B.A.T. Meet B.A.S.

If you thought the Big ass truck (or B.A.T.) saga was over, so had I....

     As you know I traded in my last piece of dignity for my husband's B.A.T.  You'd think he'd be over the moon and happy into conning his poor wife into such a purchase that he would let her have some peace.  I just assumed that once we got the B.A.T. he would stop talking about trucks, stop looking at trucks and stop pointing at trucks asking me if I liked that one (Spoiler alert: they all look the exact same!).  Unfortunately, no, because unlike the cheese, the B.A.T. does not stand alone.  I was informed a few weeks ago that the truck wasn't functional.  Wasn't functional?! What the hell does that mean?  Did the salesman tell you that if you planted the B.A.T. it would grow into a bean stalk? I was in it the other day, it got us from point A to B while releasing enough carbon to raise the world temperature a few Celsius-seems functional enough for me.  Apparently we needed a tono cover.  "Okay, Fine" I sighed, while thinking to myself, how much is this going to cost me?  $700-so when I told him in no uncertain terms that we were not sinking more money into this vehicle I got to witness a mantrum, which is like not unlike one of Lily's tantrums minus the cute and add a healthy dose of WTF.
      I made a deal, he can buy the stupid cover if he sells his Ford Ranger first and uses that money towards it.  I knew for a fact that if I let him buy the cover first, that truck would spend the remainder of the 2010's outside our apartment.  I never saw the man spring into action so fast.  It was on Craig's list and sold within 2weeks.  Did I mention I still have pictures that I have been bugging him to hang for over a month now?  Maybe I should tell him if he hangs all the pictures or at least changes all the burnt out light bulbs in the apartment he can buy a grill for the stupid thing (seriously this place is a man cave it's so dark, on second thought when it's dark in here no one can notice the size my butt has gotten.....).
     Now that his dream is complete, and I mean it better be complete otherwise I'll be completing the action of my foot into his groin, it's time to look at my main vehicle-a new stroller.  At first I was acting all sensible and looking at buying second hand until I realized, if my husband gets his dream truck, I should be getting my dream stroller.  If he gets a Big Ass Truck, I want a Big Ass Stroller (or B.A.S.).  You'd think there would be no debate, however he balked at the $500 asking price (did I mention it's still cheaper than a tono cover).  He wants to get the "thrifty model" because it's not that big of a deal, you don't need all the bells and whistles-Seriously? I'd like to see an all female jury convict me if I actually executed the thoughts going through my head at that moment.  I should have told him that if he bought me that model and I'll be removing the wheels off his truck (cuts down on gas mileage honey!!).  You see the man doesn't understand that I need a reliable stroller, especially since I do not have a car and he works nights.  I'm usually the one with deep pockets and short arms but I know that I use my BOB 1-2hours a day so going cheap is not an option.  For him the stroller is a novel thing he enjoys lugging in and out of the trunk and pushing around the mall once in a while.  For me, a stroller is my work truck and making me go cheap would be like him having to use an Yaris for work and side jobs.
    So anyways I'm looking at the Phil and Ted stroller and it is a B.A.S.  It's not as much as a beast as the BOB but it's pretty close.  I looked at the BOB double wide very briefly as a comparison point and if the Phil and Ted is the half ton Ford F150 XLT then the BOB dualie is the full ton.  Seriously I doubt it would even fit through our apartment door-see what my husband did to me?? I'm now speaking in tongues, truck tongues ACK!   I was reading the reviews and this man said that him and his wife were having a "minor miscommunication" and ended up backing over the folded up stroller with their car, and the stroller still worked after, I bet it broke the axles off their puny city car in the process.  Anyways like any work truck the stroller isn't functional without the accessories.  I need to sink in at least $200 on accessories to make the thing functional and a rain cover? is my tono cover.  So hunny, write me a check for $700 because mama needs a new big rig!  I need a stroller that I can use as a battering ram to move the elderly and the teenaged out of my way.  I need a basket that can carry a few 26ers.  When I go down the sidewalk, pedestrians better know to get out of my way because between them and the B.A.S., the B.A.S. will win.  When I cram that thing on the bus and take up an entire aisle and seat section, people should give me the side eye but dare not groan.  People should look at my B.A.S. and have no doubt, I rule the sidewalks and I am their queen! 
    But seriously I spent at least 30minutes laughing at the Phil and Ted website.  They are all so city looking and trendy, they're all wearing heels and parading around the boulevard.  They are having champagne lunches and their kids look oh so very happy and well behaved (they would never think about having a BM during dinner).  Except the thrifty model photos-the kid in that picture is wearing crocs and their slogan is "you could divide the two ply or reuse your tea bags to save money or you could buy the thrifty model" (I wish I was joking).  Yes crocs are very Maple Ridge (and VERY comfy), and two ply is a luxury (number 2's only!) and yes we do reuse our tea bags (heck I've been with the same tea bag for two years now..) but really is this what country parenting versus city parenting really is like?  Plus I'd like to point out that the thrifty model is still almost $400 and if you have that much for a stroller I highly doubt you're freaking out about your two ply rations.
In case you're wondering Dave did buy his tono cover and it wasn't $700-try $1000. Tricked again.  I am so getting the additional cup holders and colored liners on my B.A.S.

You will be mine, oh yes. You will be mine.

The kids look happy and are laughing because we just ran over your dog with our B.A.S.

The B.A.T. Saga

     The most talked about news in the McRoberts' household is the new arrival.  No, I'm not talking about baby #3, I'm talking about us getting a big ass truck-For the rest of the blog I will refer to it as B.A.T just to keep things relatively PC.  For all the men who read this blog, the exact kind of B.A.T is a 2005 Ford F-150 XLT Supercab.  Dave has just informed me that XL does not stand for extra large but is the model name (could have fooled me!).  Please don't ask me what any of the other stuff in the name means.   As you have read in a previous blog, I am a bit partial to *ahem*, hating it.  Why? because I can NOT drive the thing and also I also don't believe in using a 5600lbs truck to haul around my 130lbs body.  Wait, wait, that sounds a bit hippish Kali, have you switched sides? Never.  I just think about the goldfish effect where a goldfish will grow to whatever size bowl it lives in.  I do not need an XLT butt thankyouverymuch. Plus I always laugh when really small people drive huge cars, it just looks weird-who takes you seriously when you're sitting on phone books.  Then again, I'm in a B.A.T., I can just get back in and run you down if you cross me.

Our B.A.T-Even after backing up I still couldn't get the whole truck

      Anyways today I did something I swore up and down I would never attempt-I drove it.  Yes, you see spite is apparently stronger than the fear of dying in a fiery crash.  If I can get it out of the parkade, down the street and park it, pretending I'm taking it for a drive for the day, I will consider myself successful.  If Dave gets it all week and makes me bus then he can bus during the weekend.  Plus Dave suggested that I try, he promises me that I will enjoy driving a truck.  Little does he know it is way more enjoyable to be bitter about us selling our car to get his dream B.A.T.
   Before going out I made sure to comb my hair nicely, put on a clean top and add a coat of mascara.  When there is a chance of getting your mugshot taken, it is always recommended to look your best.  If Lily or the other kid become famous or even president and the media digs around and finds my mugshot, I do not want the world to see me with flat messy hair and dull eyes.  A mugshot mention is my last shot at being famous and on T.V.  at this point in my life.

I have to lean forward to see over the dash...oh god, please don't let that thump be our neighbor

I decided that I would drive the truck out of the parkade and to Canadian Tire which is a 5minute drive away and roughly $30 in gas.  We had to get a wire cover for our internet cord that runs between the two computers since Lily has now gotten into the habit of wrapping it around her neck.  Seems simple. But full of challenges:

• Challenge 1 Get comfy: Reach the pedals without getting your stomach resting on the steering wheel.  Also make sure that the mirrors are adjusted so that you can check your makeup and hair to make sure it stays in place.
• Challenge 2 Don't knock the pillar down:  Our neighbor in the parkade is a support pillar.  Knocking down the apartment building trying to get out of my spot would be embarrassing.  For those that find yourself in a B.A.T, vear a bit away from the pillar as to not take it out with the tail or as Dave calls it the bed of the truck.  Also try not to rip any fenders off the cars parked in front of you.
• Challenge 3 Don't take out the nice looking family in the parkade heading towards a family dinner:  Even thought having a B.A.T. gives your the right-of-way in every situation, taking out a family of 4 on their way to Sunday dinner may reflect badly on your driver's abstract.
• Challenge 4 Don't show weakness: Anything in front of you is fair game (see above about right-of-way) but sometimes cars still don't clue into this rule.  When going down a one lane street and there are parked cars on both sides and a car heading towards you, play chicken.  If the car doesn't back down just drive over top of it. The B.A.T is the king of the road and like any good monarch knows, you need to maintain control and sometimes make examples of those who do not follow.
• Challenge 5: Pick a lane.  Contrary to popular belief, no matter how big your truck is, you do not get to drive down both lanes of traffic.  During our 5minute ride the most common phrase Dave yelled was "Move over".  I  have to check with ICBC to make sure if that is a hard and fast rule.  My truck just can't be contained in a two solid lines.
• Challenge 6 Park: Try to get it between the two lines if you want to be polite but really if you need more spots why not take them?  If I have a big purse, I will sit it in the seat beside me. I need that space.

Challenges accepted, completed and rocked!

I thought I parked it quite well, however Dave is walking around to fix it

  The whole time I was doing this, Dave was telling me "Not to be nervous".  Sage advice that I would have taken had he not been white knuckling the dashboard.  People tell you that driving a truck is easy.  However it is a whole different feel.  Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the power and respect that you just don't get with a Yaris and there is a part of me that loved hearing the "glug glug glug" as I motored down the road.  That being said I think I've fulfilled my truck driving quota for this month.  If I drive again I may have to invest in an Ed Hardy sweat suit (they do exist)...
  I'm still on the look out for truck bling.  Didn't see much at Canadian Tire.  I did get this Barbie paper doll toy in my Happy Meal today which Lily would have just eaten given her love for paper.  I found the perfect use for it-a nice dashboard decal.  Kinda gets the manly feel out of the truck.  Poor Dave, he grew up with all brothers and now he's in a household of all girls.  Not even his truck is safe from the pink invasion.

This might do the trick, hmm still not red neck enough, the search continues...

There we go, add a little bit of girl power with a barbie paperdoll kit from McDonalds.

Anyways now I can say I drove the truck, and nobody got hurt. Well I guess I should check the grill before I say that.  There could be a moose wedged in there and I wouldn't have noticed.

From Jetta to Truck

It finally happened. The moment we have been talking about for months had occurred. While it is the most financially mature option, I have been silently dreading it-we downsized from two vehicles to one. With my maternity leave running out this week and me at home with baby 3 coming soon, it made sense. Still I have been spoiled-for the last 10years I have always had access to a vehicle. The change makes sense, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
It would be easier to handle if my husband wasn't so darn giddy about it. He got what he wanted-a truck. Correction a big ass truck. Dave needed a truck for both his current job and side business and he had to get one where the cab could fit two carseats. We traded our nice Jetta Sedan for a truck-a XL, supersize my Ford please truck. On the plus side we will save a lot of money in monster truck tickets-if we ever feel the need to see a truck driving over smaller vehicles, we can choose not to brake during rush hour traffic. We are now truck people and we live in Maple Ridge. We just ran over and killed whatever was left of City Kali. I am now officially a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy's "You know you're a redneck" comedy bit is no longer a joke, it's my morning checklist when I get ready. We now just need those fake balls that hang from the hitch and a bumper sticker that reads "keep honking I'm reloading" and my transformation is complete....ooooh and maybe a gun rack-I wonder if Disney Princesses make one.

This is our truck pulled from Google. Ours isn't red or have a grill but it is parked in the underground garage like above

I hate this truck.

The reason why I hate the truck so much is that I cannot drive it. I could barley drive and the Jetta. This thing is massive, in fact, even I could manage to park the Jetta into its crew cab and that is saying a lot since I usually have to close one eye to get the proper depth perception to park. I would have to borrow Lily's booster seat just to see over the steering wheel. The salesman at the dealership told me it is easier to drive a truck than a car...of course it is, with a truck you can just drive over top of everything. You don't have to worry about damaging your paint job on pillars when you can just plow them over. Trouble staying in your lane? No worries, this truck easily takes up both of them and defies anyone who begs to differ.

There is no way I would get behind the wheel of this thing. We only have 1 million liability with our car insurance, I can easily use that up just taking a trip to the corner store. So basically I am now without a car to drive, which means I have to bus or have my husband ferry me around. Now many people know that I do not drive often, maybe once or twice a week if that. However it is nice to have the option especially since I am almost 8months pregnant and after that will have two kids. It is also nice to not step out of your truck and have the world assume you're a jerk because you accidentally parked over its poodle. Just saying.

Opps I didn't damage your paint job did I? Maybe we should swap info, this is my first time driving a truck, didn't see you there..

I hate our new truck.

We were driving from the dealership today and I looked over to the gas gauge. It was on borderline empty. I laughed and told Dave sarcastically "it was nice of them to fill it up for us". Dave informed me that they had just put $30 in it for us. Our carbon footprint now rivals Bigfoot's or Khole Kardashin's foot in size. Driving home from the dealership on commercial drive I could hear the hippies shaking their heads in judgement-so I guess the whole day wasn't a bust if I annoyed some hippies. While I am not a tree hugger, I do worry about my paper consumption.... in my wallet and how much of it I'll need to spend to just keeping this thing on the road.

I'm sorry did my carbon foot print step on your smartcar?

So apparently this is my husband's idea of downgrading. Next time he tells me we have to downgrade our apartment I'll be planning on moving into a 5bedroom mansion. Not to mention we currently have 2 vehicles still since we have yet to sell his Ford Ranger so for at least a month we will be paying MORE money than before. Yes you read that correctly. We are not just one truck people we are two truck people. Vroom Vroom, eat carbon Greenpeace.

Honey I'm home! Hope you don't mind I parked our truck on the street

*Images taken from google- Please note that I read the website writting that accompanied the pictures to make sure no one died from them*