Get Her to the Playgroup

Today I attempted the impossible: Leave the house before 9am. Seems pretty simple right? Not really. Children are like those Chinese finger traps-the more your pull and try to force them to do something, the more difficult they become. Just like they sense weakness and fear, they also sense urgency and react by trying to MESS YOUR CALCULATED PLANS UP.
Have you ever seen the movie "Get him to the Greek"? It's about a record company intern trying to get an unpredictable rock star to his concert in time. Of course since the rock star is unpredictable, the main character (played by Jonah Hill) spends the whole movie chasing after a star whom just does whatever he pleases without a care about the consequences. I feel for this Jonah Hill character because that is exactly what my morning felt like, except we were trying to get to a play group in time. Lily is like that rock star, she doesn't care that the play group starts at 9am and you can't reason with her and you most certainly can't slip her a Jeffery...
Every mom knows that trying to get a child anywhere in a timely matter is near impossible. The ones who say it is easy have just gotten use to it or are in denial. For a new mom, the concept of being on time becomes unrealistic-I call it the Lily time warp and it's roughly an additional 15mins on-top of whatever time I said I'll be somewhere. In 2008BC (Before Children) it was easy to get ready, all I had to do was roll out of bed, comb my hair and be out of the house in 15mins time. Even when I was pregnant it was slightly more difficult but still easy. The only reason why it was difficult was because over night it would seem like my butt would double in size and nothing would fit. Plus even thought I have been pregnant for 3 years straight, I lack a collection of maternity clothes because I always throw them out declaring "I'm never having another kid" between the month of having one and being pregnant again. I swear me throwing away my maternity clothes is a sign that I'm ovulating (who needs OPKs?).
To make things easier, here is what I deal with in the 45mins I had to get her out of the house:

• naturally Lily slept in past 8am, luckily I had the insight to set my alarm and get myself ready. On days we have nothing scheduled she wakes up at 7am.
• Put her down for two mins to prep her bottle and she dumps all her toys out on the floor then has a crying fit when I try to feed her a bottle.
• Peed herself AFTER I lifted her out of the bath but BEFORE I got a diaper on her warrenting another dunk in the tub.
• Lily decided that this morning her tights were an issue (I put tights under her jeans instead of socks because she just rips them off) and had a melt down when she couldn't remove them.
• Decided in no uncertain terms that the breakfast she has had every single morning for the last month was no good, had to scramble around to see what else I could make her.
• Puked on clean shirt
• 5mins left before I had to leave I went to put the dishes away in the dishwasher and discovered that the dishwasher hadn't been unloaded yet so me being me decided to unload it quickly. Discovered that Dave had put his dirty breakfast dishes in with the clean so had to sort that and take an additional 3mins to text him about how much he sucks.

At 9am exactly I had her in her stroller, in her rain gear about to turn off the lights and go....and...she...crapped...her...pants. Back inside the house we go...

On a side note I was trying to pick out a box of hair dye today at the grocery store and trying to decide what shade to use(so many non-grammar issues in that sentence). Naturally Lily decided at that moment to have a freak out and the louder she cried the more my thoughts shifted from "sensible brown" to "Hedi Montag Blonde" to "Goth Black" to "Miranda Hobbes aka Kool-aide red" is a GREAT color. In the end I'm not sure what color I grabbed, but if my hair looks horrid, it is so her fault.