Car-tastrophe

  It was Saturday morning and Dave decided to wake up before me and let Lily out of her cage-by that I mean I slowly kept rolling over until I pushed him off the bed.  Regularly, most mornings involve a disgruntled me releasing Lily to attack a peacefully sleeping Dave. Dave has become desensitized to Lily's regular tricks which involve bum drops to the head, however I have recently discovered the most effective method is to ask her "where is daddy's eyes?".  This immediately prompts her to poke him in the eyes-the only things that would actually wake him up.  But this morning was different, it was me that was avoiding a pre-breakfast eye gorging.  Anyways she looks at me and utters the most feared phrase in the English language "watch cars?" followed by that toddler nod which basically lets you know that this is more of a command than a question.   

We have made a grave mistake...

     We showed my car obsessed toddler the Disney movie Cars.... Oh yes, it was oh so cute to watch her memorized-mouth open, drooling or her panic when MacQueen gets lost.  Oh yes, we had a good chuckle.  It was actually a refreshing break from a girl whose normal morning routine involves running laps, throwing her cup off the table during breakfast and then trying to jump on my back when I bend over to pick it up.  However we then realized that what all those parenting books say are true: kids love repetition.
They love viewing the same thing again and again and again....and again and once they are done they still want to watch it again.  Lesson learned: maybe it is time to actually read those books instead of using them as coasters.... 
  The adult human brain can only handle so much...yesterday we watched the movie three times.  I now have the movie's soundtrack permanently stuck in my head.  When I go to bed at night, I don't count sheep, I count mini Lightening MacQueens running laps around the track.  I have gleefully thought of over a hundred ways that I could destroy the DVD, a hundred ways to hide my crime-however I fear the repercussion which no doubt would be Lily beats.  It has gotten to the point that whenever I see a car featured from the movie in real life, I have to resist the temptation to let the air out of its tires.  At first I found the movie witty, charming and funny.  However after a week of being on a car only diet, I now find it the equivalent to medieval torture...I often wonder why these movies don't have multiple endings, like maybe 50 of them so I could at least change it up once in a while.
  While Lily is awake, no other program is acceptable.  Don't you even think about trying to watch reality TV.  Don't ask me what happened on Extreme Cougars, it's still on my PVR,  I haven't even been able to watch Liz and Dick to make fun of it (because that is totally why I recorded it..).Our usual after dinner viewing of Star Trek has been met with protests of "NO SPACESHIP".  After 30 minutes of whining and gnashing of teeth, we finally cave thinking it would be easier just to watch the movie.  However after 5 minutes we decide that Owen Wilson's voice (which use to be sexy to me) is worse-it now makes my teeth hurt...

Zoolander is now ruined forever to me.

I won't be able to watch Wedding Crashers without cringing.

I'll never be able to stand Larry the Cable Guy...oh wait, I never was able to stand that guy.

 
    I think that's worse, when you start recognizing the voices behind the animated characters.  Watch Shrek. Now tell me if you're able to take any of Eddie Murphy's movies seriously anymore...all I picture is the donkey.  Good actors out there-please stop doing voice acting gigs, us poor parents end up having to listen to you over and over again and then when we go to watch our grown up stuff there you are again...

*ahem*

Okay Lightening MacQueen someone needs to take you to the wreckers before I finally go looney and start having conversations with Dave's Big Ass Truck.
Send help or send more DVDS.
Until then zoom zoom, around in my brain Lightening will go!

Tome Raider

     So I haven't posted on my blog for almost a week.  You can blame that on two things: Cable and Lily.  First of all I keep running into marathons of brain junk food.  Stark Trek TNG, Four Weddings, Storage Wars, Parking War-I'm beating my brain into a nice gooey submission so I can drown out any individual thought (sometimes a plus when your life revolves around toddler's bowel movements and dishwasher cycles).  Right now as we speak I am watching a Police Academy movie marathon.  I'm ODing on cable because it's such a novelty at the moment.  It reminds me of that time I discovered the Fillet-o-Fish at McDonalds and loved it so much I ate 6 of them and then proceeded to puke all over the restaurant floor...true story. I'm not at the point of puking up cheesy reality TV shows but I'm getting close, well until Duck Hunters premiers-seriously how can you not resist millionaire red necks?  BTW is anyone else disturbed that A&E which stands for Arts and Entertainment and TLC-The Learning Channel only play reality shows now?  I guess I'm entertained but I certainly haven't learned anything.  The second reason for my lack of cyber participation? Lily.  She's teething again which means she's no longer sleeping through the night, which means I'm not sleeping.  Seriously have you ever wanted to know what my apartment looks like at 1AM?  Spoiler:  It looks the exact same as 2AM, 4AM, 6AM and 8AM...
     I'm a house wife, that's my job right now, and like every other job you got to sneak in a nap once in a while, especially when the nights are a write off.  Instead of most people sleeping on the job, it isn't because I was partying and possibly hungover, the reason is a screaming toddler who can't handle two teeth.  So how do you sneak in a nap when your boss is a little tyrant who will hit you with a remote control or eat cat litter or destroy your stuff as soon as you close your eyes?  Seriously, Lily will trash the house (even thought our living room has been taken over by her toys) and right now I'm at the point where I'm sacrificing my stuff to get a few minutes of sleep.  So what is the latest causality this time around?  My books.  Yes I own books.  Before my breeder days I was somewhat educated.  Yes I was a university student who knew everything-but back in our day the only occupy movement we had was occupy the pub.  My books are my last evidence of my degree.  I have since forgotten every single thing I learned.  I majored in Archaeology but at the moment I don't think I can even spell Archeology without the help of spell check.  Seriously if it wasn't for spell check I wouldn't know that learnt isn't grammatically correct.  When I first moved in my books were a source of pride and resistance.  Our place was already set up and filled with Dave's stuff (read: crap) and there was nothing that spoke of my personality in sight.  I decided I wanted the bookcase with my books as a way to make my mark without, you know, peeing all over the place.   
  Lily has a fascination for books.  Please note that I said fascination not respect-she mostly likes turning the pages and teething on them.  In Lily's world books are good for eating and throwing at the cat.  She also has a fascination with the book shelf and will often pull my books down and inspect them ignoring all her baby friendly cardboard page books of her own.  I don't blame her, have you read those Baby Einstein books?  They're not so much as story books as adjectives describing nouns.  I doubt they really make your kids smarter, they just make them more annoying because it takes them 10mins to describe the color orange.  Besides, why do we want our kids to be like Einstein? He was a bit of a weirdo who just happened to work at a patent office.  If we want our kids to be successful this day and age we just need to make sure they can sing to autotune and we can afford them a nose and boob job.  I'm holding up for a "Baby Kardashin" book series..but that's a rant for another day....
  Anyways I was so desperate for 5minutes of sleep, I just wanted to lay down and close my eyes.  Lily, who soon become tired of pelting me with "Little People" figurines decided to inspect the bookcase.  Grateful for some peace, I let Lily gleefully rip the pages out of my academic books.  Just like her viking forefathers who burned down the Roman Libraries setting civilization back 300years, Lily was destroying my own personal library of knowledge.  She pulled book after book out in a state of carnage that would make any book burning/destroying movement proud.  As I slept Archaeology Methods because Anarchy Methods,  Jane Eyre became Jane Error,  Primates in Nature became Primarily in Slobber and Human Pathology became.....well scrap paper.  When I finally decided to scope out the damage, our bedroom was scattered with books, they never had a chance against hurricane Lily.
  I ended up taking half of my books to the Salvation Army or recycling because at this point in my life I can't really see myself needed Archaeology Methods, of course it maybe good at examining the fossilized food I dig up under Lily's highchair.  Plus Lily has given them such a beating that even if I wanted to read them, I would have to madd libb them since so many pages are missing.  So not only are my books at the mercy of a toddler with no respect for the written word but some hobo is probably using my Charlotte Bronte collection as toilet paper.
  I need to find another way of dealing with my Tome Raider before all my archaeology books become lost arks... Some people say put them a shelf higher but I think child services would frown if my kid was flattened like a pancake by a text book.

Lily's Temple of Doom: We just shove everything she pulls out back onto the shelves, it's becoming quite a hazard...

Our own little paper shredder.

Parenting is a battlefield

  I have to admit that last night was one of those brutal nights, and no not because of the time change, I'm pretty sure that will be tonight's fun adventure.  Lily kept waking up every other hour for no apparent reason, so I'm going to assume it was just to annoy me because really at this age they are still like Tamagotchis and I did the feed, change, hug routine.  At 5am Dave went to deal with her, as I had already been up multiple times and decided that the best plan at the moment was to play dead.  After 10 minutes I realized that it was quiet and Dave hadn't returned.  I got up to check on him to make sure Lily hadn't, you know, killed him and was discreetly disposing of the body.  I now know why I'm not the family favorite.  Dave was sitting there cuddling Lily in his lap looking half dead while Lily laid there looking smug and victorious.  He told me "She doesn't want to be alone".  Now usually I'm not totally immune to cuteness, but I'm fighting off a cold and Dave has to be somewhere at 8am and by looking at her there is nothing the matter.  I walk into the room like a raging battle axe shoved her a bottle and some gripe water and then tucked her in and turned off the baby monitor.  It dawns on me that I would make a wonderful war-time president.
  You see, parenting is a war with many battles, it truly is the 100 years war (I'm pretty sure if you live to see your child to be 100 you'd still be fighting them over something-probably the last pudding cup).  With this in mind I choose to run my household with an iron fist dictatorship and when the masses rebel it's time for action.  Dave is busy peacefully protesting the war like a hippie sitting around the campfire singing kumbaya and waving a "give peace a chance" sign.  Poor guy is going to get crushed, especially in an all female  household when hormone season hits.  I mean do you want to risk the chance of getting schooled by your kids or even worse turning them into HIPPIES?  Yeah you can give toddlers choices and try to use their creative spirits to nurture them but you might as well tie dye them a shirt, hand them a beanie and give them a recipe for hemp seed cookies.  I know for a fact that it is possible for some parents to be lovely-dovey and still raise kids who are not thugs or tree-huggers but given the genetic makeup of our children, I'm not going to risk it.  My sister is a vegan hipster who just started a blog about her cats, oh mom, mom mom mom-I'm glad you waited 2 years before having me, you were able to perfect your parenting game (BTW check it out http://milo-panda.tumblr.com).

Your kid deserves better than to be a hippy

  See kids are like pets, they need to know their place in the pack.  Parents need to remain the alpha dogs.  I've seen what Dave has done to the cat.  The cat tries to dominate us now because Dave has shown weakness and love.  I've tried reading parenting books and they are perfectly acceptable-that is if you don't mind a two year old making all of your major life decisions.  I'm sure once they are done telling you that they want juice in a red cup they can help you re-mortgage your house and hey if that doesn't work I'm sure there's a hippy commune you can go live at.  I agree-the first 5 years are critical in a kid's life.  They are going to test every single boundary you attempt to put up.  Don't get me wrong I believe in free choice-my rules or you can choose to move out.
They say that kids need freedom and room in order to turn into functioning adults.  However I know given the choice Lily would just as easily eat cat food or stick her tongue in an electric socket over healthy food or playing with her baby Einstein toys.  The same goes for society, yes it sucks that "the man" gives us laws but could you imagine if we left people to their own devices?  We'd have a shortage of cat food and a lot of burnt tongues.  So go ahead, call me a dictator, a war lord but when my daughter is at the Harvard graduation ceremony-supporting her soon to be rich Harvard graduate lawyer husband and your kid is shelling seashells by the seashore we'll just see who gets the last laugh.

My special little POW

It's always funny until it's your kid.....

My kid is obsessed...with remote controls.  It's her favorite toy right now.  She carries them around and plays with them more than anything else.  It was just her birthday and we were spoiled with so many toys..which she plays with but she still incorporates in the remote controls of course.  It's always cute and funny when it's someone else's kid.  When it's your kid you start to worry...will my kid be the weird one in her class?  I'm going to see if this is a phase, if not I may have to take her to remote control detox....Not only is it slightly embarrassing but it also means that we have no idea where the remote controls are half the time.  We've reverted back to getting up to change the channel like cavemen.

Don't believe me...

See:

Exhibit A:
Lily started walking while pushing her toy baby stroller.  Pretty impressive right?  If you don't have kids you're probably thinking "no I walk around all day and nobody writes a blog entry about it".  Anyways within 5mins of pushing the baby around, Lily tossed her and instead put the remotes in, you know since remotes are in need of being pushed around...now if only we can get her to bring the remotes to us....

Look ma, you don't have to worry about college after all!

At least I don't have to worry too much about her nurturing instinct, she was kind enough to give them some of her bottle.

All ready for their afternoon stroll, remotes are waterproof right?

Exhibit B:
Today Lily figured that it was time for her remotes to buckle up and get a proper education.  She packed them in her school bus.

One of those remote controls better come back a doctor...

Exhibit C:
With all the rain we've been getting lately I guess Lily was a bit worried about the safety of the remotes and the possibility of a flood.  Here is Lily packing them on her Noah's Ark toy.  You know since it's written: "and god said onto Noah pack thy ark with two of every animal and make damn sure you don't forget the remote controls"....

Well I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I was once obsessed, with sprinklers.  Yes I carried around a hard plastic turtle sprinkler when I was younger.

Lily's Birthday Party

 
     So I survived my first attempt at a birthday party.  Everything was amazing.  I'd like to take all the credit for it, but both my sister and mom follow my blog so I can't.  Seriously they worked their butts off.  Team Lily pulled off a good event this year-yes, Lily has a team of handlers to cater to her-Mom, Kirstin, Dad I'm so getting you teamster jerseys and those head band walkie talkies that the staff at Old Navy use.  I'm so thankful for my kickass family even if my mom stopped answering my many neurotic phone calls before the party.  Everything turned out despite all the worse case scenarios that played in my head last night (yes I should go get that checked).  My favorite worse case scenario involved Dave accidentally backing our big ass truck into house, what can I say? after midnight my head turns into a pumpkin.  Even my husband was able to get off work early and make it-which was good because if he missed it there would be blood and a hiatus from my blog as I finished my prison sentence.
      There were a few pregame hiccups.  Mostly I forgot that I had to make myself somewhat presentable.  I just assumed that I could wear my yoga pants (who am I kidding? I'm not from Vancouver, by yoga pants I mean sweat pants that say "Rugby" on the butt but when I walk looks like it says "Ruby"). I frantically tore apart my closet looking for something that would be a little more princessy...wait a minute, the paper bag princess was a princess-never mind, the hippies would probably have an issue with me using 20 paper bags to cover my shame.  Back to my closet:  the only items I were able to find were:

• A black long dress with slits up the sides and built in hot pants-vaguely inappropriate for a kids party.
• A bandage dress that made me look like a can of Pillsbury crescent roll dough after it has been cracked-have fun getting that image out of your head.
• The dress I wore to Elijah's funeral-not the sort of dress you want to recycle unless I have another son. I can wear it to his wedding.

Don't ask me why these items still remain in my closet.  I also found a pair of size 22 zebra print pants that fit me for two days when I was 17, I guess I'm under the illusion that one day I'll be able to squeeze myself them again.  I went for the bandage dress and in the mirror it looked okay.  After reviewing some of the pictures I realize that it highlights my "ass-plateau" perfectly (An ass-plateau as defined by Jen Lancaster's book is a roll of fat that sits on top of your butt). 
    I had a great time during the party even thought my hosting skill need a lot of improvement.  Luckily as always my mom was able to delegate.  If she wasn't there I think we would still be watching Lily open presents right now.  We also tried getting her to smash her cake but she wouldn't.  I guess she's a lady, she mostly just pointed at it which I don't understand-the kid loves to smash things.  I think everyone had a good time-if you didn't and you're reading this please don't tell me.  Lily was spoiled beyond belief, and I'm so grateful for everyone. 
  I ate myself silly with all the treats available.  I discovered the wonderful treat cake pops.  I vaguely knew they existed but I never bought them because they were $3 at Starbucks and that seemed a bit pricey for a glorified Tim Bit.  From now on, I would like all my food served to me on sticks and dipped in chocolate.  Those things are good!
  I had a lot of issue with pregnancy brain.  Maybe it was the sugar from the cake pops but mentally I was having trouble keeping it together.  Like remembering names or how to load a new memory card into our camera.  Anything technology-wise was lost on me.  My proudest moment was when I introduced my cousin to his sister and asked if they had met.  Even afterwards I was trying to figure out how to load pictures on Facebook but with little luck.  And tagging? I started tagging pictures of me as my sister.

I'm going to pass out from exhaustion or sugar crash any moment so I'm going to post a few photos and then go to bed.
PS-I'm naturally going to try out all of Lily's toys to make sure they are appropriate, yes that's my reasoning...what? Half the fun of having kids getting to play with toys again without looking weird....
Enjoy:

Birthday Girl

The food

The baby pit

Us enjoying tea

Group Shot of the baby pit

Planning a Party-Teasers

It is the eve before Lily's birthday party.  We have been planning and prepping for a few weeks now.  I know it may sound silly to go to such effort for a girl that will be too young to really understand, however our son's first birthday was a bit depressing (go figure) so I really wanted to do something special this year.  I'm getting a bit nervous-read:neurotic-about the whole thing.  I decided to post some teasers of tomorrows event.  Then tomorrow (or whenever I recover) I'll post some real pictures about the party and then I swear I'll give it a rest.  Trust me, I got some blogging to do about our cat-yes steady your breathe.  Anyways here we go.....

The Cookies:  I was in charge of decorating all the cookies my mom baked.  I thought icing cookies would be simple, I was dead wrong.  Food network I owe you an apology.  After getting banished out of the kitchen and permanently off cookie duty, my mom covered our shame with sprinkles.

It's a kid's first birthday.  Like Lily knows what a castle looks like.

The Party Favors:  Keeping in my theme of choosing vaguely age-inappropriate toys,  I selected swords and wands.  As I have pointed out in a previous blog I have now realized it is not the smartest thing to jack kids full of sugar and then give them things to hit themselves with.

A grainy picture of the girl's goodie bag.

Arts and Crafts:  Somewhere, somehow down the line someone thought I was crafty.  I am crafty but not in the "create works of art" kind of way.  I'm more crafty in the "talk your way out of this one now Kali" kind of way.  However I did construct a welcome sign, the secret? glitter glue.  It's the sprinkles of the arts and crafts world (see above about sprinkles and decorating cookies).  I was actually semi-proud of my job until my sister asked tonight "what the hell is that? wrapping paper?".

I have also posted pictures of the invitation in a previous blog.  It was really just me applying stickers.  Apparently they were starting to peel by the time they reached their destination.  I blame Canada Post.

The Decor: We never got around to actually doing the decor because we ended up spending most of our time trying to make the cake pops.  Whatever my mom and sister come up with I'm sure will be amazing *wink wink*.  Which brings us to the.....

The Cake Pops: We attempted to try to do cake pops.  Way harder to do then one would think.  They are basically cake mixed with icing, rolled into a ball and then dipped with chocolate.  If you're really talented they can be quite elaborate.  We decided not to push our luck.  They ended up taking hours to do and hours for my mom to fix.  On a side note, Timbits dipped with chocolate can make the same effect...that's the Maple Ridge way of doing things....

Melted chocolate tends to run.  Problem solving test#1:Figure out how to keep the chocolate on the pop and not on the table or hands

The tops went all flat.  I say it's to celebrate the fact that Lily's head is also flat.  Not everything has to be perfectly round.

Once again my mom saves the day-add a little icing and the flat tops are now flowers.

The dress:  After I used Lily's princess dress for her one year old photo shoot, I decided we couldn't have her parade around in the dress a second time, like a hobo.  So my mom bought her an actual Cinderella dress.  It says Cinderella on the tag.

Can't wait to see what it looks like on her.

The Thank you cards: Thank you cards use to be such a strenuous task.  It wasn't that I'm not thankful, they just seemed exhausting to do and took forever to complete.  It wasn't until Lily's baby shower that I realized the secret: Leave the husband out of it.  For my wedding, I made my husband help choose the template and photo (which involved us going back and forth on templates and phrases until it was perfect), making him help with what to write (I swear Lily has a longer attention span, plus I had to tell him what seems funny in your head may be lost in translation without the tone and just come off as insulting on paper) and trying to get him to chase down addresses (so the finished cards would sit on my nightstand for months).  After Lily's baby shower I picked the card and phrasing myself, ordered the prints and sent them off. I was done in a day or two.  Anyways since Dave went straight to bed I decided to work on them tonight.  I have just finished designing my cards and just need to order them. 

Wish me luck tomorrow!

My Baby is One Today

Today is Lily's First birthday.  She is no longer an infant but a toddler.
     Despite all our best efforts-dropping her, accidentally dislocating her arm, feeding her honey and peanuts- she has made it to one.  I remember when we first brought her home.  We had no clue what we were doing.  The best the government of Canada could do education-wise was give us a book entitled "Baby's Best Chance" (how encouraging) before sending us on our way.  Seriously, they'll fail me three times for my learner's permit for driving but they don't even quiz me on a few basic parenting issues?  BTW that book makes an excellent paperweight, I so didn't read it, maybe next kid....The problem with kids is as soon as you master one thing they enter a new phase making your old skill set completely useless.  Like you finally learn which way the diaper goes (sticky tabs at the back) and next thing you know you have to potty train them.  You finally get them to take a bottle and BAM if you're not cup feeding them you're rotting their teeth out of their head.  The way I see it, the first two years are a freebie-your kid won't remember it so they won't rat you out to their therapist.  After 2 you pretty much have to clean up your act, otherwise she's dating bikers-or worse-a hipster vegan (I still don't know what you did to Kirstin mom...).
  We had a pretty quiet day today, spent it with my family.  We're having a party on Saturday so there was no real need to get all crazy today.  Since we just had Christmas, Lily got the best toys the clearance bins offered.  But seriously, she still doesn't really understand what a present is and half the time the magic is just the box it comes in.  I fear the day once she starts knowing what she actually wants and has expectations.  I wrapped her present with extra care, since I know presentation is everything:

How I wrapped her present:  She doesn't know the difference.  Plus the Santa sort of looks like mommy at the moment.

We bought her fridge magnets, not just any fridge magnets but educational ones.  They cost me $20 and already I want to throw them in the trash.  It's the one where you are suppose to mix and match pictures of vehicles and it plays music.  Besides being incredibly annoying, the thing has an attitude.  Seriously, it's the most obnoxious and condescending toy I've encountered yet.  If you incorrectly match a car with a plane, it will go "a car-plane??" like you just told it you saw a two butted unicorn or told it you don't believe in the internet.  It'll then tell you you're silly and play a tune mocking you about how a car train would never run correctly if one existed.  Like try again dumb ass.  I'm sorry I didn't raise a Mensa baby leapfrog. Maybe by the time she's 16 a car-plane will exist!  Also right on the box it says be careful not to drop the unit.  What's the first thing Lily does? Monster Lily smash on floor!!  Chances are this thing will be broken in a few days anyways.

A car-train?  You can shine it up, but so you know, a car train-it won't go.  Leap frog fridge magnets is very disappointed in you Lily.

 I also bought her a rocking horse, just a $14 simple one.  It plays no music which makes me happy.  I'm pretty sure however she will find a way to propel herself off it and into the piano so she'll have a nice shiner on Saturday.  We also had a bit of a dress up day-well that's my "fun" name for getting rid of stuff.  Since she's a year old it was time to go through her clothes and toys.  I have a "bring something in the house, take something out" policy so we don't end up on TLC hoarders.  So I spent the day strutting Lily on the catwalk seeing what fit and what didn't, hello TLC toddlers and tiaras!  She has already mastered looking in the mirror and kissing her reflection.  I ended up picking out a fun little tutu outfit for tonight and as I was leaving the apartment a lady asked me if Lily was starting to pick out her own clothes.  I said no and she then quickly added she looked nice. Ouch. Fail.

My mommy dresses me like an 80's informercial...and I get blamed for this mess!

My parents bought Lily an ice cream cake, it was her first time trying chocolate.  I enjoyed watching her shovel in a big piece of cake and then shudder and screech when she got brain freeze, again and again.  I should have brought her fridge magnet toy-it would probably have a song to mock her about that.
        Anyways as usual, Lily got spoiled and we had a great day.  Tomorrow we will be doing the final prep work for Lily's big party on Saturday.  

Show me your teeth

       I haven't blogged in a few days.  That's because there are two little things that are ruining my life-TEETH.  Yes, my life has been turned upside down because of teeth.  I don't remember this from when I was a baby but apparently getting teeth is a big deal and everyone MUST suffer.  I've been so tired that by the end of the day I'm passed out before I can even think of something snarky to comment about (a very rare occurrence).
        I only thought teeth were a problem once you got to be my age.  I mean I can't walk into the dentist office without some sort of issue.  The DENTIST loves me, I've put at least 2 of his kids through expensive med school.  My husband is the exact same, I swear that man chews on gravel the way his teeth break.  I just remember when I was younger the dentist was fun, you sat down, he counted your teeth and you got a toy, it was wonderful.  Now I hate the dentist because you sit down, he drills your teeth and then he counts the stack of money you hand him for the pleasure.  So in theory I don't see why Lily is so temperamental.  I mean come talk to me after you get your first root canal done kid. 
          Anyways getting a new tooth must feel like a root canal the way Lily acts.  It's been like the all-shrieking-telethon the last 3 days.  She wakes up shrieking only to finally go to bed shrieking.  I don't mean screaming, I mean shrieking-a high pitched war cry, a "the lady in 405 is beating me" cry, a "I stuck my hand in the garbage disposal" cry.  At about 9 I'm ready to throw the kid out the window. At 10 I'm about ready to throw myself out the window, and I'm talking about AM by the way.  She's so temperamental, everything upsets her-can't reach her toy, served beef instead of chicken, wrong stuffy, all reasons to go on her hit list.  I think what's even worse than the shrieking is when she's dead quiet...and stares.  Like she knows its your fault her gums hurt and she's debating what she's going to do to you to get even.  Toddlers scare me at the best of time (something about their big heads, small bodies) but a teething toddler...stuff nightmares are made of.  She's also destroying our furniture.  Our IKEA best all have teeth marks on it-I guess particle board is no match for a toddler.  I just wish she's work her way around the coffee table evenly, so the bite marks just look like ridging and part of the design.  She's chewing through all her cardboard books as well, and paper, the kid loves eating paper.  We were at the bank signing papers for our loan renewal-see the blog about the big ass truck my husband conned me into getting-and Lily crawled into the bankers recycling bin and started shredding paper with her teeth.  Hey that gives me an idea, my shredder has been busted for a few months now....Before you ask we have "Sophie the Giraffe" (expensive French doggy chew toy) and the teething rings that go in the fridge (used more as a projectile weapon).  The only thing that has helped so far is Tylenol, it helps me sleep through the shrieking just fine....
      I think what bugs me most is we go through all this annoyance for something that is just going to fall out in a few years anyways.  Screw the tooth fairy, I'm not giving any tooth up, I had to whether sleepless nights and screech filled days for those teeth to pop up, I'm keeping them.  Heck, Lily should pay me money for every tooth she loses.  I got a quarter when I was younger, with inflation the going rate must be at least a twoonie by now.

We bought a convertible bed because we thought we'd be saving money by only buying her one bed that would last her until she moved out.  We didn't take into account that she would gnaw through it....

Kill BOB (the stroller that is)

    I did it, it's finally happening-we are selling our BOB stroller.  With Baby #3 on its way, it is time to start thinking about buying a double stroller.  For the past year,  I have been completely dependent on my BOB stroller to get me places.  One blog entry would not be enough to outline my disdain for this stroller.
        We bought the BOB during the first few months of marriage.  It was back in our googly eyed days where we actually respected each others opinions.  We got the BOB because my husband thought it was cool.  Ladies, please let me give you a piece of advice-never let a man pick out a stroller.  They will pick one that is sleek, sexy and boasts to be the top of the line.  However chances are slim that they will actually use the stroller on a regular basis and will leave you cursing their name.  As with most things in life, sometimes the coolest, sexiest things in life are also the things with the most issues. 
That is the problem with BOB, it sucks you in with its coolness, in theory it has everything a trendy mom would want.  It has the image of a healthy fit Vancouverite with a well behaved happy baby in tow.  In the first week of actually using it, I quickly discovered its flaws.  I found this facebook entry:

"Dear BOB Stroller:  You are the bane of my existence.  I cannot wait to sell you for beer money or even better-throw gas and a lit match at you and laugh insanely as I watch you burn to your ill designed frame.  Seriously you may have convinced the whole world you are a wonderful stroller but I am onto you."

Obviously I wrote this on a good day of using it.  First of all I called it "dear".  Second of all I would never light it on fire, it was forged in stroller hell, fire wouldn't scratch it.  Lastly, anyone with any knowledge of strollers wouldn't give you enough money for it to be able to buy beer.
Why would I hate this stroller so much? Let me just compile a brief list:

1. The suspension is too bouncy: It creates a real mosh pit feel, the exact thing you want your child with no neck control to experience.
2. It's a beast:  It's like using a semi trailer to transport an egg.  It will not fit down any grocery aisle without knocking things off the shelf.  Multiple times at Winners it has pulled an entire rack of clothing down.
3. Has a tenancy to randomly tip or flip over if any sort of weight is applied the wrong way.  It would be better suited as a catapult.  My mom rested Lily on the handle bar for a moment and the whole thing flipped.  Luckily my mom caught Lily upside down by the diaper.
4. Will roll if left for a moment.  Prefers to roll backwards into the middle of the nearest and busiest street.
5. Its hammock style seat is perfect for molding young spines into a desirable Quasimodo hunchback.
6. It has no storage space, I can't fit even a jug of milk or a couple of 26ers.
7. The beverage holder is fabric.  Combine this with the bouncy suspension and coffee drips out of your Tim Hortons drink and onto your child's head.
8. The rain cover requires an advance engineering degree in order to figure out how to apply correctly.  If you're just an arts major like me there is always a gap that will funnel water directly on your child's head.

Alternatively this stroller would be better to be used as towel rack to dry clothes.        However I guess it is not all that bad.  The stroller is pretty good at hitting teenagers that are in your way or giving old ladies who are walking too slowly a gentle push.  It is also very easy to push with one hand while eating a giant subway sandwich, and trust me as a pregnant women I'm always walking and eating a giant sandwich.
Anyways I will be glad once the BOB is gone.  Oh, BTW, if you saw my ad on Craig's List and are interested in buying it, it is a great stroller and you will be very happy with it.  $300 OBO.

Get Her to the Playgroup

Today I attempted the impossible: Leave the house before 9am. Seems pretty simple right? Not really. Children are like those Chinese finger traps-the more your pull and try to force them to do something, the more difficult they become. Just like they sense weakness and fear, they also sense urgency and react by trying to MESS YOUR CALCULATED PLANS UP.
Have you ever seen the movie "Get him to the Greek"? It's about a record company intern trying to get an unpredictable rock star to his concert in time. Of course since the rock star is unpredictable, the main character (played by Jonah Hill) spends the whole movie chasing after a star whom just does whatever he pleases without a care about the consequences. I feel for this Jonah Hill character because that is exactly what my morning felt like, except we were trying to get to a play group in time. Lily is like that rock star, she doesn't care that the play group starts at 9am and you can't reason with her and you most certainly can't slip her a Jeffery...
Every mom knows that trying to get a child anywhere in a timely matter is near impossible. The ones who say it is easy have just gotten use to it or are in denial. For a new mom, the concept of being on time becomes unrealistic-I call it the Lily time warp and it's roughly an additional 15mins on-top of whatever time I said I'll be somewhere. In 2008BC (Before Children) it was easy to get ready, all I had to do was roll out of bed, comb my hair and be out of the house in 15mins time. Even when I was pregnant it was slightly more difficult but still easy. The only reason why it was difficult was because over night it would seem like my butt would double in size and nothing would fit. Plus even thought I have been pregnant for 3 years straight, I lack a collection of maternity clothes because I always throw them out declaring "I'm never having another kid" between the month of having one and being pregnant again. I swear me throwing away my maternity clothes is a sign that I'm ovulating (who needs OPKs?).
To make things easier, here is what I deal with in the 45mins I had to get her out of the house:

• naturally Lily slept in past 8am, luckily I had the insight to set my alarm and get myself ready. On days we have nothing scheduled she wakes up at 7am.
• Put her down for two mins to prep her bottle and she dumps all her toys out on the floor then has a crying fit when I try to feed her a bottle.
• Peed herself AFTER I lifted her out of the bath but BEFORE I got a diaper on her warrenting another dunk in the tub.
• Lily decided that this morning her tights were an issue (I put tights under her jeans instead of socks because she just rips them off) and had a melt down when she couldn't remove them.
• Decided in no uncertain terms that the breakfast she has had every single morning for the last month was no good, had to scramble around to see what else I could make her.
• Puked on clean shirt
• 5mins left before I had to leave I went to put the dishes away in the dishwasher and discovered that the dishwasher hadn't been unloaded yet so me being me decided to unload it quickly. Discovered that Dave had put his dirty breakfast dishes in with the clean so had to sort that and take an additional 3mins to text him about how much he sucks.

At 9am exactly I had her in her stroller, in her rain gear about to turn off the lights and go....and...she...crapped...her...pants. Back inside the house we go...

On a side note I was trying to pick out a box of hair dye today at the grocery store and trying to decide what shade to use(so many non-grammar issues in that sentence). Naturally Lily decided at that moment to have a freak out and the louder she cried the more my thoughts shifted from "sensible brown" to "Hedi Montag Blonde" to "Goth Black" to "Miranda Hobbes aka Kool-aide red" is a GREAT color. In the end I'm not sure what color I grabbed, but if my hair looks horrid, it is so her fault.

Censoring the toys

Whenever I go to McDonalds I always get a Happy Meal for myself so that Lily can get a toy and I can spare my butt from another 600calories (okay fine I want to relive my childhood memories..ok fine I still like getting toys with my food). Usually I can rely on McDonalds in giving me the appropriate gender role toy-one time I did get some dumb dinosaur, which was apparently a "My Little Pony"...My Little Pony my ass. Today I got Barbie...score! Except I realized it was a career barbie, a doctor barbie. The feminist agenda has invaded my happy meal! Thanks McDonalds... If I have to shell out money for med school I'll be annoyed.

Even Lily's happy meal toy isn't safe from the feminist agenda

However luckily they gave me some other props so with the correct adjustments, problem solved. Phew!

Much better...Problem solved

Spoiled Rotten

I'm slowly coming to terms that we may have spoiled Lily.  My mom has a well worn saying "You can't spoil a baby" which may be true for a 4month old but I think at 11months we are more into toddlerhood.  I didn't quite realise that we were spoiling her until one day I was sitting at my parents.  My dad was pushing her in her princess car as she hit the horn and waved to her adoring minions (that would be us).  My dad would stop on account of his back starting to hurt and she would shriek in protest, always earning her another lap around the living room.
  More evidence comes from the birthday party we have been planning for her.  She will be turning one in February and it has become sort of a big deal.  It started off as a small, causal affair and it has now turned into a huge event with 15kids invited and I don't even know how many adults(and I'm pretty sure I've left people out, its like my wedding guest list all over again).  So now I have a birthday party to plan and quite frankly I am in way over my head.  People who know me know that planning has never been my strong suit.  If I was left to plan my own wedding it would have consisted of a bowl of punch, a bag of chips and the Wii set up so people could bowl.  The last birthday party I planned was my 22nd birthday party.  That involved strippers.  Last time I checked strippers are not appropriate entertainment at first birthday parties.  I've pretty much sent out the invites (hand made because I am whipped) however the more I plan the more I realise: I AM DOING THIS WRONG.  My most fatal flaw is that I've supplied the kids with plastic wands and swords.  I have given kids basically sticks, am going to jack them up with candy and then stick them in the same room-there is no way they are NOT going to hit each other.  Also there is a mix of older kids so while I can stick the babies in the "baby pit" and let them battle it out I'm scared I'm going to bore the older ones to death-So if anyone is reading this and can think of a few toddler games (between 1-5yrs) please let me know.  My mom who is usually the voice of reason, the reason things like my wedding took place is just as bad when it comes to Lily.  Just ask her how much baking she did the other day (hint:over four dozen cupcakes are sitting in our freezer).  I'm pretty sure I'll blog more about her birthday as it gets closer, since I'm worried people are going to think it sucks (neurosis yes please!)

Exhibit A:My first attempt at anything crafty-Lily's invite for the prince and princess party.

 Need more? Take our house and also my parent's house.  Once very adult and sophisticated looking, both residences have become monuments to Lily.  Her toys have slowly leaked out of her toy box and now are a dominant focal point in the room.  I swear, kids are like the Borg- resistance is futile.  One day your house is all modern contemporary with all the best Ikea can offer and then BAM it looks like a toy store has taken a dump in your living room.

Exhibit B: My parent's former living room. It use to be modern contemporary

 It dawned on me, maybe Lily isn't the spoiled one, I mean she's spoiled but it may be some overflow from the generation before her.  When my mom uses the phrase "you can't spoil a baby" at work I don't think she means Lily, I think she's referring to me.

The curse of the photo shoot

So I'm posting again today.  Mostly because it has been a snowy and cold day and I haven't been able to leave the apartment-I've been bored out of my mind.  According to the weather network there is an "arctic outflow warning" and while I have no idea what the heck that means I don't want to risk being eaten by a polar bear anytime soon.  Luckily Dave is going to rescue me from my 900 square foot veal pen tomorrow because we have something very important scheduled:  Lily's photo session.  Yes we are celebrating her first year by getting some photos done by Sears (actually the truth is I found a coupon).  The only problem is that we are cursed when it comes to photos.  Cursed as in whenever we try to get a nice picture done Lily hits her head, gets a cold or does something so that when 20yrs from now when we show her photos she'll think we beat her.  It happened before for our Santa photos:  Lily decided to kiss the coffee table head first 2 days beforehand giving herself a bruise of epic proportions.  She has crawled by that coffee table many times but was drawn by the curse.  We scheduled this photoshoot about a week ago.  Since then she's been tripping and falling and coming very close to hitting her head.  But then it happened...two days ago she was pulling on a shelf and fell forward giving herself a bruise IN THE SAME SPOT (do you think we can lie and say it is a birth mark?).  Luckily its not as bad as the last time but I've spent the rest of the last few days protecting her head, I've even considered fitting her with a hat made out of bubble wrap (but then wrapping your kid's head in plastic seems unsafe...).  I was almost in the clear...7PM the night before, I just had to keep her from any further injury until 10am the next day when I notice she was sneezing...with a runny nose...and then wiped said runny nose with her hand and then wiped it into her eye...great! Knowing my luck she'll have pink eye tomorrow!

Wish me luck!

Also I decided to tame the brows so I'm pretty sure I'll have a shocked expression regardless how the day turns out.  If you live in Vancouver watch out for polar bears!

Baby Proofing the beast

   My apartment is a death trap.  Apparently I was unaware of this fact until Lily started crawling and completely aware now that she's pulling herself up.  In the two years that I have lived here, I've never had a near death experience..well actually one when I was DE-bacheloring the place and learnt what single men keep in their kitchen drawers-keys, lots of random keys and matchbooks....  Anyways Lily has opened my eyes about just how dangerous we live.  In fact there is a certain game she likes to play called Darwinism-You take everyday household items, say a potato masher and try to figure out how to impale yourself on it.  Speakers no longer only play music, they are also wonderful items to pull down on top of yourself or reenact that famous Indian Jones scene with the cat by bouldering it on top of him (the cat no longer says meow but FML).  Who ever started the chicken/egg debate obviously never had kids.  Without the chicken, who would tell the egg not to roll off a cliff or not to stick its beak in an electrical socket.  Without the chicken we would have a smashed egg and no way to explain how foreign meat tastes like.
We started the task of baby proofing about three months ago.  The more we baby proof the more I realise that we're not making things safer, we're just sealing in the danger.  Fire grate? Perfect item to scale and use as a slide to get to the fireplace. Cabinet locks? Perfect for smashing tiny fingers and mommy's big dreams of having a concert pianist.  Also now it's making the place unsafe for us. That TV we wall-mounted so Lily wouldn't pull on top of herself? Countless concussions from walking into it.The closets jammed packed with stuff we can't have lying around? There's always an avalanche risk....
Not only this but our apartment has turned into a giant Rubik cube.  Need a place for the next SAW movie? Bring them over here and tell them to make it from the bedroom to the kitchen and cook something.  Need a challenge for minute to win it? Unlock my cleaning supplies cabinet. NBC if you're reading this, call me, I'll be waiting.
I guess it's not all bad thought, we're challenging Lily's brain development by making her think of creative ways to injure herself and get pass the proofing. 

On another note I'm waiting for our pizza to arrive for dinner.  We're locked out of our pantry and very hungry.  I hope the delivery person understands why I'm going to answer the door without pants-I can't get into my closet.