Fall of the Iphone

   This is the last entry in my "we had no internet for a week" saga.  I'd link the other two blog posts if I was, you know, a computer programmer and knew how to, so you'll just have to read my previous few entries and do a manual link or as I call it putting two and two together instead.  Just to make sure we're on the same page, the chorus goes:  We canceled our business internet and had to wait a week to get home internet and CABLE.  Yes cable.  So far I'm gorging myself on the best reality TV TLC has to offer.  After watching 4weddings Canada, I have concluded that Canadians are not more polite than Americans. We are just more passive aggressive. Americans will flat out tell you your cake sucks. Canadians will tell you they love your dress then on the private camera say it looks as flattering as a snowsuit on a walrus.  Don't get me started on the differences between Dragon's Den UK and US and kitchen nightmare.... However this post is not a review of all the shows I've been watching, this post is a critic of the Iphone, the device that I relied on to keep me connected through my darkest non-internet having hours.
  I normally love my Iphone, in fact even now if I had to choose between indoor plumbing and my Iphone I would choose the phone.  The world is my toilet, however without my Iphone how would I talk to people? Risk ear herpes using the payphones?  However I have learned a simple fact:  an Iphone cannot replace a computer.  I mean a lot of you computer people are probably rolling your eyes and saying duuuhh that's like saying you can replace a car with a bicycle with a lawnmower motor.  But lets get this straight, I do not use computers to do complex things.  I basically use it as a portal to share all my wisdom and snarky social commentary as well as look up Internet memes and funny cat pictures (so basically Facebook, twitter and LOLcats).  I'm not trying to broker peace deals or launch missiles or use the tremendous technology we have available to better my life.  Heck, I'm not even gaming, hardcore gaming for me is Angry Birds.  The Iphone however has some fatal flaws that I only recently discovered.  First of all the touch screen is horrendous if you need to type anything longer than a sentence.  As I said in earlier posts, it turns my delicate fingers into sausages.  Sorta like how UGGS makes me look like I have cankles.  I've also liked a bunch of things on Facebook I wasn't prepared to like while I was trying to discreetly stalk people.  Don't get me started on the autocorrect-who ever designed that function had a serious sense of humor or a hatred for mankind.  Even today I tried texting my mom "It's hard to get around without a vehicle" and autocorrect changed it to "It's hard to get around without a b-hole".  The apps, while great for checking social networks sites while blogging or absorbed in LOLcats is limited.  Take Facebook, I couldn't figure out how to share Utube videos or status updates on it.  I guess maybe Iphone users are known not to share so they didn't bother adding this function?  By the end of the night my phone was overheating and slowing down.  I was getting a bit worried because when I first got my Iphone I burned out the screen playing spider solitaire.
     Dave had a great idea, the Iphone could be tethered to the computer, so I could basically piggy back on my data plan and have a keyboard that didn't compel me to headbutt walls.  Apparently, if you read the instructions or blogs or forums all you do is plug the phone into the port and BAM you have internet.  Yeah, that did not happen. I plugged it in and nothing happened, except for the fact that it kept trying to sync with Dave's phone, which would have been a disaster since I do not need his heavy metal MP3 clogging my memory and he probably wouldn't appreciate all my cat pictures clogging up his.  For those of you who ask why didn't I use my computer to try to tether that would be because it needed the new version of Itunes installed in order to tether and without internet connection, well you get the vicious cycle.  In the process of attempting to tether my IPhone to my computer I managed to mess up every single setting to ensure that my computer will never be able to connect to the Internet again.  By some miracle we were able to restore the original settings and get rid the maze of networks I created. 
   Let's also not forget the issues of reception.  For some reason my apartment is a huge dead zone when it comes to reception.  On my sofa there is only one bar but on my love seat there is two.  In order to get enough reception to have a fast enough connection, I pretty much have to stand on my head on the dinning room table.  So I guess even if I did figure out how to tether the phone I wouldn't have reception by the computer good enough to make the connection fast enough to spare the monitor from a chair smashing accident.
  Dave suggested a few other ideas to make life without internet easier.  For example downloading Linux, yeah right, like I have the mental capacity to do that. By the time I figure out what is a Linux our Internet would be re-instated.  He also suggested I use the Iphone as like, a phone and call someone and hang out like people did in the 1950s.  If I miss twitter that much, why not go to a crowded place and just shout out catch phrases.  Smartass.
  Anyways with our cable package we got the choice of 3 gifts.  A laptop, Galaxy Tablet or an Xbox.  We were conflicted between the tablet or the Xbox.  I wasn't too partial to the Xbox, we have a PlayStation and all it is to me is another thing to dust.  However Dave wanted it so he could play Call of Duty with his buddies when he's transitioning between nights and days.  After relying on the Iphone for a week I'm glad we didn't go with the tablet because isn't that just a big Iphone?  So I let Dave get his stupid Xbox.
Now that we have internet again, I'm slowly forgiving and forgetting my gripe with the Iphone.  We are on the path of healing however another week without access to my computer and more importantly my keyboard and we would need intensive couple's counseling.

Not my comic