All I watch is reality TV shows lately.
Not only did we get cable but we got a PVR which means I can record all my favorite shows and watch it whenever I want. After a boring day of scrubbing toilets and doing laundry I love to watch my shows and see a bunch of people add a flare of drama to the most simplest things. With just a tap of a button I have access to tens of shows each more trashier and juicier than the next. I never thought the day would come where I would be addicted to reality TV. I mean the whole Survivor craze was lost on me. Lately I have found all the scripted shows on TV are boring, I mean there's a few good ones like Modern Family but most of the sitcoms seem to have the same storyline-the two main characters we know are going to hook up eventually hook up, then they break up, then they whine about it, hook up again and then the show is cancelled. Don't even get me started on the show Once Upon a Time, it's painful watching that actress from House try to emote on the screen-She makes Kristen Stewart seem like the most talented thespian out there. The other choices feature Zombies and Vampires but they give me nightmares especially since I'm home alone at night. Hell, I even tried watching Star Wars but turned it off after 5 minutes. When you're 37weeks pregnant, Jabba the Hut is the last thing you want to see, not to be confused with the parody Spaceballs-Pizza the hut is always a welcome sight. Plus if I didn't watch reality TV I would miss golden quotes such as "Squirrel Brains are what make you smart"-Duck Dynasty or "Doesn't matter how you skin a cat, the hair grows back anyways"-Darrel from Storage Wars. See? Gold.
Here's what I'm watching and what I think of it:
- STORAGE WARS: It's like a huge peeing contest between a bunch of men. One jacks up the bidding price to mess with a guy and thinks he's shown the guy who's boss and the other one buys the overpriced locker and thinks he won and shown the other guy who's boss. Sometimes they get something good but other times they're just fighting over a box of crap. While watching I often wonder if there is someone out there watching and goes "crap! that's where I put my diamond ring collection!!". All I know is this show makes me really want to go rent a storage locker, pack it full of cardboard boxes filled with shredded newspaper and apple cores and write "valuable antiques" in black marker on its sides and then default on the payments.
- DANCE MOMS: I just discovered this show a few days ago. It's about a bunch of ex-pageant rejects with bad botox jobs trying to relive their youth through their daughters while in the process scarring them and making them pretty much un-dateable to the general public. I use to be a competitive dancer. I've won many a participant ribbon in my day-my sister had the real talent, she had medals and trophies, unfortunately I was blessed with two badly placed left feet, unfortunate glasses and teeth that made my sister nickname me Ferengi. I'd show up to competitions, make it halfway through my dance, forget the rest and then stand on the stage and cry. I think if my mom was one of these Dance moms she would have had a stroke. Luckily I doubt I'll have to worry about putting Lily in dance. She's got the grace and build of a football linebacker. If I tried to make her practice she would just tackle me. I wouldn't have to worry about the dance teacher making her cry because it would be the other way around-I would find the teacher rocking back and forth in the corner. Plus I don't think I'd be able to take it-to be honest Lily's in music class and when she just chews on her sticks instead of banging them together like she's suppose to, a small piece of me dies.
- KITCHEN NIGHTMARES: This show renews my love for McDonalds. I never see them on this show which speaks to their high quality. One thing I don't get is the owners invite Chef Gordan Ramsey to fix their place and act all surprised that it's bad to have your kitchen overrun by cockroaches.
- DUCK DYNASTY: I love this show, it's fun watching a bunch of rednecks share their one chromosome to run a business. At first I didn't like it, I thought it was a bit forced and it felt like the people were reading from scripts. I then realized that this wasn't true-they were just slow. I also revel in the fact that there are people who are more redneck then me.
- FOUR WEDDINGS (Canada/US): This show is fun to watch. However I don't really understand who would agree to be on it. Who goes "okay on my special day I want three other brides giving me the bitch side eye, making snarky comments about my dress and food!". Sure! make my wedding into a giant competition, it will prep me for when I have kids and possibly for an appearance on Dance Moms! The brides usually spend extra money in order to show off so in the end they probably could pay for the honeymoon themselves, or at least go to Mexico-I'd take my chances with the drug cartels rather than the 3 other brides I get paired with thankyouverymuch. Those girls can strike you down with one glare if you dare serve them the fish or make them wait a hour between reception and ceremony. After watching 4weddings Canada, I have concluded that Canadians are not more polite than Americans. We are just more passive aggressive. Americans will flat out tell you your cake sucks. Canadians will tell you they love your dress then on the private camera say it looks as flattering as a snowsuit on a walrus.
- CANADIAN PICKERS: You get to watch two men go to a bunch of old guy's houses and try to convince them to let go of some of their rusty crap. Here you see the old men fight over the price and worth of a rusty, dirty can collection. Maybe this show is lost on me, I mean for me antique collector is a polite way of saying hoarder. If I were these pickers I would go back in 5years to the guy's estate sale and buy them for a buck from family members who just want to get rid of the crap. Or sort through their recycling when their wife finally gets fed up and does some spring cleaning.
- PAWN STARS-The best part of this show is watching the people come in to pawn off family antiques and try to make excuses for why they're getting rid of them. Sure, they say they're making room in their house but keep in mind the store is located in Vegas. Chances are they're trying to pay off a gambling bet or need more money for hookers and blow.
- HOLMES INSPECTION: This is the demotivational poster child for wanting to buy a home. It is also a sure way to notice cracks and defects in your own house and then worry about mold and getting lung herpes.
- YES TO THE DRESS: This show has fallen out of favor with me because lately they just bring in ex-beauty pageant contestants. Also I get tired of all the crying. I do still laugh at the ladies who go for alterations and their dress is too small because they either gained weight or bought a smaller size in hope to lose some weight and then blame the dressmaker. If I was the dressmaker I'd stab them with one of those sewing pins. Sometimes I just want to shout at the girls on TV and tell them "It's just a dress! It will be taking up space in your parent's crawl space soon enough!" I bet you the people from Holmes Inspection wished they spent as much time obsessing about finding a good inspector as these girls do about finding the perfect dress. I remember when I bought my wedding dress. I wanted something that hugged my figure and left no room for a single pound deviation. I bought a fit and flare (see what I learned from TV) with a zipper back. The next week I found out I was pregnant and realized that I would be 3 almost 4 months when I got married (around the same time most women "pop"). It took a lot of prayers, weekly fittings near the date and the aid of a shoehorn but it fit...barley.
- CANADA'S WORST DRIVERS: This one makes me laugh but I really cannot judge them. Just the other day I put our big ass truck in reverse thinking it was in park and tried to jump out. This season is gold, they have a priest that drives too slow, an anarchist and a girl who claims that she is 28 but looks more like she's in her 40's-maybe she thought they were asking for her IQ and not her age. There is this one woman who is always on her cell phone. She's not a doctor or a lawyer or anyone really that important. I don't really understand who exactly is calling her all the time? What makes this show hilarious is that the first episode they made everyone do a test course in a Rolls Royce. Of course it got destroyed and totaled in the process-totally worth it because I got to watch my husband cringe, wince and gripe the sofa the entire time.
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