it.  After Joe came around I got tired of looking homeless since I barley could find the time to brush it let alone style it.  Fed up I choped it short and quite frankly I don't think Dave has forgiven me for that yet.  Anyways whle I love my short hair for the day-to-day life, I have diffculty making it look fancy.  There is only so much you can do with short hair so I'm always fishing for a complement.  The best Dave could give me last night? You look like Jamie Lee Curtis.  Really? That's the best you can do?  What's the first thing you think of when you hear her name? The bowel health yogurt. When someone asks you to name a hot actress would Jamie Lee Curtis be the first name that pops in your head?  He said from her True Lies days, okay one foot out of the grave except the fact she played a boring homely housewife.  Great, exactly the look I was going for.  I could have saved myself an hour of prep time and just went as myself.  So I told Dave he looked dashing-like Matlock.
• Finally, the kid drop off.  This is very important because you have to convince the unsuspecting grandparents that in fact your kids are not thugs.  This is an art form in itself since you have to make sure to drop them off when they're not cranky.  Of course it will be the one time when Lily actually wants to hang out with me.  The most important final step to this is turning off the cell phone, yes the restaurant is in a tunnel with no reception....

  When you finally get to your destination you feel a bit...lost.  In fact I saw something I don't usually: my bare forearm.  Infact I barley reconized it without a blankie, diaperbag or toddler drapped over it.  Once inside the restaurant, you have to relearn how to socialize at the grown up table.  It took a while to relax, with a toddler you learn to sleep with one eye open.  That and when you see someone reach across the table your kneejerk reaction is to grab any sharp cutlery away or try to stop the person from hitting the closest person because in the toddler world those are the first things you do when in a group situation.  You also don't want to talk too much about your kids either since you don't want to admit that you've become "one of those" even thought I clearly am.  However get a few drinks in me and I'm ready to jam out to the latest club track, which I'm assuming is still wheels on the bus.  Dave and I actually got to our function 30minuties early-so we had an opportunity to have some alone time.  This was spent trying to convince each other that we were still as fun and exciting as when we first met without admitting that it was 7pm and we were both ready for bed or that we were missing the latest antics of our reality shows.    
    Finally there comes the time when you have to reach that decision that it is time to go home.  It usually involves calculating when your parents have safely tucked the kids in bed.  So that was our excitement this weekend.  Seriously I barley remember life before kids, I'm assuming it's much like life before facebook-you use to go out a lot more often.

My Electronic Hostage

        I have been given a new duty -I have been entrusted with the mail key.  Now I usually don't brag when I do a good job, but this is a promotion of some sort-it's kinda a big deal.  I'm slowly climbing up the housewife corporate ladder at the MAC residence:  maybe I'll get a raise in my allowance.  With great power comes great responsibility.  I haven't messed up yet, well aside from accidentally shredding a government check, but it was only $20, lets focus on the positive-I'm keeping up with our shredding pile.
      I checked the mail a few days ago and found postal receipt telling me Dave got a package.  When I picked up said package my keen eye quickly noticed its contents (Read: I ripped open the box with careless disregard for laws preventing people from opening other people's mail).  It was Dave's Xbox-the free one we got for signing away 3 years of our life and half our paycheck to Telus in order to watch the same 4 episodes of Big Bang Theory and 2 1/2 men.  Dave has big plans for the Xbox, he's going to buy the video game Call of Duty so that he can stay up all night playing online with his friends on the days he needs to reset his sleep schedule for nights-a pretty convincing story isn't it?  Please agree since in a moment of pregnancy brain this seemed like a good idea.
     Now I'm no fool.  I know a lot of Call of Duty Widows-girlfriends and wives who have lost their men to that popular online shooting game.  Once they get dispatched into their fantasy war game, it's like they were actually deployed-one moment they're helping you take up the groceries then BAM! they can't leave the house because a mission is at stake and really? they can't let down their team.  It's like cat nip for men, turning even the most mature male into a drooling, adolescence acting, beer drinking, Doritos munching, non-wife-paying-attention-to boy.  I knew that once Dave got his hands on his Xbox that would be the last time he would do anything around the house, or put on pants (a daily struggle as it is already).  It would also be the last time I'd get to enjoy my couch without Dave's buttcheeks permanently indented into it.  So I did what any normal, logical person would do with a ticking time bomb in her hands....I hid it....under Lily's bed (location has since been changed).  At first the trick was to hide it somewhere that Dave would never look.  Sounds like a daunting task but in reality is pretty simple.  The first day I had it sitting on the dining room chair and he walked past it a few times while complaining that he just wanted to look at it.  You see men are not good at finding things, they're hunters, they just look for something moving and try to shoot it, I guess also like the TRex on Jurassic Park-If it stands still it will go unnoticed. I came up with some good ideas for hiding spots:

• I could hide it in the fridge by the leftovers-he can never find any food in the house-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand cold. 
• I could hide it in the dishwasher-he hasn't opened that door since we've been married-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand water. 
• I could hide it in the laundry hamper-he only does laundry once a year- but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand stench.
• I could hide it in the dryer-he's never folded clothes-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand heat
• I could hide it in the oven-he hasn't cooked in a long time-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand smoke.
• Or I could hide it in the recycling bags-he hasn't taken the recycling down in a year-but that's a guarantee that I'd accidentally turf it making it the most expensive hobo pillow out there.  

You get my idea, if not let me know, I have many more I can e-mail you.  Anyways the Xbox has been in safe hiding for a few days now-my lips are sealed.
    So what is the solution?  As fun as it is to taunt Dave, I can't hide it forever. However, I'm not just going to surrender it without a fight.  I know my final hours are upon me so I need to make a honey-do list to end all honey-do lists.  It's got to be long and preferably involves lifting heavy objects, opening cans and moving around furniture.  I've already threatened Dave with "the list" but I haven't written it yet.  I have to choose my demands carefully-I have great leverage with my electronic hostage and I don't want to waste it on a few household chores.  It would be like facing life in jail and demanding a pizza in return for your last hostage.  Here are just some of the ideas I've come up with:

•  Take my box of stuff to donate to the Salvation Army:  As you know from my previous blog I am in the process of decluttering.  It shouldn't be too much of a task: don't think I haven't noticed the box is actually getting lighter each day.  Don't believe me? I found that Dave had removed some objects from the box and hide them because "they are cool"
•  Get rid of some of his crap:  If I left for the week I would come home to a video crew taping an episode of Hoarders.  Honestly the man can't get rid of things and just lets everything pile up.  I got an idea! How about we go ahead and throw out that "sentimental" calendar from 2002 that's sitting in a crumpled mess beside your bedstand? Wouldn't that be novel?
• Clean up his nightstand:  Lily goes into our bedroom every day and knocks over all of Dave's crap that he piles on his nightstand.  It's not even kid safe stuff- pointy tools and spare change.  She knocked over his spare change basket the other day and in frustration I rolled all his coins ($45 worth in pennies and nickels) and put the remaining change in a piggy bank which Lily smashed in two today.  The most frustrating thing is that instead of trying to be tidy, Dave gets frustrated and expects a one year old to show restraint and respect for boundaries.
•  Move the furniture:  Really? I always thought the living room would look better if we rotated the couches 5 degrees.  But I really think we should try some different scenarios just to make sure.
• Wash the windows:  I'm tired of buying window decals to hide the dirt.
• Wash the shower:  Needs some powerful cleaners that are not compatible for pregnancy (the joys of being with a tradesman with a dirty job).  There's some pink mold along with some other darker mold that needs to be scrapped off and maybe the lining needs to be re caulked.  He's got HAZMAT training, it should be good.

Anyways those are just a few ideas.  I'm going to have fun with this list.  It's going to be EPIC winning me the admiration of housewives everywhere.
   Worse comes to worse if the Xbox is too much of a distraction I can smash it.  I mean accidents are most likely to occur in the home aren't they?  I could be dusting and trip or Lily could accidentally shove crayons into the disk tray. 

Think I'm blowing this out of proportion?  If it wasn't true, someecards wouldn't have a funny card in regards to it

Photo a no go

     For the longest time our house lacked a personalized touch.  It was a mish-mash collection of random stuff, mostly a throw-back to Dave's bachelor days.  See I've never been good at decorating, for me most of the time decorations translate into junk or clutter.  Sure a nice vase is a good conversation piece but it's also taking up space on my coffee table.  Flowers and plants are just something for Dave to kill or the cat to eat and puke up and table clothes are just something for Lily to pull down.  I'd love to have a new picture above the fireplace however artwork is expensive unless you want a piece that is most featured on the wall of Red Robin's.  If you step into Red Robin's and you recognize a painting from your house on its walls, you know it's time to chuck it, that is usually the threshold for passe.
     The wall pictures we do have consists of:  a badly self framed Justin Bua picture above the mantel (doesn't really suit us but better than what Dave had originally which was the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, a favorite among Red Robin walls), store bought photos (some hung upside down or the wrong way to fit the frame), a tiger picture (which I liked until I recognized that it looked familiar to an Ed Hardy design), Dave's school certificates and a fertility fish painting (which is promptly coming down and being stuffed in the closet away from my ovaries).  We had no photos of us hung anywhere. 
     A lot has happened since I moved into Fort McRoberts 2 years ago.  We got married, had 2 kids and have another on the way.  However no where was this reflected in our house, unless you count the toys that I always seem to be stepping on.  It's not that we don't have pictures.  We have over 1000 wedding photos, 2 professional photoshoots of Lily, Gigabytes of vacation photos and enough personally taken photos of Lily to even bore my parents.  Usually I just look through them, take the ones I like, post them on Facebook then promptly forget about them.  Photo Albums? Yes I have tons of them.  They are all empty. 
    The lack of photos has bugged me for a while now, but I'm afflicted by the lazy gene-not having photos on the wall doesn't really effect my quality of life, and I can pretend I don't actually live in this dump, I'm just doing community service for this poor family with bad taste.  However enough is enough, I decided in 2012 I would remedy this situation (I was kinda planning on the world ending before I had to actually do the grunt work, but its now March, so here I am).  For Christmas this year I wanted one thing:  a photo collage of my family.  I got one from my mom and it came with four different frames, each frame had six photo slots.  The frames could either be used alone or interlocked.  It was beautifully done-the family in it looked so happy and put together.  As lovely as it was, I decided that maybe I should have pictures of my own family in it instead of the sample shots of "random perfect family whom probably drive a smart car and not a BAT".  Sensing that putting this together would be work and me being me-unless I'm tripping over it I tend not to deal with it-the frames sat in my parent's office until February.  I kept coming up with excuses like: I was waiting for Lily's 1year photoshoot, I'm still in the planning phase and "the sample family sorta resembles us" (minus the white trash part).  Anyways my mom finally put her foot down and made me order the photos of Lily and Elijah I wanted and then physically put them in the frame for me.  We were down 2/4 frames.  New baby of course was getting the third frame and the fourth one was going to our wedding photos or as Dave wanted:  the cat (I know we "adopted" him but do I really have to pretend to be his mom?).
        So now, bring in the husband.  So far I had left Dave out of this process because I knew what I could do in an afternoon, team McRoberts could do in a month.  For some reason Dave tends to complicate things, I think it's because he wants everything perfect-as it is he has already detected my shoddy craftsmanship cropping and cutting of the frames already done.  However, I do not know how to hang a photo and anything involving me taking a hammer to our cheap apartment's wall doesn't sound like a good idea.  I'd either crack the drywall or put a large hole in the wall and if either happen I'd just keep going until our 2 bedroom place was a one bedroom.  Dave wanted to put all four up at once because then we could interlock it and only do the job once.  He spent 5 hours-one and a half of them included going to Canadian Tire for brackets to connect the frames (and probably to get away from me and our late night arts and crafts project).  Our four frames is now one big heavy one and a potential earthquake hazard.
        Now since I cannot look at our half completed job I then made Dave look through all 1000 of our wedding shots.  Culling 1000 photos to only 6 is hard enough, getting 6 that you actually agree on is near impossible.  We survived but if it took another hour we would be putting up crime scene photos instead. All I needed was his input so I could order them and get the frame done as much as possible before the end of the next week, otherwise knowing us it would never be completed.
  The wedding photos finally came today, so I decided to add them to the frame while Dave was at work.  It was probably a better idea waiting, but as I mentioned above, adding Dave sometimes complicates the matter.  Plus I didn't want to be debating with him how I cut crooked or how I should have zoomed in the photo and edited it before ordering it.  Seriously he is such a perfectionist and I really don't want to be up until 3am with a slide ruler to make sure everything's even.
  So when I got home I lifted the massive frame down, careful not to drop it.  The whole thing is held together with a few brackets so one wrong move and it would snap making us have to repeat the whole process again.   I threw our wedding photos, ignoring every good rule of scrapbooking.  Really? It's on the wall, you wouldn't notice any issues unless you put your nose right up to the frame.  One of Dave's brackets was covering the insert to get the backing off one of the frames.  Since Lily is asleep and all of Dave's tools were in her bedroom closet, the logical thing would ahve been to wait until morning.  However I was in it too deep.  I pulled and tried to get the backing out with a knife.  You can probaly guess what happened. Yup, I put an inch crack in one of the glass tiles.  I'm not going to say which one because I'm hopping that Dave won't notice and I don't really want to rat myself out if he ever reads the blog.  These frames are from costco, so I could technically back over them with the BAT and they wouldn't even blink an eye and replace it, however that would take so much time to disassemble, take back, get a new one, start over and con Dave into putting it back together again.  I may go pick up a cheap 4x6 frame and steal the glass from that.  I also decided to add baby #3's ultrasound photos since now it was a side by side comparison of the sample photo family and us, and the samples were winning both on functionality, cuteness and perfection.  Anyways I will have to get a screw driver and remove that bracket so I can add the last two photos, but I think I'll have to wait until Dave is at work again before I'll attempt it.... 
    So now my collage is done-well so close to being done.  I just have to repeat the hellish task of taking it down and putting baby #3's pictures in once it is born.  The only thing it needs is a clock or some inscription like Family,  or a clock to fill the space in the middle.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.  So I really hope I hung it back on the hanger correctly and it doesn't impale the cat during the night tonight.
  Did I mention that progress encourages more progress?  We also hung up some photos to replace the upside down store stock ones.  We put up three couple pictures of us while I was pregnant with each child.  I call it balloon art because you can compare how big my ass ballooned up with each pregnancy.

The finished product of hours of frustrated and attempted creativity

Stupid stuff my husband has done after nights

  
    So Dave is half way through his 80hour work week.  Just 4 more nights to go and frankly I'm not sure if he's going to make it.
         My husband gets home around 8:30am and then tries to stay up until noon, then he'll try to sleep until 7:30PM.  This means the time we get to see him is at the end of his day and he is exhausted both mentally and physically (he works in a trade, I'm not sure exactly what he does but it involves lifting heavy objects).  Combine that with the fact that I usually end up dragging him on boring domestic errands or try to engage him in conversations of what I did the day before (nothing!), what the cat did (throw up on the carpet!) and what I found on-top of the bookcase (cat puke-I know right?).  Basically any mental function the guy had when he walked in that door walked back out when I attack him with verbal diarrhea and request him to drive me around town to pick up coffee.
        They say night shifts can be hard on the body.  Also sleep deprivation can have the same effect on the brain as alcohol can.  According to an article by the American Pyscological Association that I just skimmed over for a quote that proved my point, they say:

"That resulting crankiness and warped perspective can interfere with one’s ability to make sound decisions and manage people effectively, and can increase the frequency of negative encounters."

What they don't say is that it also makes for some funny stuff as well as a possible blog entry.  As the week progresses I watch my husband go from bright, to functional, to just plain dumb.  You combine the sleep deprived shift worked with the attention deprived, highly pregnant housewife and yup, you can say you might get some "negative encounters" and not in the *wink wink nudge nudge* way.  So without further ado, I bring to you the below list.  Please enjoy because when my husband finally gets around to reading my blog he'll probably make me take it down.

Dumb Stuff My husband has done after a night shift:

• I was gone for literally 5mins, I walk into the living room and Dave is on the computer and Lily is no where in sight. I assumed that Dave put her down for a nap. Wrong. She was in the kitchen eating cat food. Dave said he thought it was the cat rattling the dish. I pointed out the cat is asleep in his lap.  Now if you ask Dave he will tell you it didn't go exactly like this.  So fine, I asked him where Lily was and he bolted up and ran about the apartment and finally to the cat dish where she was gorging herself on the finest cat food $10 can buy.  He than told me he thought that the rattling noise was from the cat which was in his lap and he was holding while running around.  Yes Dave, that sounds so much better...
• If you are my Facebook friend or have read previous blogs, I am obsessed with winning on "Roll up the Rim to Win".  As of last night I was still 0/11.  I finally broke that losing streak today.  I won a doughnut on my 12th drink.  I was so overcome with joy that I showed Dave and did my little happy dance.  I stored the cup on the stroller handle for safe keeping.  Now before you applaud, Dave and I walked by a garbage can and Dave (thinking it was his cup) threw out my cup before I had a chance to protest.  This? Of all times he decides to clean up a mess?  In all fairness to Dave he did offer to reach in the trash can to retrieve the cup but we were at Wal-Mart and I didn't think a nasty case of hand herpes (or whatever else lurks in their garbage can) was worth a free doughnut.  Even that's a gamble I wouldn't take.
• Speaking of Wal-Mart, we were there today and stopped by the Tim Hortons so I could get a coffee (so pretty much related to above).  I was standing by Lily eating, okay fine-cramming a doughnut into my mouth.  Dave looks at me and says "hey I should take a picture of you for the people of Wal-Mart!" har-har.  I wasn't the one concerned about wearing what shirt to wear to the store- apparently looking good in Wal-Mart is now a concern of his.
• I was putting Lily in her crib for her nap.  We have her crib mattress lowered so she doesn't try to do an impersonation of a lemming.  I was bent over (always a flattering pose for someone in my state) and I hear laughing in the other room.  Dave comes over with the video baby monitor in tow chuckling "you should see this!"  He tells me to do what I was doing again and flashes me the screen as I bend over.  Wouldn't you know it, on the screen my enormous butt takes up the whole screen(I guess I was standing directly in front of the camera).  Now ladies...men...if you have ever known a pregnant woman, lived with a pregnant woman especially during the fat stages of pregnancy you know that this is just plain dumb.  It is dumber to point out a pregnant lady's ass size then to jump in the lion's pen wearing a meat thong.   
• Dave was watching T.V.  Lily crawled right up beside him and going unnoticed grabbed his lukewarm tea that was on the coffee table beside him.  She then proceeded to dump the entire cup onto our white carpet-and stared at Dave-with the cup still flipped upside down in her hand-and stared-and coughed.  After a few minutes Dave realized the situation.

The article I skimmed over also discussed concern about decreased safety on the job and commuting to and from the job.  However I'd be more worried about Dave's safety at home.  If he shows me one more panoramic butt shot on the baby monitor he will have to retrieve the device out of his own butt.

8days On, 6 Days off

Today is our Monday. Dave just started night one of eight 10hour night shifts. For 8days we are on opposite schedules-when I'm up he's sleeping and when he's up I'm sleeping. The plus side is that after he is done his 80 hours, he then gets 6 days off. I call it missing each other for eight days, driving each other crazy for six. In some way I feel sorry for him, he works his butt off at work and when he comes home he's my bitch for the next six days. I think he was honestly relieved to go to work tonight just to avoid another domestic errand. We lose the first day and the last day due to re-syncing. Him his sleep schedule and me my nagging and complaining schedule.
Here's a few examples how Dave "relaxes" on his days off:

• Day one: Since Dave was re-syncing his sleep cycle for days he didn't go to bed after getting home. I waited until he was up for over 20 hours and then I dragged him to Baby's world to get our new stroller. I know resorting to sleep deprivation to get the expensive stroller (with all the add-ons) I want is a form of duress and taking advantage of the guy but...I won, I Won, I WON!!
• Drive to Surrey for a special rain cover for the new stroller. Baby's world had the cover on back order and it would take 4-6weeks to get here. I thought that would be okay. For some reason it didn't occur to me that we live in Vancouver and it's the rainy season.
• Made him go grocery shopping. First Save-on-Foods but then Superstore after I realized that Save-on didn't have "birthday cake flavored Oreos". They are limited addition, I don't want to go through the rest of my life with regret because I never tried them!
• Made him hang a whole bunch of pictures, take them down and then rehang them until they were perfect. I then made him go through all 1000 of our wedding photos so that we could print out 6 of them for our family college.

Did I mention his days off also required him driving me to Tim Horton's multiple times so I could play "roll up the rim to win". In case you are wondering I still haven't won, I'm now down 0/10!! But seriously, we were a Maple Ridge version of Driving Miss Daisy. Guess that's the price you pay when you buy a vehicle your wife can't drive. He's now back to work and of course the rain has started on again and is suppose to continue for the whole week. Which means getting drenched trying to get from point A to B or risk cabin fever.

For all I annoyed Dave with my constant nagging and dragging around town, he was equally demanding-and I don't mean in the *wink wink* *nudge nudge* way. If you are a married woman you know what I mean. Man at home=double the work load. I actually had to cook-not just pull some frozen leftovers out of the freezer for him to reheat. I was required to provide him with at least 2 hot meals and not the leftovers and lunches of lovely crafted PB and Jelly sandwiches (I make enough for the week and freeze). The dishwasher was ran at least once, sometimes twice a day-and those dishes don't crawl back into the cupboards themselves plus they don't even make it to the dishwasher themselves-I always find a collection on the coffee table. I actually had to do housework so that Dave is still under the impression that I do stuff while I'm at home. Oh and showering and being dressed before noon. At least I have 8days to catch up on my daytime TV now.

Husband at Home=more housework

So today, just like anybody's Monday, started off painfully. Around midnight we heard a thumping and crashing sound coming from the baby monitor. At first we dismissed it and then it happened again and we realized that we haven't seen the cat all night. We peered inside the bedroom and called him softly as to not wake the baby. We then realized he was in the closet. Dave was getting his tools earlier (the closet in Lily's room is actually the man closet-filled with Dave's tools, music stuff and sports crap) and I guess the cat snuck in while we weren't looking. We carefully opened the door only to have half its contents come crashing down on us. Lily bolted up for a second and then laid back down, something the cat should be thanking her for since if he woke her up completely he would have been a patio cat for the night. Lily started screaming like a banshee at 3am for no apparent reason, I guess it was just a test of the emergency broadcast system. Luckily because Dave was up all night re-syncing his sleep schedule he actually had to deal with her. We took Lily for her baby rabies shot (or whatever they vaccinate for these days). It required 5 separate needles. I almost felt bad until I remembered that she woke me up at 3am today and the feeling was short lived. Did I mention that the nurse thinks I'm a total a-hole because I laughed while they were jabbing her? (it's a nervous habit I swear). After she was done they informed me that I was due for two of my own shots-the laughing stopped. When I got them done however they didn't hurt, I don't understand why she was acting like such a baby. Seriously she was screeching so loud then when we walked back into the reception area everyone was staring at us.
Anyways I have 8 days to compose my next "honey-do list". Until the next 6 days McRoberts.....I'll be waiting.

Finally let the poor guy relax and watch some TV, until next week McRoberts....

Some call it Valentine's Day, I call it Tuesday

As you may or may not have noticed from your Facebook newsfeed, today is Valentine's Day.  It has got to be the most dreaded/anticipated holiday of the year.  Love it or hate it, everyone seems to have an opinion of it.  I've never heard so much gnashing of teeth over one holiday, except vegans over Easter-you know making that Cadbury bunny birth so many creme eggs just for our enjoyment...

Single:
Being single on Valentine's Day can be a little difficult-it can be a reminder that you are alone or your most significant partner has four legs and meows.  You can usually tell who is single since they will swear off the holiday, point out how corporate and meaningless it is while buying a tub of ice cream and crying to Bridget Jone's Diary.  To those I say suck it up.  It's the one day where people pity you not being tied down to a family.  The rest of the year we're reading your Facebook statuses being jealous of the trips you take, clothes you buy and the hot guys you get to date and LEAVE at the restaurant knowing you won't be scrubbing their toilets when you get home.  Just remember, I might get flowers and dinner today but tomorrow I'm back to buying off the McDonald's value menu and saving for my daughters education so she won't have to "dance her way through school".  Before the single people roll their eyes and say what does Mrs. Family know and send me a nasty-o-gram, I've only been with Dave for four years and before that I have 4 years of combined dating experience.  This means I've spent over 20 valentine's Days single.  My most depressing Valentine's day was when I ordered out for Chinese food and found a staple in it.  Close second was eating a large pizza.....by myself.  So I know, it can suck, but it's one day of the year.  Just to be clear, the maximum socially acceptable number of cats you can own when you're over 30 and single is still two.  Anymore than that and people are allowed to make crazy cat lady jokes.

Dating:
If its been under a year, the holiday is still fun because you can get away with a card or candy.  The bar is set low, especially if you have just started dating it's a freebie.  Sure there can be that uncomfortable "should I get him anything or not" debate but overall its a novelty rather than obligation.  I'd have to say out of everyone, the people who have been dating for more than a year have it the worst on this day.  When you're single, you already know what to expect (Mr. Whiskers doesn't have oposible thumbs to drive down to Purdy's) and when you're married you're too apathetic about the whole holiday. If you're on the cusp of a long term relationship especially if you're a guy, you're screwed. Nine times out of ten your girlfriend expects a ring.  So unless you're ready to do so, you should be doling out 3 months of your salary buying some fancy necklace or earrings.  You better not dare show up with a card.  If you're a man and you fit under this category and you are reading my blog while standing in line at the 7-11 buying said card, please either turn around and head to Spence diamonds or buy a shovel so you can dig your own grave.

Married:
Being married, Valentine's day doesn't have the same social pressure or expectation.  I mean no matter how romantic your partner makes the day, it doesn't erase the fact that the other day he tried to dutch oven you in bed.  To be honest, I am doing the same things I would have been doing today had I been single.  I'm sitting around in my yoga pants eating pizza.  My husband is playing video games.  The only difference is this time I'm ecstatic-I didn't have to cook dinner. Valentine's Day has even less meaning when you have kids, it becomes like everything else: all about them.  Instead of flowers you're buying those cards to hand out to classmates or maybe you have teenagers and you're waiting on the patio with a shot gun for your daughter to come home from her date.  All the romantic aspect of the holiday is stored right next to your sex life...if only you could remember where you hid that...

And Finally....people who may ruin your day today:

•  The "we got engaged today!":  No matter what your boyfriend does today, it will be overshadowed if your friend happens to get engaged.  If you are a man and you plan on getting engaged, at least warn your guy friends so they get enough swinging distance away from their girlfriends.  Dave and I got engaged on Valentine's Day.  It was the best day for me but we ruined it for another woman.  We went on a float plane with a few other couples, this guy went to the cockpit to talk to the captain and ditched his girlfriend who ended up sitting the entire flight alone so she was already mad to begin with.  When Dave popped the question already mad turned into murderous rage.  I wonder where she ended up burying the guy....
• The posts 50 pictures of all the romantic things we do while exclaiming how great your relationship is person:  They drown your newsfeed with 100s of photos and status updates about how romantic their partner is and  "OMG he's so great" that you start feeling envious.  All of a sudden that bouquet of flowers doesn't seem as impressive as it did 10minutes ago.  Take solace in the fact that they probably will be broken up within the week.
• The in case you didn't know cupid doesn't exist and it's a corporate holiday:  Pointing out that Valentine's day is a corporate holiday is like pointing out ice cream is fattening.  We all know it, why spoil the fun?

The Sugar Game

  Being a housewife isn't all glitz and glamour.  Sometimes it can be a little boring-there are only so many ways to vacuum and dust the place.  Plus there is little variation in the daily routine.  I'd like to say my daily life was like what you see on T.V., however the only thing in common I have with "Desperate Housewives" is the title, there are no cute gardeners at my place, we don't even have a backyard.  While I'd like to claim that I'm like Peggy Bundy, I can't bring myself to eating bon-bons all day and tease my hair like that, although both are acceptable in Maple Ridge. 
   Sometimes I have to invent ways to occupy oneself for entertainment and to starve off insanity.  The last week I've been playing a self-made game called "The Sugar Game".  It is the ultimate in passive aggressive laziness.  The rules are simple and the objective is the same as the other games I create to keep me going-annoy your husband very subtly and see how long it takes him to realize what's going on.
  I'll break the game down-basically we have a sugar dish and the goal is to never refill it.  Timing is everything in this game.  You want to make sure that when it is empty or near empty to put it back and make your unsuspecting partner fills it up.  Make sure that everything else in the surrounding area is always stocked full, that way this small mundane task sticks out.  You get the biggest points if your husband asks you about it.  I started growing impatient so I asked him today if he noticed anything about having to fill up the sugar dish.  He said he was starting to wonder.....should have kept it up for another week.

Oh well, next week I'll stop re-filling the Keurig water tank.

Perfect-All ready for Dave's cup of coffee

Fright Night

Dave and I went out for dinner at the Keg tonight for a "Date Night".  We have had a gift certificate sitting around our house for almost a year, however we never got around to using it.  This is because we are still in the honeymoon faze of our parenting career where we are still okay with not having a social life outside our child-I think it's called the denial phase or maybe Stockholm syndrome.
          We left Lily at our parents and went, yes you have the right date, we chose Monday for a date night.  To be honest Dave had a short work day today and we weren't exhausted so we thought now or never.  We got the honor of sharing the restaurant with the Willowbrook Senior Center...I guess they have date nights on Mondays as well.
           You may ask if we missed Lily while we were at dinner.  The answer is no, the women a few tables down was nice enough to bring her toddler with her and let her run around the restaurant.  Contrary to popular belief when you leave your kid at home you are more aware of other kids and how annoying they are.  I know we're not suppose to judge but judging is so easy (and fun!), however when you go out to get away from your kid the last thing you want to see is another person's.  I know the Keg is no longer considered the pinnacle of fine dining but honestly leave the kid at home or go to Red Robins.
          Anyways the Keg was hosting a "Dine out Vancouver" special that for $40 you got an appy, entree and dessert.  Many restaurants around Vancouver take part in this promotion.  If I wasn't so lazy I'd google so I could explain the promotion....but I am so lazy.  At the restaurant I tried to think past the pregnancy fog to remember back in the days were I actually sat down at a restaurant.  My roaring (early) 20s when I had a social life, a job and pretended like I was an actual Vancouverite and not a Maple Ridgian.  "It's a sampler sized smaller menu meant to let you have a taste of the restaurant's favourite menu items" I claimed.  For some reason yet to be determined, Dave took my word for it even thought the only time I eat at a restaurant is when we order pizza or I get a happy meal from McDonalds.  "We should order another appy because I think we'll still be hungry" I continued.  Just for the the record, if you find yourself at the Keg and going to order off this special, it is not sampler size, please take my word for it.  We ended up ordering 3 appys, 2 entrees and 2 desserts and were quite shocked at the food orgy the waitress brought to our table-Supersize my butt please!  I am happy to report that we did manage to eat all the food and as a result probably consumed this and next week's calories in one sitting.  By the time our check came I couldn't tell if I wanted to puke or crap my pants.
            That pretty much was the cap of our date night-it's hard to be romantic when your bowels are full of $100 worth of steak, dairy and who knows what else.  Dave went straight to bed and as soon as Lily is asleep I'm going to pass out or perhaps hug the toilet for dear life-my gluttony has gotten the best of me tonight.
   ..........Yes, all is quiet in the McRoberts' household. time to consume half a bottle of tums and then pass out in a food coma. 

How I feel at the moment

PS-If you Google images for "Food Coma" you get a lot of pictures of skinny chicks pretending to have eaten something.

Breaking Boundaries

This morning the unspeakable happened-before I could stop it Dave opened the door while I was in the..umm.. bathroom (I'm a prude so I'm not going to go into details, use your imagination..well actually please don't).  Our eyes locked for a brief second before I shrieked and slammed the door in his face. 
I'm a firm believer in boundaries and all relationships should have them.  Mine happens to be a white partial board door, for me it is the divider between a healthy relationship and one where you can't look your partner in the eyes.  A shut bathroom door shouldn't need explanation and unless I am a heart surgeon with a critical patient, Hedi Klum's divorce lawyer or in the middle of a big business merger no one should EVER burst in.  I don't believe in even knocking on the door and asking questions-this isn't facebook, you don't need a status update.  The McRoberts kingdom will not collapse while the queen is on her throne.  If the door is shut I'm busy and it can wait thankyouverymuch.
Now I obviously have to remember to lock the doors every time or maybe I should just implement a sign system like below:

Yes, that will do nicely.

FML if this post goes viral.