I checked the mail a few days ago and found postal receipt telling me Dave got a package. When I picked up said package my keen eye quickly noticed its contents (Read: I ripped open the box with careless disregard for laws preventing people from opening other people's mail). It was Dave's Xbox-the free one we got for signing away 3 years of our life and half our paycheck to Telus in order to watch the same 4 episodes of Big Bang Theory and 2 1/2 men. Dave has big plans for the Xbox, he's going to buy the video game Call of Duty so that he can stay up all night playing online with his friends on the days he needs to reset his sleep schedule for nights-a pretty convincing story isn't it? Please agree since in a moment of pregnancy brain this seemed like a good idea.
Now I'm no fool. I know a lot of Call of Duty Widows-girlfriends and wives who have lost their men to that popular online shooting game. Once they get dispatched into their fantasy war game, it's like they were actually deployed-one moment they're helping you take up the groceries then BAM! they can't leave the house because a mission is at stake and really? they can't let down their team. It's like cat nip for men, turning even the most mature male into a drooling, adolescence acting, beer drinking, Doritos munching, non-wife-paying-attention-to boy. I knew that once Dave got his hands on his Xbox that would be the last time he would do anything around the house, or put on pants (a daily struggle as it is already). It would also be the last time I'd get to enjoy my couch without Dave's buttcheeks permanently indented into it. So I did what any normal, logical person would do with a ticking time bomb in her hands....I hid it....under Lily's bed (location has since been changed). At first the trick was to hide it somewhere that Dave would never look. Sounds like a daunting task but in reality is pretty simple. The first day I had it sitting on the dining room chair and he walked past it a few times while complaining that he just wanted to look at it. You see men are not good at finding things, they're hunters, they just look for something moving and try to shoot it, I guess also like the TRex on Jurassic Park-If it stands still it will go unnoticed. I came up with some good ideas for hiding spots:
- I could hide it in the fridge by the leftovers-he can never find any food in the house-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand cold.
- I could hide it in the dishwasher-he hasn't opened that door since we've been married-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand water.
- I could hide it in the laundry hamper-he only does laundry once a year- but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand stench.
- I could hide it in the dryer-he's never folded clothes-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand heat
- I could hide it in the oven-he hasn't cooked in a long time-but I'm not sure if the Xbox can withstand smoke.
- Or I could hide it in the recycling bags-he hasn't taken the recycling down in a year-but that's a guarantee that I'd accidentally turf it making it the most expensive hobo pillow out there.
So what is the solution? As fun as it is to taunt Dave, I can't hide it forever. However, I'm not just going to surrender it without a fight. I know my final hours are upon me so I need to make a honey-do list to end all honey-do lists. It's got to be long and preferably involves lifting heavy objects, opening cans and moving around furniture. I've already threatened Dave with "the list" but I haven't written it yet. I have to choose my demands carefully-I have great leverage with my electronic hostage and I don't want to waste it on a few household chores. It would be like facing life in jail and demanding a pizza in return for your last hostage. Here are just some of the ideas I've come up with:
- Take my box of stuff to donate to the Salvation Army: As you know from my previous blog I am in the process of decluttering. It shouldn't be too much of a task: don't think I haven't noticed the box is actually getting lighter each day. Don't believe me? I found that Dave had removed some objects from the box and hide them because "they are cool"
- Get rid of some of his crap: If I left for the week I would come home to a video crew taping an episode of Hoarders. Honestly the man can't get rid of things and just lets everything pile up. I got an idea! How about we go ahead and throw out that "sentimental" calendar from 2002 that's sitting in a crumpled mess beside your bedstand? Wouldn't that be novel?
- Clean up his nightstand: Lily goes into our bedroom every day and knocks over all of Dave's crap that he piles on his nightstand. It's not even kid safe stuff- pointy tools and spare change. She knocked over his spare change basket the other day and in frustration I rolled all his coins ($45 worth in pennies and nickels) and put the remaining change in a piggy bank which Lily smashed in two today. The most frustrating thing is that instead of trying to be tidy, Dave gets frustrated and expects a one year old to show restraint and respect for boundaries.
- Move the furniture: Really? I always thought the living room would look better if we rotated the couches 5 degrees. But I really think we should try some different scenarios just to make sure.
- Wash the windows: I'm tired of buying window decals to hide the dirt.
- Wash the shower: Needs some powerful cleaners that are not compatible for pregnancy (the joys of being with a tradesman with a dirty job). There's some pink mold along with some other darker mold that needs to be scrapped off and maybe the lining needs to be re caulked. He's got HAZMAT training, it should be good.
Worse comes to worse if the Xbox is too much of a distraction I can smash it. I mean accidents are most likely to occur in the home aren't they? I could be dusting and trip or Lily could accidentally shove crayons into the disk tray.
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| Think I'm blowing this out of proportion? If it wasn't true, someecards wouldn't have a funny card in regards to it |
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