The B.A.T. Saga

     The most talked about news in the McRoberts' household is the new arrival.  No, I'm not talking about baby #3, I'm talking about us getting a big ass truck-For the rest of the blog I will refer to it as B.A.T just to keep things relatively PC.  For all the men who read this blog, the exact kind of B.A.T is a 2005 Ford F-150 XLT Supercab.  Dave has just informed me that XL does not stand for extra large but is the model name (could have fooled me!).  Please don't ask me what any of the other stuff in the name means.   As you have read in a previous blog, I am a bit partial to *ahem*, hating it.  Why? because I can NOT drive the thing and also I also don't believe in using a 5600lbs truck to haul around my 130lbs body.  Wait, wait, that sounds a bit hippish Kali, have you switched sides? Never.  I just think about the goldfish effect where a goldfish will grow to whatever size bowl it lives in.  I do not need an XLT butt thankyouverymuch. Plus I always laugh when really small people drive huge cars, it just looks weird-who takes you seriously when you're sitting on phone books.  Then again, I'm in a B.A.T., I can just get back in and run you down if you cross me.

Our B.A.T-Even after backing up I still couldn't get the whole truck

      Anyways today I did something I swore up and down I would never attempt-I drove it.  Yes, you see spite is apparently stronger than the fear of dying in a fiery crash.  If I can get it out of the parkade, down the street and park it, pretending I'm taking it for a drive for the day, I will consider myself successful.  If Dave gets it all week and makes me bus then he can bus during the weekend.  Plus Dave suggested that I try, he promises me that I will enjoy driving a truck.  Little does he know it is way more enjoyable to be bitter about us selling our car to get his dream B.A.T.
   Before going out I made sure to comb my hair nicely, put on a clean top and add a coat of mascara.  When there is a chance of getting your mugshot taken, it is always recommended to look your best.  If Lily or the other kid become famous or even president and the media digs around and finds my mugshot, I do not want the world to see me with flat messy hair and dull eyes.  A mugshot mention is my last shot at being famous and on T.V.  at this point in my life.

I have to lean forward to see over the dash...oh god, please don't let that thump be our neighbor

I decided that I would drive the truck out of the parkade and to Canadian Tire which is a 5minute drive away and roughly $30 in gas.  We had to get a wire cover for our internet cord that runs between the two computers since Lily has now gotten into the habit of wrapping it around her neck.  Seems simple. But full of challenges:

• Challenge 1 Get comfy: Reach the pedals without getting your stomach resting on the steering wheel.  Also make sure that the mirrors are adjusted so that you can check your makeup and hair to make sure it stays in place.
• Challenge 2 Don't knock the pillar down:  Our neighbor in the parkade is a support pillar.  Knocking down the apartment building trying to get out of my spot would be embarrassing.  For those that find yourself in a B.A.T, vear a bit away from the pillar as to not take it out with the tail or as Dave calls it the bed of the truck.  Also try not to rip any fenders off the cars parked in front of you.
• Challenge 3 Don't take out the nice looking family in the parkade heading towards a family dinner:  Even thought having a B.A.T. gives your the right-of-way in every situation, taking out a family of 4 on their way to Sunday dinner may reflect badly on your driver's abstract.
• Challenge 4 Don't show weakness: Anything in front of you is fair game (see above about right-of-way) but sometimes cars still don't clue into this rule.  When going down a one lane street and there are parked cars on both sides and a car heading towards you, play chicken.  If the car doesn't back down just drive over top of it. The B.A.T is the king of the road and like any good monarch knows, you need to maintain control and sometimes make examples of those who do not follow.
• Challenge 5: Pick a lane.  Contrary to popular belief, no matter how big your truck is, you do not get to drive down both lanes of traffic.  During our 5minute ride the most common phrase Dave yelled was "Move over".  I  have to check with ICBC to make sure if that is a hard and fast rule.  My truck just can't be contained in a two solid lines.
• Challenge 6 Park: Try to get it between the two lines if you want to be polite but really if you need more spots why not take them?  If I have a big purse, I will sit it in the seat beside me. I need that space.

Challenges accepted, completed and rocked!

I thought I parked it quite well, however Dave is walking around to fix it

  The whole time I was doing this, Dave was telling me "Not to be nervous".  Sage advice that I would have taken had he not been white knuckling the dashboard.  People tell you that driving a truck is easy.  However it is a whole different feel.  Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the power and respect that you just don't get with a Yaris and there is a part of me that loved hearing the "glug glug glug" as I motored down the road.  That being said I think I've fulfilled my truck driving quota for this month.  If I drive again I may have to invest in an Ed Hardy sweat suit (they do exist)...
  I'm still on the look out for truck bling.  Didn't see much at Canadian Tire.  I did get this Barbie paper doll toy in my Happy Meal today which Lily would have just eaten given her love for paper.  I found the perfect use for it-a nice dashboard decal.  Kinda gets the manly feel out of the truck.  Poor Dave, he grew up with all brothers and now he's in a household of all girls.  Not even his truck is safe from the pink invasion.

This might do the trick, hmm still not red neck enough, the search continues...

There we go, add a little bit of girl power with a barbie paperdoll kit from McDonalds.

Anyways now I can say I drove the truck, and nobody got hurt. Well I guess I should check the grill before I say that.  There could be a moose wedged in there and I wouldn't have noticed.