Getting in Shape

   Two things happened in the past few years:  I had kids and I entered my late twenties.  I honestly can't tell you which one was harder on my body.  Little fetuses are like those uninvited house party guests: they make themselves comfortable, trash the place and usually have to be forcefully evicted .  And age?  Well age just doesn't let your body bounce back as much.  Sure I'm back to my pre-pregnancy body weight, however my body is not anywhere near the same: maybe it is.... just everything is an inch lower.
   Anyways I promised myself 3 years ago after Elijah that I would get back into shape..then I got pregnant.  After Lily I promised I would get back into shape....then I got pregnant.  Now that Joe is here and we honestly couldn't fit another baby in the apartment (unless it was to become patio baby) I am finally holding myself to this promise.  I will get into shape!  For the first few months after I had Joe I wore all black.  People asked me who died?  I told them black is slimming but if you wanted to be technical I was mourning my pre-baby body.  Yes you can lose the weight, however those jeans in your closet from when you were 18 will still look like sausage casing plus it will force body parts in different places they shouldn't be making you look like a Picasso.  And can I just comment about the fashion this year?  Seems like all the material either is sheer, thin or contains my mortal enemy: spandex.  Oh yes the new jersey material dresses are comfortable but if I have to wear a spanx turtle neck just so you don't see my belly button outline it sort of defeats the purpose.  And skinny low-rise jeans being the latest trend? Perfect! because I dont have enough to worry about.  Now I have to worry about bending over at strong start and projectile launching my jean's button and taking out someone's eye or splitting my jeans answering the question where babies come from.
   So I started running.  Why running? It's a weird activity for me when you consider that I do not have the grace and speed of a gazelle but rather one of an elephant.  Well it all comes down to two factors:  time and money.  You see gyms cost money (today's shocker...Tomorrow's: the sky is blue!), and most look down when you attempt to use the treadmill while eating a hamburger.  Also by the time you drive (or bus) to the gym, get changed, get the latest gossip on who's butt looks bigger and get in your 60minutes of cardio, you're looking at almost 2hours!  Plus in Maple Ridge there appears to be a dress code at the gym.  People actually look well put together with makeup and shorts without holes in the crotch (what? my thighs rub together when I run).  With running, as soon as you leave the house, you're working out and you can stop by your closest McDonald's on the way home. Plus 20minutes in my run when my face is purple and my breath resembles a death rattle, I don't have to worry about someone attempting CPR or calling an ambulance.  I end up running at night because that's when Dave is home and it usually starts to get dark.  A few days ago I got stuck behind another jogger that was slightly faster then I was.  I felt like a totally creepator since I was trailing behind her panting heavily (what? I was out of breath).  She however, probably set a new personal run time record trying to get away from me.  I must admit, I am enjoying running.  Maybe it's because it's an hour away from the kids and I can enjoy my music and my thoughts without worrying about what electrical outlet Lily is trying to stick her fingers in.  Plus I am starting to see some results.  I can run about 10km in almost under an hour, while it may seem unimpressive for most, I am actually quite proud.  As for my body?  I still have to decide whether to roll my stomach into either my shorts or my bra but I'm hoping that eventually I'll see a difference in my appearance.  Dave and I did the Terry Fox run together two weeks ago.  For those who know me, know that I do not enjoy running with my husband.  It is because he always looks way too happy and smug, plus he is naturally athletic which means while I've been training for weeks, he gets off the couch for an afternoon and still runs circles around me.  However, running with him hasn't been too bad ever since I installed a non-douchebag clause in our marriage agreement.  This was inspired by last years event where we were running and he started running backwards exclaiming "look! I can run faster then you both forwards and backwards".  In his defense he was flirting, in my defense, if I had pushed him into traffic, no female jury would convict me.  This saturday I have my first trail run which I'm dreading.  My super healthy vegan sister decided that for her birthday we should do that instead of doing the normal activity of double fisting cake and cookies.  We won't be doing it if it is raining and believe me, I've never prayed so hard for rain before in my life!.
  I have also been walking or as I also call it "something I have to do to get places because my husband sold my car for a big ass truck".  Walking is an incredible workout, especially considering right now I'm pushing roughly 77lbs : 25lbs Lily, 12 lbs Joe, 5lbs diaper bag, 5lbs carseat and 30lbs stroller.  The only downside is the whine factor.  Lily has gotten to that age where she has formed an opinion on what she wants to do and Joe, well Joe is only happy when he's being held.  So during my walk I'm usually serenaded by wails of Joe and Lily screaming "I CAN WALK".  Plus I've had to adjust all my walk routes to avoid parks, because that just sends Lily into overdrive.  Lily has also mastered how to escape her 5 point harness prison so she's usually trying to lean out of the stroller or her newest thing: jam her fingers into the spokes of the tire in an attempt to stop our convoy. The solution I've found is to wear headphones to tune them out.  I also arm myself with "shut up snacks": little treats that I can dish out to keep Lily occupied.
  A few months ago I was lifting weight on our personal balcony gym, yes we created a red neck gym on our patio.  I haven't done it lately because I discovered a whole host of shows on our PVR. Actually maybe I should start again, otherwise I may have to go out there and dust everything.....
  Anyways back to the grind.  Busy day at the office today: Joe pooped twice and Lily has just handed me a handfull of all our childproof locks and plugs.

Meatless Mondays and the search for healthy eating

   "No more with the frozen pizza".  These were words I uttered earlier this week.  I had reached my breaking limit, this was the third meal in a row.
    Back when we had a disposable income, we disposed most of it at Pango Pizza.  We ate pizza maybe 2 times a week.  I'm pretty sure the delivery driver thought we were housing the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" with the amount of pizza we bought.  When we cleaned up our financial act, we no longer could blow $48 an order on pizza eating contests so we switched over to frozen pizza.  At first I resisted, and very slowly, two then four ended up in our cart.  If it went on sale-even more. Sure I'd tell myself, only for rainy days.  Truth be told, it rains a lot in Vancouver.  A pizza has an average lifespan of an afternoon in our apartment.  If you put a gazelle in the lion's cage at the zoo it would have a better chance of surviving.  This week "Wild Mikes" went on sale at Save-On-Foods for half the price and I filled my cart up thinking, this will be perfect for when I don't feel like cooking.  Truth be told I don't feel like cooking as often as it rains in Vancouver...a lot. 
     Some may say pizza can be healthy, after all didn't American school systems rule pizza as a vegetable since it had 2tbles of tomato sauce on it?  Well when you live with a man like my husband the simple answer is no.  This isn't when you go out with your girlfriends and "order the thin crust with tons of vegetables then eat only two slices because you don't want to be judged on your gluttony", this is "the thick crust tons of pepperoni and cheese and why are we kidding ourselves? just cut the entire pizza into 2 slices so I don't have to get up more than once".  We always kid ourselves that we will have left overs for lunch, but it's amazingly simple to down an entire pizza.
     They say when you go into a long term relationship you gain weight.  Studies have shown that you are more comfortable with yourself, relax a bit at the gym and generally ditch the salad for steak.  We didn't need studies for that, I could have told you that living with a man and gaining weight is as sure of a correlation as the distance to the closest Tim Hortons and the circumference of my ass.  Since I've been married I've gained 80lbs(in all fairness that involves 3 pregnancies), and my eating habits are way different.  Also when you don't have to troll the clubs, the hot pants go to the back of the closet as well as your self dignity.  I'll take my sweat pants any day, plus didn't Flo Rider sing about "baggy sweat pants and reboks with the straps" as being sexy?  I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I still had a waist line, my relationship isn't helping it....
      You see I've tried to get our family to eat healthy, and when I had gestational diabetes with Lily, I was fairly successful.  When you've seen the disease in action it tends to scare you straight into the vegetable aisle.  Now that my pancreas has a clean bill of health I'm right back to the sugar aisle and making up for lost time (with a vengeance).  If you cut me open you'd find that I'm full of sugar and spice and everything nice.  I once tried to set up "Meatless Mondays" a few months ago but the gnashing of teeth and potential mutiny quickly killed the idea, plus we don't want to give Lily the impression that being vegan is cool.  We also started doing meal plans so that we would resist the temptation to use processed foods, but with Dave on nights it has been a challenge-it's hard to cook for yourself.  Plus we get kicked out of the apartment during the day so he can sleep since Lily is a bit...shreiky.  Don't even get me started on going organic.  We could if we could also settle for living in a van by the river....I mean 4.99 for a pound of organic apples (compared to 1.99 is a bit extreme), plus I find comfort in knowing that if I fart the pesticides in my colon will kill any spiders in the nearby area.
  So what does one do when you are a VIP at McDonalds and the drive through worker recognizes you? (another story would be when I ran into the same drive through worker twice in one of her shifts, well not actually ran into her..that is yet another story..). Well that's just the question needing an answer.  I guess identifying the problem is the first step.
I will be writing more on this issue but I'm getting the look like it's time to leave so my husband can get some sleep...

Butterscotch Tears

  Well it is finally time.  Time for my gestational diabetes test.  I've been putting it off for a week now but I realise that I have to go in and get it over with soon.  When my doctor wrote me up the lab request it was like the hammer falling-*boom* playtime over. My mom tells me to be positive, maybe I WON'T have it this time around, what I don't tell her is how I had chocolate chips for breakfast, and those chocolate covered macadamia nuts?  Dave didn't eat the whole box..I did.  Truth be told, I do not need to take a test, they do not have to take a sample, I can tell them the answer they need to know.  In fact I'm pretty sure if they tried to draw blood, they would draw buttercream icing instead.  How do I know for sure? I was there for Christmas, I saw the candy carnage.  Let's just say when I exercise my sweat smells like gingerbread cookies.  Next year Santa will be sitting on MY lap telling me what HE wants for Christmas.  I am armed with a sweet tooth and ready to use it.
  The worst thing about gestational diabetes is the diet.  First of all the fridge is my siren and pantry is the jagged rocks I crash on.  I enjoy eating, its sorta my hobby.  Not only this but the diabetic diet makes no sense.  I have been on many diets in my lifetime and most focus on calories in, calories out and eat less and exercise more and you'll lose weight.  The diabetic diet is all about carbs and sugar and you know what? Everything has carbs and sugar and sometimes the go-to-healthy foods have the most in it!  I can put butter on my whole plate of pork chops and be fine but heaven forbid I have a whole banana or more then 12 grapes.
  The second issue is that I live with a man, my husband.  Like most men he will revolt if there is nothing but healthy "diet" food in the house.  The problem is that he brings it home, puts it in his designated candy dish and promptly forgets about it.  Unfortunately I have a photographic memory when it comes to sweets and I remember every little shred of junk food that is in that dish and very slowly I start eating it.  After Christmas was done I had to put our candy dish in front of him and make him finish it after my pants attempted to garrote me.  Dave doesn't understand why a mars bar and I cannot co-exist in the same house but that would be like putting a lion and a zebra in a 900 square foot apartment and tell them to behave-not going to happen.
   I could go into the other downsides of gestational diabetes like jabbing yourself with needles but really if I could choose between chocolate and needles? Jab away! So wish me luck, if I do test positive again I will guarantee that I will cry sweet butterscotch tears of sorrow but on the flip side body parts other then my stomach will thank me when I'm not delivering a 20lbs baby.