Houselife

     I was cleaning the bathrooms this morning when from behind me I heard clapping.  I turned around and saw Lily starring intensely at me like I was all sorts of awesome applauding me for a job well done.  Being a housewife, I usually don't get a lot of feedback (unless I don't do something) so it was pretty flattering to have a fan. I HAVE A FAN!
    I wish I could tell you I am living the dream, that as I hurtle towards the big 3-0 I'm doing exactly what I expected, doing exactly what I dreamed of-however I just can't get that excited about scrubbing toilets.  Don't get me wrong, having the choice of staying at home and having a full year of maternity leave is such a blessing and I love the time I have with Lily, however scrubbing toilets, playing name that stain on the carpet and praying to the hygienic gods that the stain on my shirt is CHOCOLATE sometimes wears on a person.
The longer I am a housewife the more I realise that it is like any other job.  There are days where you get up, work your butt off and am truly satisfied with a job well done.  Then there are other days where you just sit on your butt and google your own name to see if anything interesting comes up.  Being a housewife is sort of like being a stunt double.  You do all the messy, behind the scenes work while the main guy sits in his trailer, signs autographs and eats catered lunches. 

So here is  an idea of what I do in a day:

• 4AM-Hear rustling and a bit of shuffling on the baby monitor.  Check clock-I chose not to live in a world where 4AM exists, roll over and promptly go back to sleep.
• 6AM-Hear a little bit of whining. Check clock.  Sorry Lily my shift doesn't begin until at least 8AM. May also include turning off the baby monitor, I'm not paid for on-call.
• 8AM-Someone better be dead for all that racket.  Get out of bed, mumble and shuffle to Lily's room.  Say a quick prayer that the store brand diaper has survived the night and will not end up stripping the sheets and hosing the baby down in the sink,
• 9AM-Make coffee, drink it while watching Lily terrorise the cat, knock over paper and generally destroy the house. I'm on coffee break, not my issue.
• 930AM-Inspect carpet to figure out how dirty it really is.  Try to recall the original colour. Spend 3minutes trying to come up with an excuse not to vacuum today.  Mine: I prefer the grey colour rather then the white colour-feel free to reuse it, you're welcome.
• 1030AM-Do minor grunt work like make husband's lunch and baby prep stuff.  Realise that its been 30mins since I've last seen the baby and go find her in the other room eating paper, emptying out the laundry baskets or making chewing motions.  Decide if really want to know what she just ate.
• 11AM-Surf the Internet, forums and Facebook.  Make sure you bless the world with your opinion on EVERYTHING.
• NOON: Remove cat food out of Lily's mouth. Realise that it might be time to feed her some lunch.
• 1PM: Survey house and determine the least possible work it will take to make it appear like you've been cleaning all day.  Move furniture to cover carpet stains, close doors to hid messy bathroom and throw sheet over bed in lieu of making it.
• 115PM-Coffee Break.
• 2PM-Inspect house, after being satisfied with days work walk to parents house to proceed to eat food, trash living room.  It feels nice to dirty up a place you don't have to clean...
• 5PM-bum dinner, if that fails go back home and check freezer for leftovers. Scrape off any freezer burn and pass it off like you just made it, we all know the dishes are still in the sink from when you did...
• 8PM-Exclaim to husband what a day you've had and how tired you are.

And that? Is how it's done. Like a boss.