Supermom

   We live in the age of the so-called Supermom.  If size zero models are the media's way to tell us to put down the Twinkies in order to be perfect then the supermoms are the media's way of telling us how parent in order to keep CPS off our doorsteps. 
Supermoms can do it all.  It started off as being defined as: 

A mom who takes on the selfless and unconditional responsibility to nurture the emotional and physical well-being of her kids.

Which makes sense except for the selfless and unconditional responsibility part.  I mean I skipped out of Strong Start the other day so I could get coffee...but its Pumpkin Spice season, it's a seasonal flavor people!  However this definition has morphed into an even bigger monster: supermoms now are expected to cook, clean, take care of the kids, run errands, help with school projects all with get this: a smile on their face.  Not to be confused with Superdads which is basically any man that knows how to make a bottle and insert it correctly into baby.  Supermom's never roll their eyes at mother goose songs, refuse to take their child to strong start until her second cup of coffee or change the ending of four little ducks to them getting put into a happy meal (that will teach them for going over the hill and far away).  They mix education with fun and add in some organic apple sauce, handmade of course.  Their kids don't eat worms and most certainty don't dump sand on other kids in the playground and if they did she certainly wouldn't laugh and say "yeah kids will do that".  Plus I'm pretty sure they've never been recognized at the McDonald's drive thru.    
   Just like the gazelle legged model on page seven, the Supermom is pretty unrealistic.  Just Google supermom and you'll come up with scary articles about how mothers are more stressed out nowadays and are having trouble coping. Did I mention because of that Supermom comes with her sidekick Mommy Guilt?  Oh you know her, she's the one that "tsk tsks" you when you're watching Secret Princes instead of Baby Einstein or shuns you when your 20month old can say McDonald's perfectly because you've stopped for happy meals at least twice in the past week....
  To be honest, this post isn't about Supermoms, it's about her nemesis Mediocre Mom.  Step in me.  I love my kids, I love being a parent but I think its unrealistic to be expected to do everything perfectly.  Motherhood is a full time job with very bad hours.  On the 16th hour of your shift in any given job you are going to get frustrated when your toddler looks at you defiantly while dumping her dinner on the floor.  And I personally couldn't say "lets make this an educational experience and turn the spilled pasta into quadratic equations" (more like lets count mommie's eye twitches).  I honestly got exhausted when I was looking up definitions and came across this list this one lady compiled.  I'd link it, however I'm scared she would hunt me down with a homemade bow and arrow.  Lets just say it involved doing your laundry while your baby was in something called a sling! Whatever happened to good ol'fashioned days of yelling at your husband to turn his underwear inside out to get another days use out of it? And if I'm doing laundry I'm certainly not taking the little one on a magical educational journey of how a washer works, if anything we're discussing how the unpaid economy of being a housewife sorta sucks.  Did I mention that in the post, said sling was purchased on ebay? I smell a borderline hippy..My cooking isn't from scratch either.  My specialty dish comes from the frozen food asile and I couldn't let my kids cook with me because due to strong language it would be PG-13.  A subset of the supermom is the helicopter parent.  These are parents that hover over their children, ensuring they don't miss an opportunity.  These parent's are perfect if you're tired and need a nap-you just dump your child in their vicinity and pretend to concentrate real hard at the wall and POOF free childcare.  I guess I should get down to my point since I'm tired and you know I'm on call tonight-My advice to all the stressed out mommy's out there- relax, be a little more mediocre, we all know that all the organic, free-range, handblended applesauce in the world won't save your kids from being snarky teenagers. I mean we should as mothers recognise that its okay to be selfish as long as your kids are not wearing plastic bags for shoes because you spent all your money on booze and McDonalds.  And honestly its okay not to smile to "the wheels on the bus".  I don't know about you but I relish the day they invent hover cars so I don't have to listen about those wheels going round and round.


Seriously, I doubt the Supermom is part of a union, if so she would be in trouble for stealing everyone else's job..

Parenting is a battlefield

  I have to admit that last night was one of those brutal nights, and no not because of the time change, I'm pretty sure that will be tonight's fun adventure.  Lily kept waking up every other hour for no apparent reason, so I'm going to assume it was just to annoy me because really at this age they are still like Tamagotchis and I did the feed, change, hug routine.  At 5am Dave went to deal with her, as I had already been up multiple times and decided that the best plan at the moment was to play dead.  After 10 minutes I realized that it was quiet and Dave hadn't returned.  I got up to check on him to make sure Lily hadn't, you know, killed him and was discreetly disposing of the body.  I now know why I'm not the family favorite.  Dave was sitting there cuddling Lily in his lap looking half dead while Lily laid there looking smug and victorious.  He told me "She doesn't want to be alone".  Now usually I'm not totally immune to cuteness, but I'm fighting off a cold and Dave has to be somewhere at 8am and by looking at her there is nothing the matter.  I walk into the room like a raging battle axe shoved her a bottle and some gripe water and then tucked her in and turned off the baby monitor.  It dawns on me that I would make a wonderful war-time president.
  You see, parenting is a war with many battles, it truly is the 100 years war (I'm pretty sure if you live to see your child to be 100 you'd still be fighting them over something-probably the last pudding cup).  With this in mind I choose to run my household with an iron fist dictatorship and when the masses rebel it's time for action.  Dave is busy peacefully protesting the war like a hippie sitting around the campfire singing kumbaya and waving a "give peace a chance" sign.  Poor guy is going to get crushed, especially in an all female  household when hormone season hits.  I mean do you want to risk the chance of getting schooled by your kids or even worse turning them into HIPPIES?  Yeah you can give toddlers choices and try to use their creative spirits to nurture them but you might as well tie dye them a shirt, hand them a beanie and give them a recipe for hemp seed cookies.  I know for a fact that it is possible for some parents to be lovely-dovey and still raise kids who are not thugs or tree-huggers but given the genetic makeup of our children, I'm not going to risk it.  My sister is a vegan hipster who just started a blog about her cats, oh mom, mom mom mom-I'm glad you waited 2 years before having me, you were able to perfect your parenting game (BTW check it out http://milo-panda.tumblr.com).

Your kid deserves better than to be a hippy

  See kids are like pets, they need to know their place in the pack.  Parents need to remain the alpha dogs.  I've seen what Dave has done to the cat.  The cat tries to dominate us now because Dave has shown weakness and love.  I've tried reading parenting books and they are perfectly acceptable-that is if you don't mind a two year old making all of your major life decisions.  I'm sure once they are done telling you that they want juice in a red cup they can help you re-mortgage your house and hey if that doesn't work I'm sure there's a hippy commune you can go live at.  I agree-the first 5 years are critical in a kid's life.  They are going to test every single boundary you attempt to put up.  Don't get me wrong I believe in free choice-my rules or you can choose to move out.
They say that kids need freedom and room in order to turn into functioning adults.  However I know given the choice Lily would just as easily eat cat food or stick her tongue in an electric socket over healthy food or playing with her baby Einstein toys.  The same goes for society, yes it sucks that "the man" gives us laws but could you imagine if we left people to their own devices?  We'd have a shortage of cat food and a lot of burnt tongues.  So go ahead, call me a dictator, a war lord but when my daughter is at the Harvard graduation ceremony-supporting her soon to be rich Harvard graduate lawyer husband and your kid is shelling seashells by the seashore we'll just see who gets the last laugh.

My special little POW