Tome Raider

     So I haven't posted on my blog for almost a week.  You can blame that on two things: Cable and Lily.  First of all I keep running into marathons of brain junk food.  Stark Trek TNG, Four Weddings, Storage Wars, Parking War-I'm beating my brain into a nice gooey submission so I can drown out any individual thought (sometimes a plus when your life revolves around toddler's bowel movements and dishwasher cycles).  Right now as we speak I am watching a Police Academy movie marathon.  I'm ODing on cable because it's such a novelty at the moment.  It reminds me of that time I discovered the Fillet-o-Fish at McDonalds and loved it so much I ate 6 of them and then proceeded to puke all over the restaurant floor...true story. I'm not at the point of puking up cheesy reality TV shows but I'm getting close, well until Duck Hunters premiers-seriously how can you not resist millionaire red necks?  BTW is anyone else disturbed that A&E which stands for Arts and Entertainment and TLC-The Learning Channel only play reality shows now?  I guess I'm entertained but I certainly haven't learned anything.  The second reason for my lack of cyber participation? Lily.  She's teething again which means she's no longer sleeping through the night, which means I'm not sleeping.  Seriously have you ever wanted to know what my apartment looks like at 1AM?  Spoiler:  It looks the exact same as 2AM, 4AM, 6AM and 8AM...
     I'm a house wife, that's my job right now, and like every other job you got to sneak in a nap once in a while, especially when the nights are a write off.  Instead of most people sleeping on the job, it isn't because I was partying and possibly hungover, the reason is a screaming toddler who can't handle two teeth.  So how do you sneak in a nap when your boss is a little tyrant who will hit you with a remote control or eat cat litter or destroy your stuff as soon as you close your eyes?  Seriously, Lily will trash the house (even thought our living room has been taken over by her toys) and right now I'm at the point where I'm sacrificing my stuff to get a few minutes of sleep.  So what is the latest causality this time around?  My books.  Yes I own books.  Before my breeder days I was somewhat educated.  Yes I was a university student who knew everything-but back in our day the only occupy movement we had was occupy the pub.  My books are my last evidence of my degree.  I have since forgotten every single thing I learned.  I majored in Archaeology but at the moment I don't think I can even spell Archeology without the help of spell check.  Seriously if it wasn't for spell check I wouldn't know that learnt isn't grammatically correct.  When I first moved in my books were a source of pride and resistance.  Our place was already set up and filled with Dave's stuff (read: crap) and there was nothing that spoke of my personality in sight.  I decided I wanted the bookcase with my books as a way to make my mark without, you know, peeing all over the place.   
  Lily has a fascination for books.  Please note that I said fascination not respect-she mostly likes turning the pages and teething on them.  In Lily's world books are good for eating and throwing at the cat.  She also has a fascination with the book shelf and will often pull my books down and inspect them ignoring all her baby friendly cardboard page books of her own.  I don't blame her, have you read those Baby Einstein books?  They're not so much as story books as adjectives describing nouns.  I doubt they really make your kids smarter, they just make them more annoying because it takes them 10mins to describe the color orange.  Besides, why do we want our kids to be like Einstein? He was a bit of a weirdo who just happened to work at a patent office.  If we want our kids to be successful this day and age we just need to make sure they can sing to autotune and we can afford them a nose and boob job.  I'm holding up for a "Baby Kardashin" book series..but that's a rant for another day....
  Anyways I was so desperate for 5minutes of sleep, I just wanted to lay down and close my eyes.  Lily, who soon become tired of pelting me with "Little People" figurines decided to inspect the bookcase.  Grateful for some peace, I let Lily gleefully rip the pages out of my academic books.  Just like her viking forefathers who burned down the Roman Libraries setting civilization back 300years, Lily was destroying my own personal library of knowledge.  She pulled book after book out in a state of carnage that would make any book burning/destroying movement proud.  As I slept Archaeology Methods because Anarchy Methods,  Jane Eyre became Jane Error,  Primates in Nature became Primarily in Slobber and Human Pathology became.....well scrap paper.  When I finally decided to scope out the damage, our bedroom was scattered with books, they never had a chance against hurricane Lily.
  I ended up taking half of my books to the Salvation Army or recycling because at this point in my life I can't really see myself needed Archaeology Methods, of course it maybe good at examining the fossilized food I dig up under Lily's highchair.  Plus Lily has given them such a beating that even if I wanted to read them, I would have to madd libb them since so many pages are missing.  So not only are my books at the mercy of a toddler with no respect for the written word but some hobo is probably using my Charlotte Bronte collection as toilet paper.
  I need to find another way of dealing with my Tome Raider before all my archaeology books become lost arks... Some people say put them a shelf higher but I think child services would frown if my kid was flattened like a pancake by a text book.

Lily's Temple of Doom: We just shove everything she pulls out back onto the shelves, it's becoming quite a hazard...

Our own little paper shredder.