Farewell Facebook-well for now

    
      So I did it, I went off Facebook cold turkey.  I honestly feel like I'm trying to quit smoking.  I've been trying to find ways of cutting back my usage for a few months now.  I tried the Facebook cleanse-but like all diets, I was as good as gold for the morning but by afternoon found myself tired of celery and back in the fridge shoveling cake into my face (or in this case, I wouldn't be on Facebook all day and then killed 3 hours on it at night).  I had a brilliant plan of slowly cutting back my friends list, only keeping the people I interact with online (or they lived far away making offline communication difficult) until eventually I wouldn't feel the need to check my phone every 2 minutes, you know, in case someone mentioned me in a post.  In my hormone soaked brain this seemed like a completely logical idea-until I started deleting people from my list.  I put out a Facebook "warning" but started trimming my list immediately with the same tack as lopping off limbs and then was shocked at the backlash.  I forgot how seriously we all take Facebook-I got a bunch of angry messages, it wasn't like I was un-friending them in REAL life.  If they still wanted to they could phone me and vice versa, however I guess I wasn't sensitive enough, next time I'll mail out a Facebook spring cleaning notification 2weeks in advance.  To be honest even on Facebook where you're not anonymous as say a forum, people can be still be downright nasty online saying things that they would never say to your face, I won't repeat what people said to me to tell me off-maybe we're all a little discontent on the evolution of friendship social media is driving us towards.  However I'm not one for deep thought, so if you are, feel free to take that thought and run with it.  To make a long story short I had a huge cyber temper tantrum and deactivated my account.  I sort of regret it, but I'm too embarrassed to cave after ONE (not even that) day.  Plus I would still be in the same boat as yesterday-overly addicted to Facebook and still having to clean up my friends list.  The draw back to not having Facebook is that I have no idea what day it is or what the weather is like now.  I also don't know if the end of the world happened.  Honestly when I went to bed last night I had no idea if I would still exist when I woke up in the morning. It's weird I woke up today at my usual time and first thing I did was reach for my phone to check what happened last night in my beloved virtual world.  I was saddened when I realized the app was no longer there-now what am I suppose to use this device for?? Oh yeah, maybe dialing someone's number....

Reasons to quit

• I am addicted.  I realized this last year when I clued in that I was checking Facebook on my mobile phone while surfing Facebook on my computer.
• It was making me socially lazy.  Instead of meeting up with people or phoning I was liking statuses and counting that as social maintenance.  
• Too easy to be too personal.  Sure you start off just saying vague thing but next thing you know you've slowly gotten to the point where you're posting your BM schedule.  

Things I miss

• The convenience of knowing everything about everyone.
• Stalking Exes (friends and boyfriends) to make sure they have gotten more fatter, miserable and uglier than me.
• saturating people's newsfeed with pictures of Lily and myself.
• The shamelessness of posting stuff all about me without looking as vapid as if I was telling people the same thing over coffee.
• Pretending I'm the guardian guy on the Matrix.  
• Feeling popular, hey! i got 250 friends!

Excuses to rejoin-I'm jonesing for a status update, I'm a proud person and don't want to go crawling back.  However I'm getting the shakes.

• Pregnancy hormones.  When in doubt, these wonderful hormones can be used to justify every social "oops" or dumb thing I do.  
• Hand slipped-I was trying to like a status but my hand slipped and I deactivated instead.

I'm not completely off the grid-I haven't gone hippy.  I still have a bit of an virtual presence.  I still have my twitter account-yes I know that's like trading heroin for crack but baby steps people!  I'm also going to keep up on this blog so people can still have get an idea what I'm up to without being force feed it via a newsfeed.

So let's hope I make it more than a week.  I've got $2 on making it through the week.

UPDATE:  I briefly logged in this morning, I wanted to see if I could amend my account or get pictures without having an active session-turns out you can't.  I guess I owe Dave $2.00

My Electronic Hostage

        I have been given a new duty -I have been entrusted with the mail key.  Now I usually don't brag when I do a good job, but this is a promotion of some sort-it's kinda a big deal.  I'm slowly climbing up the housewife corporate ladder at the MAC residence:  maybe I'll get a raise in my allowance.  With great power comes great responsibility.  I haven't messed up yet, well aside from accidentally shredding a government check, but it was only $20, lets focus on the positive-I'm keeping up with our shredding pile.
      I checked the mail a few days ago and found postal receipt telling me Dave got a package.  When I picked up said package my keen eye quickly noticed its contents (Read: I ripped open the box with careless disregard for laws preventing people from opening other people's mail).  It was Dave's Xbox-the free one we got for signing away 3 years of our life and half our paycheck to Telus in order to watch the same 4 episodes of Big Bang Theory and 2 1/2 men.  Dave has big plans for the Xbox, he's going to buy the video game Call of Duty so that he can stay up all night playing online with his friends on the days he needs to reset his sleep schedule for nights-a pretty convincing story isn't it?  Please agree since in a moment of pregnancy brain this seemed like a good idea.
     Now I'm no fool.  I know a lot of Call of Duty Widows-girlfriends and wives who have lost their men to that popular online shooting game.  Once they get dispatched into their fantasy war game, it's like they were actually deployed-one moment they're helping you take up the groceries then BAM! they can't leave the house because a mission is at stake and really? they can't let down their team.  It's like cat nip for men, turning even the most mature male into a drooling, adolescence acting, beer drinking, Doritos munching, non-wife-paying-attention-to boy.  I knew that once Dave got his hands on his Xbox that would be the last time he would do anything around the house, or put on pants (a daily struggle as it is already).  It would also be the last time I'd get to enjoy my couch without Dave's buttcheeks permanently indented into it.  So I did what any normal, logical person would do with a ticking time bomb in her hands....I hid it....under Lily's bed (location has since been changed).  At first the trick was to hide it somewhere that Dave would never look.  Sounds like a daunting task but in reality is pretty simple.  The first day I had it sitting on the dining room chair and he walked past it a few times while complaining that he just wanted to look at it.  You see men are not good at finding things, they're hunters, they just look for something moving and try to shoot it, I guess also like the TRex on Jurassic Park-If it stands still it will go unnoticed. I came up with some good ideas for hiding spots:

• I could hide it in the fridge by the leftovers-he can never find any food in the house-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand cold. 
• I could hide it in the dishwasher-he hasn't opened that door since we've been married-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand water. 
• I could hide it in the laundry hamper-he only does laundry once a year- but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand stench.
• I could hide it in the dryer-he's never folded clothes-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand heat
• I could hide it in the oven-he hasn't cooked in a long time-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand smoke.
• Or I could hide it in the recycling bags-he hasn't taken the recycling down in a year-but that's a guarantee that I'd accidentally turf it making it the most expensive hobo pillow out there.  

You get my idea, if not let me know, I have many more I can e-mail you.  Anyways the Xbox has been in safe hiding for a few days now-my lips are sealed.
    So what is the solution?  As fun as it is to taunt Dave, I can't hide it forever. However, I'm not just going to surrender it without a fight.  I know my final hours are upon me so I need to make a honey-do list to end all honey-do lists.  It's got to be long and preferably involves lifting heavy objects, opening cans and moving around furniture.  I've already threatened Dave with "the list" but I haven't written it yet.  I have to choose my demands carefully-I have great leverage with my electronic hostage and I don't want to waste it on a few household chores.  It would be like facing life in jail and demanding a pizza in return for your last hostage.  Here are just some of the ideas I've come up with:

•  Take my box of stuff to donate to the Salvation Army:  As you know from my previous blog I am in the process of decluttering.  It shouldn't be too much of a task: don't think I haven't noticed the box is actually getting lighter each day.  Don't believe me? I found that Dave had removed some objects from the box and hide them because "they are cool"
•  Get rid of some of his crap:  If I left for the week I would come home to a video crew taping an episode of Hoarders.  Honestly the man can't get rid of things and just lets everything pile up.  I got an idea! How about we go ahead and throw out that "sentimental" calendar from 2002 that's sitting in a crumpled mess beside your bedstand? Wouldn't that be novel?
• Clean up his nightstand:  Lily goes into our bedroom every day and knocks over all of Dave's crap that he piles on his nightstand.  It's not even kid safe stuff- pointy tools and spare change.  She knocked over his spare change basket the other day and in frustration I rolled all his coins ($45 worth in pennies and nickels) and put the remaining change in a piggy bank which Lily smashed in two today.  The most frustrating thing is that instead of trying to be tidy, Dave gets frustrated and expects a one year old to show restraint and respect for boundaries.
•  Move the furniture:  Really? I always thought the living room would look better if we rotated the couches 5 degrees.  But I really think we should try some different scenarios just to make sure.
• Wash the windows:  I'm tired of buying window decals to hide the dirt.
• Wash the shower:  Needs some powerful cleaners that are not compatible for pregnancy (the joys of being with a tradesman with a dirty job).  There's some pink mold along with some other darker mold that needs to be scrapped off and maybe the lining needs to be re caulked.  He's got HAZMAT training, it should be good.

Anyways those are just a few ideas.  I'm going to have fun with this list.  It's going to be EPIC winning me the admiration of housewives everywhere.
   Worse comes to worse if the Xbox is too much of a distraction I can smash it.  I mean accidents are most likely to occur in the home aren't they?  I could be dusting and trip or Lily could accidentally shove crayons into the disk tray. 

Think I'm blowing this out of proportion?  If it wasn't true, someecards wouldn't have a funny card in regards to it

Fall of the Iphone

   This is the last entry in my "we had no internet for a week" saga.  I'd link the other two blog posts if I was, you know, a computer programmer and knew how to, so you'll just have to read my previous few entries and do a manual link or as I call it putting two and two together instead.  Just to make sure we're on the same page, the chorus goes:  We canceled our business internet and had to wait a week to get home internet and CABLE.  Yes cable.  So far I'm gorging myself on the best reality TV TLC has to offer.  After watching 4weddings Canada, I have concluded that Canadians are not more polite than Americans. We are just more passive aggressive. Americans will flat out tell you your cake sucks. Canadians will tell you they love your dress then on the private camera say it looks as flattering as a snowsuit on a walrus.  Don't get me started on the differences between Dragon's Den UK and US and kitchen nightmare.... However this post is not a review of all the shows I've been watching, this post is a critic of the Iphone, the device that I relied on to keep me connected through my darkest non-internet having hours.
  I normally love my Iphone, in fact even now if I had to choose between indoor plumbing and my Iphone I would choose the phone.  The world is my toilet, however without my Iphone how would I talk to people? Risk ear herpes using the payphones?  However I have learned a simple fact:  an Iphone cannot replace a computer.  I mean a lot of you computer people are probably rolling your eyes and saying duuuhh that's like saying you can replace a car with a bicycle with a lawnmower motor.  But lets get this straight, I do not use computers to do complex things.  I basically use it as a portal to share all my wisdom and snarky social commentary as well as look up Internet memes and funny cat pictures (so basically Facebook, twitter and LOLcats).  I'm not trying to broker peace deals or launch missiles or use the tremendous technology we have available to better my life.  Heck, I'm not even gaming, hardcore gaming for me is Angry Birds.  The Iphone however has some fatal flaws that I only recently discovered.  First of all the touch screen is horrendous if you need to type anything longer than a sentence.  As I said in earlier posts, it turns my delicate fingers into sausages.  Sorta like how UGGS makes me look like I have cankles.  I've also liked a bunch of things on Facebook I wasn't prepared to like while I was trying to discreetly stalk people.  Don't get me started on the autocorrect-who ever designed that function had a serious sense of humor or a hatred for mankind.  Even today I tried texting my mom "It's hard to get around without a vehicle" and autocorrect changed it to "It's hard to get around without a b-hole".  The apps, while great for checking social networks sites while blogging or absorbed in LOLcats is limited.  Take Facebook, I couldn't figure out how to share Utube videos or status updates on it.  I guess maybe Iphone users are known not to share so they didn't bother adding this function?  By the end of the night my phone was overheating and slowing down.  I was getting a bit worried because when I first got my Iphone I burned out the screen playing spider solitaire.
     Dave had a great idea, the Iphone could be tethered to the computer, so I could basically piggy back on my data plan and have a keyboard that didn't compel me to headbutt walls.  Apparently, if you read the instructions or blogs or forums all you do is plug the phone into the port and BAM you have internet.  Yeah, that did not happen. I plugged it in and nothing happened, except for the fact that it kept trying to sync with Dave's phone, which would have been a disaster since I do not need his heavy metal MP3 clogging my memory and he probably wouldn't appreciate all my cat pictures clogging up his.  For those of you who ask why didn't I use my computer to try to tether that would be because it needed the new version of Itunes installed in order to tether and without internet connection, well you get the vicious cycle.  In the process of attempting to tether my IPhone to my computer I managed to mess up every single setting to ensure that my computer will never be able to connect to the Internet again.  By some miracle we were able to restore the original settings and get rid the maze of networks I created. 
   Let's also not forget the issues of reception.  For some reason my apartment is a huge dead zone when it comes to reception.  On my sofa there is only one bar but on my love seat there is two.  In order to get enough reception to have a fast enough connection, I pretty much have to stand on my head on the dinning room table.  So I guess even if I did figure out how to tether the phone I wouldn't have reception by the computer good enough to make the connection fast enough to spare the monitor from a chair smashing accident.
  Dave suggested a few other ideas to make life without internet easier.  For example downloading Linux, yeah right, like I have the mental capacity to do that. By the time I figure out what is a Linux our Internet would be re-instated.  He also suggested I use the Iphone as like, a phone and call someone and hang out like people did in the 1950s.  If I miss twitter that much, why not go to a crowded place and just shout out catch phrases.  Smartass.
  Anyways with our cable package we got the choice of 3 gifts.  A laptop, Galaxy Tablet or an Xbox.  We were conflicted between the tablet or the Xbox.  I wasn't too partial to the Xbox, we have a PlayStation and all it is to me is another thing to dust.  However Dave wanted it so he could play Call of Duty with his buddies when he's transitioning between nights and days.  After relying on the Iphone for a week I'm glad we didn't go with the tablet because isn't that just a big Iphone?  So I let Dave get his stupid Xbox.
Now that we have internet again, I'm slowly forgiving and forgetting my gripe with the Iphone.  We are on the path of healing however another week without access to my computer and more importantly my keyboard and we would need intensive couple's counseling.

Not my comic

Cable Fable

   So the magical day has finally arrived-we now have cable.  We also got internet re-installed but that is as much of a luxury as indoor plumbing-nobody boasts about having it, even fewer admit they don't have it and nobody confesses that they go down to the McDonalds across the street to use it for free.  Before we had cable, in a period I'd like to call the stoneage, we were using an "over the air antenna".  It's basically the rabbit ears of the 21st century.  They worked decent enough, provided you didn't want to watch cable while it was raining, windy, slightly overcast or wanted to run the dishwasher.  Also most of the 5 channels we got were chopped and messed so half the time you were playing charades trying to guess what was going on.  The only channel we got reliably was KVOS (METV) which is fine and dandy providing you're 80 and like Andy Griffith and the best the 50s,60s and 70s could offer.  There were days were I'd wish for a good cave art painting instead.   
      Right now we are transitioning.  Trying to ease into being "cable people"-it's almost like jumping a tax bracket.  We are also trying to figure out where and how to arrange all the extra equipment that having cable comes with.  We are trying to arrange the PVR box so it is out of reach of little hands and that the newly assembled wire nest is unavailable to craft a make-shift toddler noose.  On a side note: What's with toddlers and trying to hang themselves?  Lily's newest thing is playing with the window blind cord.  Can't she see the strangulation warning?  I'm not sure what comes next after cable.  I think we have reached the red neck pinnacle.  It's sort of like when city people buy an electric car.  The installer asked us if we had more than one TV to hook up, I told him no. If we want to watch TV from our bedroom we tilt the hallway closet door (which is a full length mirror) so it reflects to the bed.  We may be moving up in the world but we're not living 2 TV large just yet. 
  The Telus installer gave us a crash course on how to work everything and handed us a remote but I'm pretty sure they gave us the wrong one-our remote looks more like something that would launch the US missile defense system.  Seriously, when I hit power I don't know if I'm turning on the TV or waging war on England.  I don't really have to worry about the remote just yet, Dave has it in a death like grip and he shows no signs of relenting that power.  We have a PVR which I think is a VCR without needing the tape.  However, to record series, shows or movies you have to memorize a Morse code-like pattern for each one.  I told Dave to make sure that before he leaves for work he leaves the TV on KVOS because there is no way I will be able to figure this out.
    I'm very interested in what cable in the 2010's is like.  We are so use to the TV of the 1950-70's.  My week night line up is usually the Mary Tyler Moore show, Dick Van Dyke show, Bob Newhart and That Girl.  I have a vague memory of TV of the 90s but that is as far as my pop culture knowledge goes.  I wonder if Marlon Brando is still big these days...  We opted out of the high definition package because having color TV shows AND high definition might be a little too over stimulating.  I've also learned that cable packages are like our BAS-they sell you the frame and then charge you for all the add-ons and high definition is double the price.  I'm not really sure what package we got (read: Dave did the ordering), however if it's 300 channels of sports I wouldn't be surprised and if that is true don't be surprised if you see Dave in the paper-obituaries that is.  I know that we swapped all our kids stations with other ones such as HGTV, TLC and DIY.  Sure Lily won't know how to count and spell but she'll be able to drywall and spackle like no other.  Besides, who needs the cookie monster when she could be learning from cake bosses.  Pawn Stars?  way more life skills than learning shapes and colors.  19 Kids and Counting? Teaches her that getting one baby brother (or sister) is not the worse that could happen.  We are still trying to figure out what cableland has to offer us showwise:  I couldn't find the the housewife version of DIY which is DIN (do it while nagging) so at least I can watch DIY and know what to nag Dave about. Actually being a housewife is a lot of DIY, especially when it comes to laundry, dishes and cooking.
     So far we have learned two things about cable.  First is that sometimes even with 100 channels there is just as much on as with 5 channels.  The second is cable is a great way to eliminate communication between spouses (except for the phrase "really? we're going to watch THIS?").  The only thing we have watched so far is hockey and UFC and Dave has mastered the act of drinking beer, eating pizza and ignoring me so not only have I become a cable widow but apparently the place has become a sports bar as well.  I'm just glad I have 4-6weeks before the X-box arrives (free gift for signing up) because I know as soon as he gets Call of Duty, the last words I'll hear from him is "I'm only going to play for 5minutes honey"..... 

Not reality, our cable guy wasn't like this at all

Inter-vent

We have no home Internet until Saturday. No, this isn't one of those "we didn't pay our bill" situations although it wouldn't be a first-Dave has gone to turn on the lights and nothing has happened only to realize that those envelopes sent by BC Hydro weren't greeting cards. We cancelled his business phone and Internet. Apparently the receptionist he hired (read: me) couldn't be bothered to answer the phone-not during MY TV stories. Since not having Internet is not an option, we crunched some numbers and realized that if we got home Internet we could get cable as well and still be paying less a month. Since we didn't want to pay for two packages we opted to get our Business package canceled first, so for the last few days we have been living like cavemen. I have been hunting and gathering via my expensive cell phone data package (I didn't even know who KONY was until my sister explained it, I thought it was a presidential campaign...so cancel my "vote for KONY 2012" buttons). Until we get our Internet back I've been using an old fashion IPad commonly known as a pen and paper (for those of you born after the 90's).
I have posted a few entries but I have typed them out (including this one) on my IPhone doing the two thumb shuffle.
Blogging is hard enough without your IPhone trying to change every second word into something dirty. The autocorrect is so sneaky. It just changes your words and before you know it what you said isn't what you meant. it's like when I ask Dave if my jeans are too baggy and he replies "they're not painted on like your other ones" and it turns into a 30minute argument over how he called me fat.... Plus trying to type something without mashing all the buttons and phoning someone in the process is near impossible. I have small fingers, in fact they are quite dainty. I've been told they are piano fingers (too bad I have the musical talent of a Spice girl). However dainty my fingers may be, as soon as they hit the IPhone touch keyboard, they become thundering elephants, hitting every button but the one I meant to hit. Seriously, I'm getting a "sausage finger" complex. Also jumping between text is almost impossible so to add something in-between words... Forget about it! This means I actually have to finish my train of thought, I just can't frame it and come back to it later. If I do try I have to delete words to get to the part I want to amend and often forget to re-add them, making sentences that make as much sense as grade 10 algebra. Did I also mention I have sweaty hands? Blogging is such a work out that my fingertips sweat and my touch screen becomes more of a mash and swear screen.
Anyways enough about the IPhone, I have a whole pending blog about it once I figure out how to convert my paper copy into a virtual copy-maybe I'll try shoving it in the CD-rom...or as I call it the cup holder, seriously do we still even make cd's anymore?
Can't wait until I have Internet on my computer again, Dave might be a bit annoyed when he looks at our data usage package on our cell phone-I'm putting someone's kids through college.

Legend of Zel-duh

I started playing Legend of Zelda and the Skyword Sword-I've logged in 6hours and I've just gotten past the tutorial part.  When I was younger I use to love video games, I played Sonic and Mario and have even beaten a few of them.  I stopped playing them when the consoles introduced a 4th button on their controllers followed by even newer controllers that put scientific calculators to shame.  Before I realised it, games had evolved into complex organisms and my favourite classics were the equivalent of the slime that crawled out of the ocean.
       About 3 or 4 years ago I bought my parents a Wii system for Christmas.  After the novelty of being able to stand and bowl and virtually play tennis wore off, I downloaded all my classics and stuck to that.  I never expanded further into the possibility of modern gaming.  Well that's a bit of a lie, I tried.  However I couldn't muster the co-ordination required to play the games:  now you had to hold two controllers, point at the screen, move a joystick and shake the other controller around like a baton.  I would always end up in a tangled mess or looking like Elaine dancing from Seinfeld (yes I know I need to update my cultural references, if you have cable invite me over to watch it).  How I never accidentally chucked the controller into my parent's TV or given myself a black eye is a miracle.  My other stumbling block was the move to 3D.  I have terrible eyesight so I would find myself closing one eye to try to see better.  Its the same argument I have with my husband over buying high definition items-whats the point of having high def if your eyes don't support it (my eyes are still like the tube TVs so why spend the extra money?).  For the last few years I have dedicated myself to being the videogame wingman.  It combines some of my many talents: backseat driving and nagging.  I watch my husband/mom play and try to solve the puzzles and tell them how not to die.  My husband doesn't seem to mind my help so either I'm really good or he knows that if he nods and agrees with what I say I'll let him play his game for a few hours longer before making him move heavy furniture around in my own personal game:apartment tetris.
     Back to Zelda-I AM actually enjoying the game.  It has cute graphics that won't scare people like me who have vivid imaginations and husbands who work nights (hence why I use my husband's play station as a paperweight-here there be zombies). It also starts off easy and slowly increases its difficulty to keep people like me who die easy and are sore losers from getting discouraged and going back to the safety of spider solitaire.
     However, I have a few issues so far with the game.  The first is with the flying, you have to hold the controller horizontal then move your arm up and down in a flapping motion.  This is like doing resistance free weights, it hurts, I get tired and then I crash.  The second is my parent's coffee table.  Yes I know technically this isn't a game interface issue and more of a home decor one but when I have to get up to do my big boss battles I hate bumping my shins.  The main boss guy also has a horrendous haircut, his bangs are over his eyes and the game doesn't even account for the fact he should be bad at depth perception since one eye is always covered.  Which brings me to the other question-how does Link's hat stay on?
         I'm hoping that maybe I will eventually finish the game or at the very least get past the first world.  All this videogame wingman talk has made me hungry for some wings...mmm wings.

Spider Solitare

Today Lily hit me with a backscratcher.  Apparently I wasn't paying her enough attention. I was, yes, on my IPhone.  You see I am an IPhone addict-but its not what you think-I'm addicted to spider solitare.  I wish this was a euphisim for something more bad ass or exciting, but it isn't. I AM actually taking about the card game.  I guess spider solitare is a bad ass version of solitare if you think of it-you use multiple decks-it's like solitare with a mohawk and lip piercing, but not skinny jeans...it's not hipster.  Anyways I'm always on my IPhone and always trying to improve my Spider solitare game, rocking out the two suits (on Friday when I'm feeling freaky I may try four suits but usually go running back to the comfort of two).  Yes I am well aware that I'm using a $400 piece of highly tuned equipment for something I can do with a $2 deck of cards, and yes my battery is usally dead by 5PM making me unreachable.  Maybe my abuse of technology can be cured, maybe there is an app for that...I wouldn't know, my tour of the app store ended with Spider Solitare. But hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the genetically encoded tree-my dad recently go at $600 Ipad and thinks its the sweetest radio.


-Logging off, I see Lily coming this way with a potato masher...