Troll Ants

     
I know I haven't blogged in a while.  3 months actually.

Seems to be the issue in my life at the moment is consistency.  Ask me about my fitness routine, painting, blogging..Actually don't ask me because I haven't done anything in a while, but don't worry, I'll do all of it really well for a week before I get distracted *cough* Candy Crush! *cough*

The only thing I've kept up on is Voyager. I'm on the last season now and part of me is going to miss Kate Mulgrew's acting skills which more and more seem resemble her trying to hold in farts.  The other part of me hates myself for sticking through all 8 seasons in hope it gets better.  It doesn't.  At the end even the actors seem ready to wrap things up and hit the caterer's tent.
Anyways, this isn't a post about Voyager, it's about something more annoying.

Ants.

Yes, ants.

You see, D and I have become renters.  The only difference I can see so far between owning a house and renting is when the kids destroy or dent things I can laugh and say "It's not my place".  I'm pretty sure there are many benefits to home-ownership, however when you live with toddlers it's nice to know that as long as the damage stays below the damage deposit value, you're fine.  However when we moved in, the landlords forgot to mention our roomates..the ants.

Do you know that there are over 12,000 species of ants (I can't remember if this is a true fact or if I just made it up but for the sake of this blog just work with me).  However our place is populated by a unique type of ant.  I have given it a new species name, I guess I should go update wikipedia for those busy scientists who will no doubt want to award me a noble peace prize, and maybe a catered lunch.  I dub thee: Troll Ants.

What is a troll ant? Well first of all let us define troll via urban dictionary

    "One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument"

This is exactly what I have on my hands.  But instead of living in message boards or comment sections on the internet, these ants live in my cupboards and possibly my dishwasher.

So why would I call these ants trolls?

Because they are not bound by the normal laws of ant physics which is: see sugar-->eat sugar-->march around a picnic blanket.  No. Instead they feed off my sanity because nothing is sweeter than my sanity.  Seriously, I've bleached and cleaned my kitchen so there is nothing that the ants could possibly want.  It is so clean that I could almost claim that you could eat off them, but that would only be applicable if you were a contestant on fear factor and required to eat ants.  Meanwhile just across the tile in crumb paradise is millions of pulverized cheerios, because a toddler seem to sweat crushed Cheerios (maybe it's their version of pixie dust?).  D has spray foamed and sealed all the cupboards and cracks in the entire kitchen, these ants determined to stop at nothing in order to invade my kitchen just to watch me lose it.  They couldn't have done a better job, even if they had ant sized t-shirts that read "you're just a fangirl".
At first I didn't want to use traditional pest control measures since I've grown rather attached to the bigger pests in my household (the kids).  I spent two weeks trying every recommended natural ant repellant that "Yahoo Answers" had to offer (including mini signs saying no ants allowed, a suggestion probably made by a real troll).  Armed with cinnamon and vinegar I waged battle. Well not really a battle, it started getting into looney tunes territory.  I felt a bit like the wily-e-coyote as I mixed my homemade any spray-which I've dubbed "Kalitov Cocktail". At this rate, I'll be receiving packages from Acme...actually, an anvil may just solve my ant problem.. Vinegar just made the ants more angry and they found their way into my dishwasher, earning our rental at least 3.5 pitchforks in hell's travel guide.  It got so bad that once in a while my dishwasher just turns it's self on and does the dishes. Either the ants have gotten into the electrical or we are haunted by a ghost with higher cleaning standards than me. Either way I can't ask if they used dishwashing soap without hiring a medium or dr. Doolittle.  One morning after leaving out a wet rag-not dirty, WET-hang to dry is reason enough to celebrate. I woke up to antapolooza happening in my sink. After deciding that cinnamon and vinegar was not enough to break up the party, I ended up squishing 40 ants.  It was time for chemicals.

The troll ants just laughed.  I was feeding them all the attention they needed. Wherever I put powder down, they would just find a new place to enter the kitchen, making a home in my coffee cups and silverware so I would spend the rest of the day worrying about accidentally, indirectly poisoning myself.

Eventually I placed down a few ant traps and ignored them.  I forgot about the cardinal internet rule of "don't feed the trolls".
They actually disappeared for a few weeks.  I guess you can only torment someone for so long until you get bored, plus the neighbors decided to leave their garbage outside and most trolls love an easy target.  Just as I was getting use to living in a place where you couldn't tell if that speck was dirt of insect based, I opened up the dishwasher and was greeted by 20 ants.  Turned the dishwasher on high heat.  Apparently they like jacuzzis because they're back there today.

Okay so who put these ants up to this? You can come forward now.