What you know Joe?

and then there were 3.....

So I haven't posted in a long while...why?  because I finally had my baby! Yes! We welcomed a baby boy on April 28th and pretty much any downtime has gone to trying to grasp a few winks in-between tandem screaming, puking and jousting for attention by both kids.  So how has life been being knee deep in babies?  and diapers?  It's been pretty busy, hectic, stressful and tiring.  At this point I'd stomp through a field of kittens to get a solid 3 hours of sleep, I'm so sleep deprived that the other day I left the house without my top-just my nursing bra.  Luckily this is Maple Ridge and no one noticed.  However, having two kids under 2 I figure is a lot like prison:  You have to survive the first month or two and if you make it then you're gold.  I'm going to make this quick because I have very little time before one of my two demanding bosses wake up from their nap and demand a little more of my soul...I kid I kid, I love Joe and having two kids around, it's just an adjustment while we figure out each other.

Lily and Joseph:
Lily liked Joseph when he was at the hospital, however once she realized that we were bring him home the story changed.  Let's just say we gained a baby boy and a little green monster.  Seriously my reflexes have gotten so much sharper and quicker in the last 3 weeks.  I've been deflecting plastic projectiles that have been launched at his head-why why why are all toddler's toys made with heavy plastic?  What toddler has a placid temper??  Just this morning Lily tried to kiss Joe with her plastic "little people" bus.  I prevented it but since I was breastfeeding I almost lost a nipple in the process.  Her newest thing is she makes motions that she wants to be picked up when you're holding Joe but when you put Joe down to pick her up she refuses.  She actually doesn't want up, she just wants you to put Joe down...at least she's creative about her methods.  The last week she has been making progress into big sisterhood and out of thughood.  However as much as she tries to help she's a little rough.  She'll walk up to Joe's bassinet (which rocks) and tries to rock it but in the process almost launches him out and into the wall (really we need a seat belt in that thing).

Below the diaper:
Having a boy is a very different experience.  When I had Lily I knew the equipment so it was never a problem.  Let's just say guy parts?  I'm in the dark on this one.  All I can say is after 3 weeks of dealing with them,  I'll have to give guys some credit, they're tricky for sure, honestly I'm not sure how men do it.  I've yet to figure out how to put a diaper on without it leaking.  Seriously over the course of the night I'll change 2 sleepers covered in pee and multiple cribsheets.  Did you know that you have to position the umm..guy hose the proper way otherwise the pee will shoot up the diaper or out the side?  Yeah, neither did I, let's say I've been doing at least a load of laundry a day with all the objects he's peed on.  And between you and me, cleaning dried poo off a nutsack is a bit...traumatic.  Dave had to do the first few changes since I was scared to touch it, in other news apparently I'm a prude.  I'm also a bit nervous how to deal with guy issues later in life.  Like puberty!  I guess that will be Daddy's domain.  Dave says just get a lock for his door and knock before entering.  Okay now I'm really scared!!  I'll take Lily screaming "I hate you!!" over self discovery any day thankyouverymuch.

Breastfeeding:
Yes I've been trying to breastfeed.  Well actually, I've been trying to find a reason not to breastfeed but despite my best efforts Joe is actually doing well at the breast.  I know breast is best, however breastfeeding feels like I'm jabbing my boobs with two hot irons.  I don't get why making one of the most sensitive body parts a food vehicle seemed like a good choice when we were created, seriously, why can't we breastfeed through our elbows? The on-demand is a bit hard to, because if Joe could have his way he'd eat every moment of the day.  He's earned his nickname the human tapeworm, I'm seriously blown away by how much this kid eats.  I'll nurse him for over an hour and he'll still want to feed.  People have complained how I haven't taken many photos of Joseph, but it's not my fault! He's either breastfeeding or crying to be breastfeed.  So all my photos would be of Joe, my boobs and of course my feet because that's where my boobs currently reside.  Either they're lonely and want company or they're trying to migrate somewhere safer.  At first I thought I was feeding "on-demand" properly but then the public nurse informed me that on demand doesn't mean I feed him for 20mins then demand him to wait an hour because I don't feel like feeding him longer.  FYI the public health nurses answers for any breastfeeding question is "nurse more often".  It is funny watching Lily walk around pinching her nipples though..the other day I saw her lift up her shirt and try to feed one of her "little people" toys.  Sponges at this age I say!  Anyways I'm sticky and covered with milk all the time so now we'll see if my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

The apartment
We've been on lock down.  With two kids it's almost impossible to get out of the house in a timely matter.  I'm getting a bit of cabin fever in my veal pen along with a side order of Stockholm syndrome.  Not to mention that we can't have the doors open since Lily can't be on the patio and I don't open the windows since I don't want to be on channel 5 news when she falls out of our apartment so it becomes a little sweat box in here.  I seriously wonder if our downstairs neighbor has a grow-op.  We turned all the heat off in March (even the pilot light on the fireplace) when the weather was still cold and our apartment was still a balmy 25 degrees.  Now with the hot weather, lets just say it's gotten a lot more balmy.  Keep in mind we also have a diaper genie that is pushed to capacity and is stored beside a window so with the heat and sun beating down on it, it's also getting a little bit smelly in here.  My goal everyday is to get out for at least a walk, which sounds easy but when one is fed the other one is hungry and when one is up the other is napping. The overall summary? cramming 4 people and a cat into 900 square feet is like playing human tetris.

Dave:
Dave's been pretty good with the kids and dealing with hormone central.  He did do his weird computer thing when Joseph was born-he gets obsessed with fixing the computers and focuses only on that.  The good news is that all our computers are fixed and up to date, the bad news is the man almost got a macbook to the head in the process.  Luckily worked picked up so he's been working lots, which in a way is tough because I'm stuck in kiddie hell with no backup all week, luckily my parent's are good sports.  Dave got a work truck, and its the exact same as our BAT, so now instead of one BAT we have two BATs.  Why are trades work vehicles always trucks? Why not a work Fiat or work Yaris, you know, something I can drive! Oh well.  Dave is excited about having a boy, he's no longer outnumbered here.


Post Baby body
I can't complain, I'm back to my pre-pregger body weight.  Only difference is everything is an inch lower. I do have a post baby belly composed mostly of skin and a bit of McDonalds overindulgence and since I'm petite its more noticeable. I went to Waves Coffee the other day and the barista who couldn't see Joseph (he was hidden behind the stroller) asked me if I had my baby yet.  When I showed her him she touched my stomach and went "but you still have a tummy!".  Well excuse me for having the nerve to walk out of the house a few days after giving birth without donning a pair of spanx.  I've been going to Starbucks where the baristas don't know me instead now...I don't want a barista giving me a side eye when I order whipped cream on my mocha!

So anyways I hop to be blogging again real soon, or at least keep my picture blog a bit more current.  You can see more pictures of Joe here

Due Late

Me at 39 weeks and growing

    
        So my due date has come and gone and before you even ask:  No. The baby hasn't arrived.  The worst part of the last few weeks of pregnancy is not the backache, the heartburn or the gas (well Dave might debate that). No, the worse is the fact that every stranger decides to talk to you and point out that you're pregnant (in case you didn't notice).  Seriously I'll be at the grocery store and before I make it from the milk section to the cheese section-a 3 inch but somehow 10minute journey-I hear "when are you due?", "oh you look like you're about to pop any moment" or even better: that person's life story in regards to their reproductive history.  Dave says people are just trying to be nice, I say people are just bored and see a slow moving target.  Besides I hate the phrase "about to pop".  My stomach area feels so full of fetus right now that I'm scared one false move and I will literally pop: a leg directly out of my stomach like in that alien movie.  It's just not strangers, it seems like I'm fielding questions about my baby's tardiness left, right and center.  Yes I know people care but if I actually got a baby for every time someone asked me if the baby is here yet, I'd be a Duggar.... I guess my amount of patience correlates directly to my ability to see my feet.
   I realized that I haven't blogged in over a week.  So what have I been up to?  Well not much, hence the drought in blog entries.  There are only so many ways you can dress up sitting on the couch, eating chips and watching TV.  Anyways:

• Dave came back from his work vacation.  I call it a work vacation because he wasn't home and helping me do my household tasks like a good little peon.  He's been off work for a week and a half so it would have been the perfect time, to, you know, have that baby.  Like a true MC, schooled in the art of being inconvenient and late-the baby never came and probably will come tomorrow when Dave does go back to work.  We pretty much went from one extreme to another-from him never being here to him always being here.  The thing that suffered most (apart from my sanity)?  My reality TV watching.  I had to "share" the TV which meant I was subjected to a lot of man shows.  As we speak Dave is watching Deadliest Catch where they're catching crabs.  I'm sorry but I see bigger crabs on my trashy shows (Jersey Shore I'm looking at you..) so I'm not impressed.  I can't wait until he goes back to work so I can flush out my mind with a good dose of trashy shows without shame or him sending me dirty looks.  Trust me, they are all PVRed and every day Dave asks me if I meant to record those shows.  On the plus side I got him addicted to Millionaire Matchmaker so I guess he's not a complete loss...
• I added another person to my hit list.  My doctor told me on my Wednesday appointment that he was going on vacation....MONDAY.  Yes, he gave me 5 days notice.  We're not talking about a family emergency or a conference, no, he's going to Australia for a month.  Gee doctor, you think you could have given me a little more notice?  Seriously, I felt like bitch slapping him with that plastic vagina model that sits on his shelf.  I won't say the visual of him getting eaten by a Dingo didn't cross my mind... I finally met the doctor that is covering for him, TODAY.  It was the only time they could squeeze me in, and the worst?  The receptionist gave me a lecture about leaving it to the last moment.  Maybe you should talk to your boss? Hmm...
• I can't remember if I have ranted about this before, but we've been having trouble with our big ass stroller.  The brake doesn't work, probably a result of a bent frame.  I've been dealing with Baby's World and Phil and Ted since February 20th.  Anyways they finally lodged their head out of their ass and shipped me the part to fix it.  However when I see it I will believe it.  I've also been waiting for the second seat which has been on backorder.  After 6weeks they finally got it.  When I went to pick it up-it was the wrong color.  For those that know me, I'm way to anal to let that fly.  We ended up buying it, since you know, baby can come anytime and we didn't want to get stuck without anyway of transporting the kiddies.  Anyways after a few angry emails, phone calls and an entire week later I returned the seat with a giant "shove it where your head was previously" and went to TJ Kiddies that actually had the seat in the color I wanted in stock.  Just getting to Vancouver was a day trip.  By the time we drove there-with Lily screaming the whole time, picked up the seat-with Lily screaming the whole time, stopped by McDonalds playplace so Lily could stretch-with Lily screaming the whole time and drove home-with Lily screaming the whole time, it took 3 hours!!  Seriously, the kid was 5minutes away from getting put in the truck bed of the BAT.
• Dave and the Big ass truck also earned themselves a place on my hit list.  While putting the BAS in the BAT, my MP3 player fell out.  Dave then proceeded to drive over it with 6000lbs of truck.  In case you are wondering, the BAT won. I found the carcass the next day.

This is what happens when you try to pick fights with a BAT

      
    As you can tell, it's been a week of frustration.  I've been trying to be positive and a good sport about things, then I realized that it goes against my nature.  As I've said over Facebook, it's been one of those weeks where you want to head to your local coffee shop and terrorize a barrister-because you know it's their fault for everything.  Make me a tall non fat 1/2 pump vanilla latte 180 degrees in a grande cup with extra whip cream and chocolate sauce on top in the design of a happy face. But not too happy...oh and I brought my own thermometer so even try to pass 170degrees as 180! 
   Here's hoping that baby will arrive soon.  Tuesday they plan to induce me if I don't go into labor naturally.  and YES I will keep you posted, if you hear no news then there's no baby yet...

Home Alone

After being gone for nearly a week, Dave is still on the island working. He finally comes home tomorrow afternoon which is great, well for me not for him-for the next few days he's going to be my bitch. I'm almost 39weeks pregnant and between not having a car and running after Lily I need a break before baby decides to make its appearance. Actually I think it's more my parents' who need the break-they have been running after both Lily and I for the past week and we're both pretty demanding...and messy. To be honest I'm surprised the baby didn't come while he was away. I was expecting as soon as that ferry pulled away from the terminal my water would break but surprisingly everything has worked out. Is everything finally coming up Kali?
So how has my week been? Besides the creepy noises that seem to appear at night and all the shadows that look like axe murders but are really just chairs I've actually enjoyed myself. I've never lived by myself before I got married so its been a bit of a novelty. I've been able to slack off more than usual. I don't have to spend the day trying to look busy because I know that no one is going to come home and ask the most irritating question known to housewives everywhere: "so what did you do today?". Also I haven't had to make a lunch or dinner (been eating at my parents). Sure I'm going to be out of practice when it comes to crafting my special peanut butter and jam sandwiches and nuking leftovers, but not having to worry about dinner? bliss! Also as soon as Dave packed his bags, my house already started to look cleaner (read: he took his pile of clean jeans which he stores on the dresser instead of putting in the drawer with him) AND I don't have to clean the house after he comes home and leaves a trail of Dave piles. Plus don't get me started at peeing with the door open and walking around in my underwear....maybe men are onto something? In the words of Homer Simpson "Don't you hate pants?"
Now you're probably wondering what exactly I got up to. I mean really I could be going out and living the exciting life, however when you feel like the Michelin Man's obese sister you don't really want to slap on a pair of hot pants and party it up, plus that and toddler...so I've been housebound. I spent a lot of time with my secret lover-my new PVR. Yes, I love it so much it has replaced McDonalds as my side piece. I filled my PVR full of girly shows that Dave would scoff at. I've been rotting my mind with a steady diet of wedding reality shows, housewives from different cities and of course Star Trek TNG so I could drool over Will Riker in peace and without ridicule (that beard!). I've also been enjoying my mom's food and candy and free childcare. Here is a brief recap:

• DAY 1: Cleaned my house top to bottom including vacuuming. I then promptly left my house and went to my parents. Better to dirty up their house then mine. If I play my cards right I won't have to clean for at least another week or two. Shhh don't tell Dave, as far as he's concerned I cleaned every day all week!
• DAY 2: Crap! Dave usually takes care of the cat...no wonder why he tried to gnaw on my arm last night. Promptly watered and fed the cat. Cat still plotting my death. Hold me.
• DAY 3: I blew $50 on a dollhouse for Lily. Thought it would soften the blow that we're seriously going to mess up her world in 2weeks. "you're no longer the center of existence but ooh lookie here!". I'm sure Dave Loves how he works his butt off all week and I spend it in an afternoon.
• DAY 4: Took Lily to kinder cafe. That place is scary, like "Lord of the Flies" scary. I also collected more stuff to purge and take to the Salvation Army. Seriously, it's easier to get rid of Dave's stuff when he's not here.
• DAY 5: Took Lily to the park because all she wants to do at home is crawl all over me or hit me with the remote while I try to nap on the couch (or comb her hair with the toilet brush). My dad bought her a playhouse which BTW is nicer than the dump we currently live in (see photos here). I have a feeling after this week Lily and I will be kicked out of my parent's house and banished to the new "guest house" (at least they can hose off that plastic floor at the end of our visit).

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't miss Dave. However during his normal 8 day work week it's not like I see him that often. It will be nice to have him back even for that one or two hours a day to open jars and move heavy furniture.

On first impression it looks like she's being bad by shredding Dave's magazines but she's actually doing me a favor-now I have no choice but to toss them.

Waiting for Baby

    Two more days until Dave comes home from Victoria and it looks like I'm in the clear in regards to the baby arriving while he's away.  I technically have a week and a half left until my due date but since Lily was born at 38weeks I was planning (Read: Hoping) that baby #3 would follow suit and be here crying and pooping by now.  We didn't find out the gender but right now I'm pretty sure it's a boy because it seems lazy and in no rush to come out anytime soon (my son was born at 41weeks and only then because the doctors had to induce me).  Great.  Not only will I probably be overdue but I'll have a son who is 30years old and still living in my basement.  Luckily you can induce your adult kids out of the nest by cutting the cable and the internet or changing the locks when they go out-a mistake my parent's made was not changing the locks when I left and not getting my key.  I came back and in bigger numbers.
     Since my labor "scare" at 36weeks (read: I peed myself and thought my water broke) my family and I have been on standby with the expectation that this could happen at anytime.  This mentality is hard for someone who is as lazy as I am since it means I have to make sure every night I am ready.  Usually I will leave a few dishes or laundry or a mess for the next day's adventure (my life isn't that exciting I want to stretch out the fun for the next day..).  However right now I don't want to go in labor and have to worry about scrubbing my toilets before heading to the hospital or leaving for a few days and have Lily's diaper genie marinating in the sun for when I get back.  I just know that I will go into labor as soon as I run out of groceries, toilet paper and toothpaste.  I want to be somewhat prepared domestically since we've done NOTHING to get ready for baby #3.
   Yes you heard me correctly, we have done NOTHING.  I guess there are a few things we have done-we have our Phil and Ted Stroller bought, however we don't have the second seat yet (it's on hold at the store).  My mom bought us a pack of newborn diapers so baby #3 won't be pooping on the patio, but that's it.  Lily's carseat and bassinet are in storage so it's a matter of just dragging it out.  BTW when I say storage I mean my parent's crawl space.  I have a long history of not compensating them for storing my stuff and I hope they don't watch too much Storage Wars and get any crazy ideas.  Last thing I need is having to barter with Barry or Darren to get my boxes of random junk back.  I mentally have a list of things I should have or set up but I haven't been in the mood.  I just figure I can pop into Superstore to get the supplies after baby is here, how hard could it be with two kids?
   Lily hasn't gotten the memo in regards to getting ready for the baby's arrival.  She has been ramping up her efforts to be a brat the last week and a half.  She decided that this week is the week she's going to get all her teeth including a possible molar.  I just want to snooze on the couch or sleep through the night and she just wants to scream at me because as you know being the worst mom on the planet it's my fault she's getting teeth.  She's had over a year to get those things...  She has also been learning how to walk and is currently on the move and getting INTO everything. I will go to the bathroom and when I come out there will be a mass trail of destruction.  It always follows the same path-the CD ROM open, Dave's magazine on his nightstand ripped and torn, books pulled off the bookshelf and ends in our on suite bathroom with the toilet brush being used as a hairbrush and Lily sucking on a shampoo bottle.  Lily is also restless because she hasn't been on any playdates the last week and a half-not her fault, more of my lazy butt-and she's tired of having to play with the grumpy pregnant lady.
   So we have at the max 3 more weeks give or take until baby is here and hopefully we can co-ordinate everyone (and my husband be in town) when the time comes.  Waiting is the hardest especially for labor since even after 2 kids I still don't really have confidence that I will know when I actually go into labor. 

Soon, very soon

Real Housewife of Maple Ridge

   Did anyone else watch "Real Housewives of Vancouver"?   It was bad.  Really bad.  Not in a sinfully delicious chocolate brownie kind of bad but in a boring 100 calorie Vitamuffin kinda bad.  I ended up switching it halfway so I could watch "Duck Dynasty"-which BTW is golden.  I'll take red necks making duck calls over spoiled women making duck faces any day.  My biggest laugh about the show is the pure excess of these women's lifestyles.  I mean this takes place in the city that just hosted "Occupy Vancouver" movement. Somewhere a hippy's head just blew up.  So I guess the producers do have my respect for that.
  Why would I waste my time with such a show?  Well I sorta hoped I'd recognize someone.  I mean I don't live in Vancouver but I live in the Vancouver area.  Surely someone I know would be shining one of these ladies' shoes or dodging their Ferrari as they plow through a crosswalk.  Turns out disappointingly I didn't recognize anyone, however if I ever decide to take the bus out west I know what restaurant windows to walk back and forth in front of.
  My first impression of the show was that rich people all look the same.  Seriously I really had trouble telling all the ladies apart from each other.  The other thought that popped in my mind was that Vancouver lacks talented plastic surgeons.  Seriously I couldn't stop looking at the bad cheek fillers and botox jobs on all of them.  I think I'd rather take my chances with one of those bargain Mexico resort and plastic surgery packages before I go locally.  They all looked like they got punched in the face-not a good look.  There was a 30 year old who seriously looked like a 50 year old trying to pass off as a 30 year old.  Don't get me started on Jody's busted up hair weave...it made Britney Spears' weave look well groomed and maintained!  Whenever she showed up on the screen I would yell "brush your damn hair! a hairbrush costs $5.00!".  Vancouver, Vancouver, what the hell happened?  I thought you were Hollywood North?  I'm from red neck Maple Ridge and I'm laughing at you.  Seriously  I left the house in jeggings with a hole in the butt, my favorite stained shirt and runners and honestly I felt more put together.
  My daily life is nothing compared to what I saw on T.V.  The biggest cat-fight I've had lately was with my actual cat Shadow.  Seriously, if that cat steals my pillow after defiling his litter box one more time he's going to spend the night on the patio.  I have a stretch vehicle with a driver but I share it with 40 other people and it's called the 701 and is technically owned by Translink.  My luggage is not Louis Vuitton but the plastic bags you get from Save-On-Foods.  I went to my bank to deposit some money rolls but it was literally rolls of pennies-$45 worth-a major step in our saving plan for Lily's university fund.  My clothes are picked out by Joe but he's not my personal shopper but rather the clothing line from Superstore.  For a treat Dave and I went to an actual restaurant that didn't feature a play place and a hamburger selling clown but Pizza hut (which has pictures of their food on their menu which according to Gordon Ramsey is a sure sign of a bad restaurant).  You know what?  I'm perfectly okay with that. 
   You see, I'm a real housewife from Maple Ridge.  We don't have that pressure to look good and act high class.  If I want to go out in public in my rugby jogging pants (that look like it says ruby when I walk) and a pair of crocs that's totally okay.  If I run into someone I know dressed up like that I don't have to worry about hearing it in the high society pages.  I love that I can serve pizza for dinner and claim it counts as a vegetable because of the tomato sauce and have nobody question or raise an eyebrow.  Since I don't wear designer clothes I don't have to worry about maintaining a size zero.  Most importantly I love how I can sit at home in my PJs and not worry about hitting the new club and if I miss going out I will be replaced by someone who is younger and hungrier (literally because all they eat is lettuce) taking my place in my social circle.  My friends don't care that I fit better in a trailer park then Park avenue and it's very refreshing.  Sure it's not as glamorous and I'm pretty sure there won't be a camera crew banging on my door to tape it-well unless it's the channel six news wanting me to comment about the meth lab explosion across the street.
     Now if you excuse me I have to pretend to push a broom around the house and shuffle the dirt around.  

Battle of the Writer's Block

  Missed me?  It's been a week since I've last blogged.  I'd love to claim it's because I've been on a fabulous vacation or because I'm living an exciting life in the fast lane but to be honest, it's because I've had a case of the writer's block.  I know, I know, I'm technically not a writer but you can get tennis elbow from causes other than tennis right?  Writers block seems like a creditable condition-does it count for the medicinal stuff?
    My mind has been just completely blank and I have been unable to phrase two sentences together.  I'm not sure if it's because my brain has been marinating in pregnancy hormones for the last 38weeks or if it's all the reality TV I've been ingesting but it feels shriveled and dried up like a raisin. I'm not sure what I can do to remedy the situation-  I guess I could try...reading...a paper...with no celebrity gossip....NAH!
    Anyways, Dave's work is sending him away this week.  I'm a little nervous being 38weeks preggers and all since that's about the same time Lily was born. Plus this baby might want to spite Dave and make an early appearance just to mess with him (in that case this baby would already be making me proud).  Poor Dave thought, he just can't win.  Dave works hard during his night shift but all Lily sees is him laying on the couch in the morning and going to bed at 11am. Is it any small wonder while at breakfast she pointed at him and exclaimed "Dada BUM!!". I wonder what words she's going to have for him when he comes home after being gone so long.  She'll probably give Dave one of her killer side eye glares, the ones that shoot you dead in your tracks.  My daughter has mastered the side eye, see exhibit A:

Seriously no one can do a side eye better than Lily

    This week would be a great time to go for a girls weekend and party it up, however, being comically pregnant with a toddler I already consider being up at 11PM tonight partying it up.  I'm hoping maybe getting something ready for the baby, but since that sounds like work I'll probably all of a sudden overcome my writer's block.  There's nothing like procrastinating from one task to jump start something else. 
   Now if you excuse me I threw away some Easter Candy this morning and am seriously considering digging through the trash to retrieve it.

Reality Bytes: Addicted to my stories

I have recently been watching a bit of reality TV shows.
I have recently been watching a lot of reality TV shows.
All I watch is reality TV shows lately.
Not only did we get cable but we got a PVR which means I can record all my favorite shows and watch it whenever I want. After a boring day of scrubbing toilets and doing laundry I love to watch my shows and see a bunch of people add a flare of drama to the most simplest things. With just a tap of a button I have access to tens of shows each more trashier and juicier than the next. I never thought the day would come where I would be addicted to reality TV. I mean the whole Survivor craze was lost on me. Lately I have found all the scripted shows on TV are boring, I mean there's a few good ones like Modern Family but most of the sitcoms seem to have the same storyline-the two main characters we know are going to hook up eventually hook up, then they break up, then they whine about it, hook up again and then the show is cancelled. Don't even get me started on the show Once Upon a Time, it's painful watching that actress from House try to emote on the screen-She makes Kristen Stewart seem like the most talented thespian out there. The other choices feature Zombies and Vampires but they give me nightmares especially since I'm home alone at night. Hell, I even tried watching Star Wars but turned it off after 5 minutes. When you're 37weeks pregnant, Jabba the Hut is the last thing you want to see, not to be confused with the parody Spaceballs-Pizza the hut is always a welcome sight. Plus if I didn't watch reality TV I would miss golden quotes such as "Squirrel Brains are what make you smart"-Duck Dynasty or "Doesn't matter how you skin a cat, the hair grows back anyways"-Darrel from Storage Wars. See? Gold.
Here's what I'm watching and what I think of it:

• STORAGE WARS: It's like a huge peeing contest between a bunch of men. One jacks up the bidding price to mess with a guy and thinks he's shown the guy who's boss and the other one buys the overpriced locker and thinks he won and shown the other guy who's boss. Sometimes they get something good but other times they're just fighting over a box of crap. While watching I often wonder if there is someone out there watching and goes "crap! that's where I put my diamond ring collection!!". All I know is this show makes me really want to go rent a storage locker, pack it full of cardboard boxes filled with shredded newspaper and apple cores and write "valuable antiques" in black marker on its sides and then default on the payments.
• DANCE MOMS: I just discovered this show a few days ago. It's about a bunch of ex-pageant rejects with bad botox jobs trying to relive their youth through their daughters while in the process scarring them and making them pretty much un-dateable to the general public. I use to be a competitive dancer. I've won many a participant ribbon in my day-my sister had the real talent, she had medals and trophies, unfortunately I was blessed with two badly placed left feet, unfortunate glasses and teeth that made my sister nickname me Ferengi. I'd show up to competitions, make it halfway through my dance, forget the rest and then stand on the stage and cry. I think if my mom was one of these Dance moms she would have had a stroke. Luckily I doubt I'll have to worry about putting Lily in dance. She's got the grace and build of a football linebacker. If I tried to make her practice she would just tackle me. I wouldn't have to worry about the dance teacher making her cry because it would be the other way around-I would find the teacher rocking back and forth in the corner. Plus I don't think I'd be able to take it-to be honest Lily's in music class and when she just chews on her sticks instead of banging them together like she's suppose to, a small piece of me dies.
• KITCHEN NIGHTMARES: This show renews my love for McDonalds. I never see them on this show which speaks to their high quality. One thing I don't get is the owners invite Chef Gordan Ramsey to fix their place and act all surprised that it's bad to have your kitchen overrun by cockroaches.
• DUCK DYNASTY: I love this show, it's fun watching a bunch of rednecks share their one chromosome to run a business. At first I didn't like it, I thought it was a bit forced and it felt like the people were reading from scripts. I then realized that this wasn't true-they were just slow. I also revel in the fact that there are people who are more redneck then me.
• FOUR WEDDINGS (Canada/US): This show is fun to watch. However I don't really understand who would agree to be on it. Who goes "okay on my special day I want three other brides giving me the bitch side eye, making snarky comments about my dress and food!". Sure! make my wedding into a giant competition, it will prep me for when I have kids and possibly for an appearance on Dance Moms! The brides usually spend extra money in order to show off so in the end they probably could pay for the honeymoon themselves, or at least go to Mexico-I'd take my chances with the drug cartels rather than the 3 other brides I get paired with thankyouverymuch. Those girls can strike you down with one glare if you dare serve them the fish or make them wait a hour between reception and ceremony. After watching 4weddings Canada, I have concluded that Canadians are not more polite than Americans. We are just more passive aggressive. Americans will flat out tell you your cake sucks. Canadians will tell you they love your dress then on the private camera say it looks as flattering as a snowsuit on a walrus.
• CANADIAN PICKERS: You get to watch two men go to a bunch of old guy's houses and try to convince them to let go of some of their rusty crap. Here you see the old men fight over the price and worth of a rusty, dirty can collection. Maybe this show is lost on me, I mean for me antique collector is a polite way of saying hoarder. If I were these pickers I would go back in 5years to the guy's estate sale and buy them for a buck from family members who just want to get rid of the crap. Or sort through their recycling when their wife finally gets fed up and does some spring cleaning.
• PAWN STARS-The best part of this show is watching the people come in to pawn off family antiques and try to make excuses for why they're getting rid of them. Sure, they say they're making room in their house but keep in mind the store is located in Vegas. Chances are they're trying to pay off a gambling bet or need more money for hookers and blow.
• HOLMES INSPECTION: This is the demotivational poster child for wanting to buy a home. It is also a sure way to notice cracks and defects in your own house and then worry about mold and getting lung herpes.
• YES TO THE DRESS: This show has fallen out of favor with me because lately they just bring in ex-beauty pageant contestants. Also I get tired of all the crying. I do still laugh at the ladies who go for alterations and their dress is too small because they either gained weight or bought a smaller size in hope to lose some weight and then blame the dressmaker. If I was the dressmaker I'd stab them with one of those sewing pins. Sometimes I just want to shout at the girls on TV and tell them "It's just a dress! It will be taking up space in your parent's crawl space soon enough!" I bet you the people from Holmes Inspection wished they spent as much time obsessing about finding a good inspector as these girls do about finding the perfect dress. I remember when I bought my wedding dress. I wanted something that hugged my figure and left no room for a single pound deviation. I bought a fit and flare (see what I learned from TV) with a zipper back. The next week I found out I was pregnant and realized that I would be 3 almost 4 months when I got married (around the same time most women "pop"). It took a lot of prayers, weekly fittings near the date and the aid of a shoehorn but it fit...barley.
• CANADA'S WORST DRIVERS: This one makes me laugh but I really cannot judge them. Just the other day I put our big ass truck in reverse thinking it was in park and tried to jump out. This season is gold, they have a priest that drives too slow, an anarchist and a girl who claims that she is 28 but looks more like she's in her 40's-maybe she thought they were asking for her IQ and not her age. There is this one woman who is always on her cell phone. She's not a doctor or a lawyer or anyone really that important. I don't really understand who exactly is calling her all the time? What makes this show hilarious is that the first episode they made everyone do a test course in a Rolls Royce. Of course it got destroyed and totaled in the process-totally worth it because I got to watch my husband cringe, wince and gripe the sofa the entire time.

In the end who can resist the lure of reality shows? I mean my life is way more boring, it's like the fat-free version of life, yeah it's still living but it's nowhere near as fun or tempting as these shows!