Cable Fable

   So the magical day has finally arrived-we now have cable.  We also got internet re-installed but that is as much of a luxury as indoor plumbing-nobody boasts about having it, even fewer admit they don't have it and nobody confesses that they go down to the McDonalds across the street to use it for free.  Before we had cable, in a period I'd like to call the stoneage, we were using an "over the air antenna".  It's basically the rabbit ears of the 21st century.  They worked decent enough, provided you didn't want to watch cable while it was raining, windy, slightly overcast or wanted to run the dishwasher.  Also most of the 5 channels we got were chopped and messed so half the time you were playing charades trying to guess what was going on.  The only channel we got reliably was KVOS (METV) which is fine and dandy providing you're 80 and like Andy Griffith and the best the 50s,60s and 70s could offer.  There were days were I'd wish for a good cave art painting instead.   
      Right now we are transitioning.  Trying to ease into being "cable people"-it's almost like jumping a tax bracket.  We are also trying to figure out where and how to arrange all the extra equipment that having cable comes with.  We are trying to arrange the PVR box so it is out of reach of little hands and that the newly assembled wire nest is unavailable to craft a make-shift toddler noose.  On a side note: What's with toddlers and trying to hang themselves?  Lily's newest thing is playing with the window blind cord.  Can't she see the strangulation warning?  I'm not sure what comes next after cable.  I think we have reached the red neck pinnacle.  It's sort of like when city people buy an electric car.  The installer asked us if we had more than one TV to hook up, I told him no. If we want to watch TV from our bedroom we tilt the hallway closet door (which is a full length mirror) so it reflects to the bed.  We may be moving up in the world but we're not living 2 TV large just yet. 
  The Telus installer gave us a crash course on how to work everything and handed us a remote but I'm pretty sure they gave us the wrong one-our remote looks more like something that would launch the US missile defense system.  Seriously, when I hit power I don't know if I'm turning on the TV or waging war on England.  I don't really have to worry about the remote just yet, Dave has it in a death like grip and he shows no signs of relenting that power.  We have a PVR which I think is a VCR without needing the tape.  However, to record series, shows or movies you have to memorize a Morse code-like pattern for each one.  I told Dave to make sure that before he leaves for work he leaves the TV on KVOS because there is no way I will be able to figure this out.
    I'm very interested in what cable in the 2010's is like.  We are so use to the TV of the 1950-70's.  My week night line up is usually the Mary Tyler Moore show, Dick Van Dyke show, Bob Newhart and That Girl.  I have a vague memory of TV of the 90s but that is as far as my pop culture knowledge goes.  I wonder if Marlon Brando is still big these days...  We opted out of the high definition package because having color TV shows AND high definition might be a little too over stimulating.  I've also learned that cable packages are like our BAS-they sell you the frame and then charge you for all the add-ons and high definition is double the price.  I'm not really sure what package we got (read: Dave did the ordering), however if it's 300 channels of sports I wouldn't be surprised and if that is true don't be surprised if you see Dave in the paper-obituaries that is.  I know that we swapped all our kids stations with other ones such as HGTV, TLC and DIY.  Sure Lily won't know how to count and spell but she'll be able to drywall and spackle like no other.  Besides, who needs the cookie monster when she could be learning from cake bosses.  Pawn Stars?  way more life skills than learning shapes and colors.  19 Kids and Counting? Teaches her that getting one baby brother (or sister) is not the worse that could happen.  We are still trying to figure out what cableland has to offer us showwise:  I couldn't find the the housewife version of DIY which is DIN (do it while nagging) so at least I can watch DIY and know what to nag Dave about. Actually being a housewife is a lot of DIY, especially when it comes to laundry, dishes and cooking.
     So far we have learned two things about cable.  First is that sometimes even with 100 channels there is just as much on as with 5 channels.  The second is cable is a great way to eliminate communication between spouses (except for the phrase "really? we're going to watch THIS?").  The only thing we have watched so far is hockey and UFC and Dave has mastered the act of drinking beer, eating pizza and ignoring me so not only have I become a cable widow but apparently the place has become a sports bar as well.  I'm just glad I have 4-6weeks before the X-box arrives (free gift for signing up) because I know as soon as he gets Call of Duty, the last words I'll hear from him is "I'm only going to play for 5minutes honey"..... 

Not reality, our cable guy wasn't like this at all